[green]

I hope I have not posted this to the wrong forum. I originally put this under dissociation but now I am not so sure that is what is going on with my daughter. Please bear with me on reading this as it is rather lengthy. Thanks!
I am a 41 year old mother of three children ages 18, 16 and 9. I am currently filing for divorce from my alcoholic husband of 20 years. On memoral day, my kids and myself came home from an errand and my daughter walked into her bedroom and found her father standing in her room with his pants down around his ankles. When my daughter came and told me this I knew immediately that we would have to leave as soon as possible. Approx a year ago, the kids and I came home early from the store and discovered their dad coming out of her room with his pants unzipped and his shirt untucked. Back to memorial day, my husband later came up to me and stated that he wasn't doing anything wierd in our daughter's room. He said "I just like to jack off with her underwear because of the way the fabric feels with her panties." When he said this to me, it really scared me even more that he thought I would be ok with his excuse for being in her room. I have not told my daughter what her dad was specifically doing in her room but she apparently had already figured out because the night of the incident, she instructed me to throw away all of her underwear. Of course, when I finally went into her room later that evening, I saw that he had been using her dirty underwear. The following morning, when my husband went to work, the kids and I left and have been staying with my parents in a different city.
My question is regarding my daughter. Both of my sons have done really well with the move and are very relieved to be away from their alcoholic father. My husband was very verbally abusive and really scared us sometimes. However, my daughter is not doing well at all and I think I am going to have to get her in to see a psychiatrist. She has gone to a counselor a couple of times after we moved and the counselor told me that she did not believe that anything else had happened between her and her father. She did say that my daughter had already been sexually abused by the mere fact that her father would jokingly grab at her breasts and say inappropriate things about her body whenever he was drinking. When she would tell her dad to stop, he would get angry with her and tell her he was just joking around. The counselor also informed me that while I was out of town approx. 4 months ago, my husband went into our daughter's room when she was naked, even though she told him not to because she was changing clothes. One other thing the counselor said was that she is extremely intelligent and recommended that I have her tested sometime in the near future. I already knew she was extremely smart as she is doing college level work and she is just 16. (I homeschool my 3 kids).
The problem that I am really concerned about started about one week ago. I was sitting doing some algebra with her and all of a sudden she started speaking with a different accent. Sounds kind of british. I asked her why she was talking that way and she didn't know what I was talking about. She does not do this all the time but it does seem to be happening more frequently. In addition to this, she acts very depressed and has a flat affect when she talks about her dad and "the incident". I have a little bit of mental health experience but not much but I am really concerned that she is not coping with this well. She complains of being tired and I have to really push her to join in with the family. She also has changed the way she dresses. She wears a lot of long sleeve tops, dark colors, etc.. I have taken her to a medical clinic just to make sure there wasn't anything physical going on and all of her lab work came back normal.
Is the different accent that she is using possibly dissociation? Has anyone experience this before. It is just so wierd when she uses this accent and she is totally unaware that she is doing it. I am also wondering if she could be so depressed that she is having some psychotic features. I know that I am in no position to diagnosis her and all I want is to have my daughter back! I am really at my wits end and having problems finding a local child psychiatrist. I have spoken with a couple of friends of mine that are also child therapists and they both recommended a psychiatrist and stated that they have only read about children who have done this. Of course, I am also concerned that my daughter is not telling everything that her father has done to her.
I would truly appreciate any advice and if this sounds like something that I need to refer to a psychiatrist. Thank you so much for reading this and I apologize for it being so lengthy.

[sabby]

First, let me welcome you to PC! I'm glad you found us and I hope you find exactly what you are looking for in care and support. There are a lot of wonderful folks here who are supportive and knowledgeble.

Wow, you do have a lot of worries on your shoulders right now green. I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through such difficulties.

I think you are right to be worried about your daughters' behaviors as they certainly don't seem normal at this point. I believe I would get her to a psychiatrist/psychologist as soon as possible for a complete work up. It is possible that she is dissociating in some way. And it is possible she is not telling all that has gone on, either because she is not able to remember or because she is afraid of telling.

As a mom too, I understand your fears and frustrations. I think you are doing exactly the right thing by looking for help for your daughter. I pray that you are able to find the right help for her and find it soon.

Keep posting here and I'm sure you find the support you need to continue the "good fight" for your daughters emotional health, and yours as well.

I wish you all well ((((((( green & family ))))))))

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

[tranquility]

Hi green,

Welcome to the site and I'm glad you found us. You have been through so much and you are obviously a very strong woman and good mother. Not everyone would leave as you did, even though it is in the best interest for the children.

You really need to get your daughter to a psychiatrist. You're right that speaking in another accent and not even being aware of it is not normal behaviour. Many people's first thought would be that she has mulitple personality disorder (which I guess now is called DID from what I see on the boards). However, that is not necessarily true, it could be that she is just disassociating.

Being moved into a safer living environment might be allowing her to now feel safe to express outwardly that something is wrong. When with her father she probably was just going through the day to day movements and now that she hasn't got that tension, things are coming to a head.

You were right when you said "She did say that my daughter had already been sexually abused by the mere fact that her father would jokingly grab at her breasts and say inappropriate things about her body whenever he was drinking. " That is sexual abuse and you have every reason to be concerned that there is a potential that more happened that you don't know about. Sometimes it takes time for these things to come out.

Your daughter is in a good position that her mother is concerned and wants to get her the help that she needs. The sooner the better.

Good luck to your whole family, I hope you keep posting and know that my thoughts are with you.

Tranquility

[Rapunzel]

The changes in accent and dress could also be signs that she is not happy with who she is or things in her life, and she feels a need to change things. Sometimes if we feel like we have little control over things, we will change anything that we can, in order to feel like we have control over something. She may or may not be aware of what she is doing. I would expect her to be depressed, and it would be natural for a girl in her position to feel like she has lost a lot, and even to blame herself for it. She has lost her father, and even if that is in her best interests, she will need to mourn. It is even harder that she has lost the image of her father as a good and caring person who she could trust to protect her and look after her best interests. She does have a mother who remains all of that, and that is very important, but it could be very hard for her to trust, or to feel like she can discern who she can trust now. She may have also lost her home, her friends, the familiarity of her environment, and other things for which she will need to mourn.

Does your daughter see the counselor regularly? I'm not clear on why the counselor recommended a psychiatrist, unless she believes that medication might help. Was the counselor able to make a specific referral? If you do take her to a psychiatrist, keep in mind that medication can help with symptoms like depression, but your daughter still needs counseling to learn coping skills and deal with what has happened to her. Psychiatrists don't normally do psychological testing. I wonder if a psychologist, who does testing, might be more helpful.

I added a trigger icon to your post. That is how we indicate that a post might contain material (such as details about sexual abuse) that could be difficult for some of our members to read. I'm glad that you are doing the right things to keep your children safe, and that you are looking for help for your daughter. With your support, I am confident that things can work out for her, although it will be hard for a while. I'm glad that you found us. Please let us know what you find out, and if there is anything that we can do to help.

TC,
Rap

[Gracey]

Welcome Green! I'm glad you found this place and hopefully some of what is offered will be helpful to you!

I was sexually abused about the same age as your daughter. Two different forms actually, and believe it or not, the "non intercourse" was so much more devastating b/c of the person who did it. I trusted him, incredibly so. He knew my history, and still made this choice. Sounds like her father was the ultimate betrayal for her. My moods changed pretty dramatically, but ONLY around the people I felt truly safe with. At school. . .aside from some little things, I was more or less the same person. At home however, things were very different. I started wearing larger clothes to cover up b/c I thought that maybe if people couldn't see my curves and boobs and such, then maybe they wouldn't be interested and I wouldn't be hurt again. My accent didn't so much change as did my affect. . .the way I spoke and the manner of looking around constantly (checking) and never being able to look people in the eyes (shame). You need to get your daughter into counseling with someone who is skilled at dealing with sexual abuse and trauma. It doesn't sound so much that she has DID or MPD, but it DOES sound like she is dissociating, which is actual a normal response to trauma. Check around, find some counselors, and interview them. Ask specifically whether or not they have experience dealing with teenagers and whether they are experienced with sexual abuse. IF all else fails, check with Rape Crisis.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Hi green. I'm sorry to hear of your families troubles.

I agree with what everyone here has said. I don't know if you are aware of Acute Stress Disorder?

It falls under the umbrella of PTSD and meets the same criteria but the emphasis is on dissociation.

Here is some info and a link.

Stress Disorder

This disorder describes an acute response to trauma. It includes the criteria for PTSD but adds and emphasizes dissociative symptoms.

An acute stress disorder may follow any trauma, but a typical example includes a soldier responding to battle, becoming acutely disoriented, and being in a "daze."

Acute Stress Disorder appears to be a good predictor of subsequent PTSD; the presence or absence of the diagnosis predicted PTSD at 6 months in 83% of cases in one study.
The diagnostic criteria are listed below.

DSM-IV Diagnostic criteria for Acute Stress Disorder

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or threat to the physical integrity of self or others
(2) the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness or horror

B. Either while experiencing or after experiencing the distressing event, the individual has three (or more) of the following dissociative symptoms:
(1) subjective sense of numbing, detachment or absence of emotional responsiveness
(2) a reduction of awareness of his or her surroundings (eg, "being in a daze")
(3) derealization
(4) depersonalization
(5)dissociative amnesia (inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma)

C. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in at least one of the following ways: recurrent images, thoughts, dreams, illusions, flashback episodes, or a sense of reliving the experience; or distress on exposure to reminders of the traumatic event.

D. Marked avoidance of stimuli that arouse recollections of the trauma (e.g., thoughts feelings, conversations activities, places, people).
E. Marked symptoms of anxiety or increased arousal (e.g., difficulty sleeping, irritability, poor concentration, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, motor restlessness).

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning or impairs the individual's ability to pursue some necessary task, such as obtaining necessary assistance or mobilizing personal resources by telling family members about the traumatic experience.

G. The disturbance lasts for a minimum of 2 days and a maximum of 4 weeks and occurs within 4 weeks of the traumatic event.

http://www.medical-library.org/journals4a/trauma.htm

[recluse1]

(((((((((((((green and family)))))))))))) i think you are going in the right direction here by getting your daughter in to see a psychiatrist/psychologist. she is definitely displaying some symptoms that i understand are very distressful for you and her i am sure. best of luck to you in finding the right help.

recluse1

((((((((green)))))

I welcome you to PC and I hope you find all the support and understanding here that you can. My heart goes out to you and all you are going through. I am glad your daughter has you. Support her and love her, and let her know you are there. I hope you will continue to post here. I wish you the best and want you to know you are not alone.

purplesecrets

[tigersassy]

green, i understand what you are talking about with speaking different accents. i was abused i think that speaking with different accents can be part of dissociation or part of PTSD. Continue posting here and i hope that you find the support that you need. if you ever need anything let me know.

tigersassy

[wickedwings]

i'm a survivor of incest by my own father at a very young age. i've had depression for 15 years now. when my depression is very severe, i notice that my voice is different. it may have sounded like i had an accent. i noticed i sounded like british sound, even though i don't know much of the nuances of the sounds other than what i heard out of what little hearing i can get out of my hearing aid (i''ve been deaf all of my life). it is possible your daughter is dissociating, since she doesn't notice this. but, then, she may be just be too depressed to even care or notice the difference in the way she speaks. i notice because of my attention had been put onto my speech for many years while i was growing up, so i can learn to speak. yeah, it sure did feel different when i speak whenever my depression is so severe. i could be wrong, my speech definitely sounded british to me. i hope this helps and i wish you and your daughter the best. if you wish to talk more, you're more than welcome to. i pray that she will be able to heal. it will take time, but it can be done. i did it, despite that my depression continues to linger. but, i'm happy to be able to get over the issues that i had with the abuse that my dad did to me. i'm so sorry that you and your family had to go through all that. but, i am so glad that you got yourself and your kids out of that. whatever happened, don't blame yourself. it was not your fault. and, the same for your daughter.