[Sad Mermaid]

1) When she nursed me, she would close my nose so that I would gasp for air by opening my mouth, and then she would stick the breast into my mouth.

2) She swaddled me overly tightly and for longer than it was customary in Russia at that time (I was born in Moscow in 1970). She justified it by trying to improve my chances of having straight legs.

3) When I started pulling myself up in my crib, she would gently push me down into the sitting position, justifying it by stating that my legs were too weak to hold me - again, she was per her trying to improve my chances of having straight legs.

4) When I was a toddler, she would not pick me up and hold in her hands. Her excuse was her varicose veins and her kidney disease - she said she was afraid that my weight would exacerbate her illnesses. I was a normal weight toddler.

5) When I was a young child, she would caress me and then stop suddenly, so that I gave up wanting to be caressed as I did not like the ancipatoon of a sudden stop and preferred no pleasure at all to pleasure that was going to be abruptly cut short.

6) When I was about 6 years old and ongoing from then, she made me a participant in her prolonger bipolar depressions, sharing with me her various regrets. The biggest regret was her marrying my father. When I raised the issue of myself (I am a product of their marriage), she said that I was destined to be her daughter and she would have had me with any man. I loved my father more than one could imagine.

7) She continuously lamented the fact that I started to read late. I learned to read at age 4. A neighbor kid learned to read at age 3 and she would have preferred that I did, too. She did not at the same time expend any effort towards teaching me reading: my maternal cousin who is 6 years older taught me to read by replaying with me what she observed in her elementary school.

8) Starting at my being 6 and onwards, she continuously berated me for reading too little and not reading serious enough literature, and would set herself at the same age as an example for me.

9) Not later when I was six, she started talking to me about suicide. She told me of the son of her parents' friends, who committed suicide by jumping from a tall building; she said that everyone who jumps from a tall building regrets while in the fall and starts screaming, but it is too late.

10) When I was probably 6 (I know - everything at 6, but that probably simply means that my continuous record of memory goes back only that far), I was reading a book and happened upon the word "troupe" as in "theater troupe". She misheard, thinking that I said "troup", which in Russian means "corpse". She made a frightening face and started talking of the fact that my great grandfather was a doctor, and only because of that she was willing to tell me what "corpse" meant.

11) She never learned to cook yummy, normal foods and was intent on feeding me raw garlic (raw, not cooked) and cooked liver. I hated both and would not eat. She kept talking about how beneficial these foods were. She was so lazy that when she tried cooking, she would not prep the ingredients - e.g. she would put whole cabbage leaves in a cabbage soup and it tasted horrendous. She then gave up trying to cook.

12) She incessantly talked about herself, making herself appear a very special, sensitive, talented, and creative person who had never received her share of love in life.

13) She did favors to me that I did not need. For instance, she prided herself on not requiring good grades from me, but I was easily getting straight A's (I was not in a demanding school environment but just at a regular neighborhood school), so her being so "understanding" was of no value. She also encouraged me to skip school, which was not something I wanted to do.

14) She never did any housekeeping tasks and was telling me bad things about the nanny who did do those tasks.

15) The nanny was an old village woman. She was strict, but she loved me with all her heart. When I was about 11 and away on a trip with my mother's parents and sister, my mother had a quarrel with the nanny and decided to place the nanny in a state-run retirement home. I never saw the nanny again or heard anything about her. She must have died completely alone.

16) My mother continuously insulted and humiliated my father in my presence and when talking about him in the 3rd person. Once, when I was a tween, she attempted to pour boiling water on him when they had an argument.

17) She also said bad things about my father's parents and sister, which whom I had a mutually loving relationship. Once, when my father and I were about to leave for a train to go to his family's place, my mother got onto the narrow windowsill of our 12-th floor apartment, threatening suicide; this way she wanted to stop us from going. We knew that she was not serious and then just shrugged our shoulders and left. I was 14 at that time.

18) When I was in elementary school, I did rhythmic gymnastics. I was moderately successful - moderately because I had great flexibility needed for that sport, but insufficient body strength. Strength is a matter of training, though, and I could have improved. My father would take me to training sessions and come to the recital, taking pictures of me. The coach was (I am pasting from Wikipedia) Elena Alekseevna Karpukhina (born 21 March 1951), a retired rhythmic gymnast who competed for the Soviet Union. She is the 1967 World All-around champion and 1971 World All-around silver medalist. There were lots of girls training together under her. My father gave the coach a bottle of perfume. It was customary in the Soviet Union to present male coaches with brandy and female coaches with flowers or a small gift. My mother became jealous. She claimed that the coach did not look after me enough (there were too many of us in the group for the coach to look after me; plus, the "special needs" that merited special involvement in my mother's mind were imaginary). At about that time, doctors discovered that I have a heart murmur. My mother used that diagnosis to claim that gymnastics was dangerous for me, and I had to quit the sport after three years of intensive trainings. My heart murmur resolved by itself after many years.

19) Soon after I stopped doing rhythmic gymnastics, my father wanted to leave my mother for another woman, taking me. My mother described her hurt in great detail to me, including mentions of sex. She made me confront and accuse my father. He ultimately stayed with the family and severed his ties with the other woman. Listening to her account again and again was revolting, but I knew I had no choice but sit there and listen to her.

20) Her own mother guilted me for my attachment to my paternal relatives and told me that I was responsible for protecting my mother's feelings. I was in elementary school at that time.

21) I have relatively narrow hips because my figure resembles the figures of women in my paternal line and not my mother's figure. When she was young, she had a hip-to-waist ratio of Sophia Loren and was very proud of it. When I was growing up, she became worried that my hips weren't widening; she told me not to do sports for fear of my developing broad shoulders that would be wider than my hips and would make me loo masculine so that no man would look at me; I always had lots of suitors and guy friends and nobody has ever minded my relatively narrow hips - she never said "you know, I was wrong - hips do not matter".

22) I have an independent spirit. She voiced many fantasies of my marrying the son of this or that colleague of hers, even though I clearly did not like that idea. She wanted me to do the same thing professionally that she did, and almost succeeded in that, but I fled to the US and changed my occupation a couple of times.

23) When I was 15, my father did leave for another woman (not the same as before). Once the four of us - that woman, whom my mother knew, my parents and I - were in the apartment and there was an altercation between the adult women. My mother never forgave me for giving my dad a kiss before she and I left the apartment, and one of her last accusations of me before she died was for that.

24) When I was in elementary school, my mother and to some extent her mother accused my father (in his absence) of playing board games with me, because in their minds it was not a serious enough activity.

25) When I became a teen, my mother would tell me that my father only liked me when I was little - when he could play with me - and that he lost interest in me.

26) When I was a grown up, my mother would have sessions in which she accused her elderly mother of not caring for her enough when she was growing up; my grandmother would throw herself on the floor and scream; they then reconciled. It was a recurrent pattern.

27) When I was 15 and my father went to live with that other woman, I wanted to go with him (she invited me), but by then had developed a strong sense of responsibility for protecting my mother's feelings, so I stayed against my will.

28) In school, I had a one-of-a-kind English tutor who also helped my mother with a professional translation. The tutor and I loved each other dearly. I probably was his favorite tutee and to this day I talk on Skype with him - that would be 30+ years later. When I was a teen, the tutor and my mother had a disagreement in the process of working together, probably over money. Also, my mother developed feelings for him; he was a bi-sexual leaning towards gay at that time, so he did not reciprocate (the tenderness between the tutor and me is an exception because he's in essence my Lewis Carroll and I am his Alice, an adventurous little girl) and she was disappointed. When I was a young adult, I would maintain contact with the tutor and my mother attempted to guilt me into abandoning such contact because she wanted my loyalty; she did not care about the fact that I was successfully living in an English-speaking country thanks to the love for the English language that the tutor instilled in me over many years.

29) When my mother discovered a lump in her breast, she waited for a year before talking to a dr, who then diagnosed an advanced stage cancer. She blamed the delay on me, saying that it was due to the stress I created. She lived for 12 years after the surgery. Before she died, she accused me of shortening her life, saying that otherwise she would live into her 90s. She died being 61.

30) I did not realize it would be that long! My mother claimed to have had numerous surgeries for kidney disease and varicose veins before the breast cancer operation. All throughout my childhood and adolescence, she spent inordinate amount of time talking about the surgeries, diseases, symptoms, the flaws in her face and body, physical pain and suffering, doctors, nurses and hospitals. For instance, she would talk to me every day about her bunions and the plans to have them surgically removed, which never materialized, and the difficulties in finding orthopedic footwear; the difficulties were real (it is not that there was a big selection of regular shoes in the Soviet Union, and much less of orthopedic shoes), but the amount of time she spent talking about the bunions was extraordinary.

31) She would swim with her head above the water. My father knew how to swim normally. She insisted on teaching me her way, and I love swimming, but my neck hurts from the misaligned position. I plan to take private swimming lessons to learn the normal breaststroke. Her justification was that if you submerge the head in the water and your hair becomes wet, you would catch a cold.

32) She died in 2008. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2006. I told her on the phone about the diagnosis. She immediately started asking me in an affected, exaggerated, ostentatiously frightened tone of voice whether I had dark thoughts.

33) Her pattern of using the old antidepressant Elavil in very large quantities suggests that she was seeking an elevated mood on purpose. She never ever mentioned anything but depression when speaking of bipolar in negative terms - she clearly loved the highs. She would sometimes have fits of laughter in my presence. She mixed benzos with alcohol, essentially being a drug addict or at least a drug experimenter.

34) When it became clear that narrow hips notwithstanding, I was very popular among boys and men, she started fantasizing of my having children by various men but not marrying them - she wanted to always be living with me, raising grandchildren. However, when I did leave my firstborn with her (I did have him with a man who did not want him), she soon started complaining that he could not find a babysitter for him and that she needed to spend time on her dental work. I quickly came to pick him up and took him to the States, but later brought him again for the summer. When I came to pick him and go back to California, she claimed that she wanted to raise him, and later would nag me about that non-stop, justifying the nagging by saying that with him she was feeling well. She managed to tell each friend of mine in Moscow that she only felt well when he was around. At the same time, she never expressed any interest in knowing how he and I were living in California, and when he had ear surgery because of a temporary hearing loss (thanks god the hearing came back to him after the surgery), it did not occur to me to tell her. When I was married to my second husband (who very much wanted his children with me), she nagged me to have an extra child so that she could raise the child.

35) When I was a young woman, she would arrange for situations where men (one of them had a sexual relationship with her of some kind - I do not know the details) would find themselves alone with me and essentially suggest sex. I am extremely polite and skillful socially so I navigated even those situations to avoid both rape and hurting their feelings, but I wonder now why she would make such arrangements. What was she after?

36) With that man (see (35)) whom she had some sort of a sexual relationship, she sent me to shop for clothing for my toddler son, wanting me to make sure that the man pays with his money. I did not need the clothing and did not want the man to spend money on my son, but I obeyed. In essence she herself wanted him to pay for her expenses, but he did not want to, and with me, she figured that he would because he wanted me sexually.

37) When I was about 19, I was living in Moscow and had a distant relationship boyfriend in Seattle - my first one. My mother nagged me to ask him for money, claiming a need for basic necessities. In reality we did not have such a need, but I could not withstand the nagging. She bought an area rug with the money ($100 was money in 1990). It was the only time in my life I asked a man for money (now I am actually supporting ex 2nd husband, and I expended a lot of effort to arrange for the best education/career path possible for the man who was my 1st husband, so I do the reverse of asking men for money); it was nauseating and remembering it is still so nauseating that I plan to explain the guy in Seattle what actually went on back then.

38) Later, when I had a guy friend who was himself bipolar on medications, she met with him in secret and threatened him with an axe (in words - she did not have an axe with her). He told me and I was very angry, and she was hurt by my anger because she justified her actions by her concern that I would have sex with the guy and have a sick child by him (she was bipolar herself, mind you). I went on to having a brief sexual relationship with him without telling her.

39) She was always exaggerated. She would exaggerate her worry over me a thousand times. She always wanted to demonstrate how exceptional a mother she was. In reality, I do not remember as much as her wiping my butt (my memories go that far back and I remember my paternal grandmother coming to me when I called for her, being "ready") and she herself told me that she did not pick me up when I was a toddler. My various caregivers - relatives, the nanny, good teachers - did an outstanding job and I grew up with many skills and abilities, but there is no positive skill that I can trace back to her influence. Moreover, I was called upon to mother her, to protect her feelings, and to care for her, but not only did she not appreciate it (e.g. she did not appreciate my sacrifice in not going to live with my dad when I was 15), but she got to claim this extraordinary status of a super-caring mother.

***

I did not realize that it would be so long, but I literally can go on and on. I better not to. I would appreciate if responders call out numbers - say X is abuse but Y is a variation of the norm.

Also, I have read the bipolar forum through and through and have not found people who exhibit similar traits as my late mother, so I would be interested in knowing what mental illnesses on top of bipolar she might have had. I am thinking of the factitious illness by proxy except that my mother did not have access to IV fluids, so she simply imagined that I had disabling conditions. I think of the factitious illness by proxy because the mothers who have it want to appear super-caring to the society, but in reality make life miserable for the child.

Thank you so much for reading!

Natasha

[Open Eyes]

From reading what you wrote it sounds to me that your mother did not want to raise a child but just have someone to control.

It also looks like you learned that you have to give in and take care of others because of how your mother raised you.

It also sounds like your mother's mother had strange behaviors when it came to others and her own child, your mother.

Be careful about telling yourself you were abused, I recommend that instead what you can say is that you were not raised well and your mother had stange ideas about how to raise a child and was a lonely woman who had psychological challenges that presented inappropriate demands on her child. I say it like this because I don't think your mother set out to intentionally abuse, instead she had very unhealthy ways/ideas of how to raise children.

[Ankh91]

As the person who recognises and is aware of your actions and your mums, it is often helpful to think about her too. My mother is codependant, blind to the abuse, she neglected me. But to stop myself being consumed by my feelings I have to think about what was wrong with her because I like you were a child, and therefore you were not in the wrong.

I agree with open_eyes, I don't think you should use the word abused. from my own experience it creates more distance and it can be harder to look at. For me it made a negative relationship (with my mum) more negative and painful.

I understand you need closure too, you want to understand (I've been there too) but try not to ask yourself too many questions. Especially in a situation where you won't get the answers you want. That's incredibly painful road to go down.

[nicoleflynn]

Looks like abuse to me.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

From reading what you wrote it sounds to me that your mother did not want to raise a child but just have someone to control.

It also looks like you learned that you have to give in and take care of others because of how your mother raised you.

It also sounds like your mother's mother had strange behaviors when it came to others and her own child, your mother.

Be careful about telling yourself you were abused, I recommend that instead what you can say is that you were not raised well and your mother had stange ideas about how to raise a child and was a lonely woman who had psychological challenges that presented inappropriate demands on her child. I say it like this because I don't think your mother set out to intentionally abuse, instead she had very unhealthy ways/ideas of how to raise children.

I very much appreciate what you wrote, Open Eyes ("Open Eyes" indeed ).

"strange ideas" captures it.

[Open Eyes]

I think of the factitious illness by proxy because the mothers who have it want to appear super-caring to the society, but in reality make life miserable for the child.

Honestly? In my years of raising my own child and being around children, I have seen a lot of mothers act like they are good mothers when they were not. When you look at that list you wrote, what your mother did was give you what she knew how to give you, and in many cases that is often handed down from parent to child and from what you mentioned about your mother and her mother's relationship, that was dysfunctional.

My concern is that one of the things I have noticed about this forum is how a lot of individuals put a lot of focus on using the word "abuse" and my concern was how that can be "self traumatizing". Also if someone is challenged with bipolar, that doesn't mean that person will behave like your mother did. Actually, some very intelligent, well read individuals that are good parents can struggle with bipolar.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Also if someone is challenged with bipolar, that doesn't mean that person will behave like your mother did. Actually, some very intelligent, well read individuals that are good parents can struggle with bipolar.

Agreed. I am tired of the term "bipolar" being used automatically to explain odd conduct.