[krzyk101]

I have not talked about this much since the two year period of my life over 12years ago. It will probubly end up all jumbled up anyway, though what I can I feel to share.

At 19 I fell in love for the first time in my life. By 21 I was on the psych ward. Seemed that love had made me so blind rater now refer as stupid. During this time things went well for a month or so. I loved him. Part of me still does as sick as it sounds, as if I were able to ever love again.

It started with verbal put downs. I moved out of my family rent free home to a trailer court where my 'boyfriend' brough along a couple of dependants. I was young and had no Idea what I was in for or the times to come.

My credit cards all maxed out were no longer paid on. I blew the engine in my car taking it too far where he wanted to go. I gave up everything. Then moved to a small town where he was from. Of course I got a job, he sure as hell didn't work the entire time we were together.

The first I recall was when it was 2am and I said I was going to bed (neither of us were out) so I went to lay down and he was playing video games with his friend, and he said I need my clothes washed. I got up and then overheard him tell his friend 'it's nice to have a slave'. I told him he could do his own )#($%+ laundry then without warning in the kitchen I was thrust up against the wall and jabbed and punched being screamed at. of coarse I had my arms up to protect my head and face I learned that as a child.

It was for me to not go anywhere except work. Well I remember wanting out so bad. No way to call the police, as that would be admittance to my sexuality. The town anyway would have done nothing anyway, other than start homophobic rumors.

I look back and think of how much bigger framed I was than him and how easily I could have fought back, though in that 2 years of hell, I never hit back not once. In fact at the end I started doing things on purpose to make him jealous thus a beating. I was sick, I literally asked for it. To me it was a way I felt like meant he still cared.

I have never hit anyone in all my adult life or got in a fight. I don't think I could ever hit someone even in anger. I have givin my share of tongue lashing though never physically. I don't know I am just crazy.

I have had no relationship since and have no desire to no desire at all.

Thanks for listening to all that

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[nightdream]

I was also in an abused relationship. I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. When you are there, it can get very confusing, feelings are mixed up, but remember, nothing was your fault. You didn't want this to happened.

I'm glad you got out of it.

Also not all relationships are bad, some can be very good. We just happened to have to go through one that was abusive and have left some scars.

Thank you for sharing!
Hugs!
nightdream

[Butterfly_Faerie]

((((((Kris))))))

What is this society coming too if they don't help someone out of a relationship that is abusive if it's with someone of the same sex or not.

I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't get out of it, in fear that someone would just start things because you're gay, that is wrong.

I in a sense know how you feel. I thought what I went through with my ex wasn't anything wrong, he loved me, or so he said and was doing it cause he cared. That is what I truely thought. I look back and think how stupid I am. I know it is probably hard to trust another guy, have another relationship in fear that it will happen again. But if it did, could you defend yourself and would you do something differently?

Have you thought about therapy, or tried to get into that to help you with these issues, and to learn coping skill and learn how to trust someone again. No one should have to live with that fear. I did up until 2001 when I met the love of my life now ... and it's lasted nearly 3 yrs, but before that , before him I was in numerous situations where I was assaulted sexually, harrassed, even at my work place.

But I learned to trust, I know now that the man I am with will never hurt me like the others did. I can trust him, and because that I rarely have triggers cause I know i'm in a safe place.


<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[krzyk101]

Nightdream,
Thank you for the hugs & I too am sorry for you and all who have been in an abusive relationsip.

I am glad that I got out of it as well, seems I would cycle getting out then going back in over and over, like you said our feelings and emotions get all mixed up now out of it for good, finally.

The reminder of 'good' relationships is helpfull.

Thank you for your reply-

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[krzyk101]

Thank you for sharing your past abusive relationsip. I could do anything differently, I guess I would leave at the first signs of him leading to abuse.

You are not stupid, as I am not either, I have been in Case management/Therapy for along time, though in the last 6 months starting to work on my personality disorders and trust issues that were ignored for many years. As you say you have learned to trust, I am at the newborn state of that now. Taking baby steps to trust one step at a time.

I am happy for you, that you have found someone to love and not have to live in fear, and that you now are able to have someone and feel safe and trust.

Thanks again

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I think that you will do something differently, because you will not let him or anyone after him to hurt you again. I doubt that I would as well.

Right now it's hard to talk about because I just recently had a major trigger about him last night.

But You know you are a strong person. You would not put up with that kind of ***** again. Why would you? You now know the warning signs. I think you have a good outlook on this now, and seem to be postive about not letting it happen again. And not too many people can say this , good for you.

That is all you can do, take baby steps and do not rush them. I'm happy to hear that you are talking about it and learning to trust again ....

Yes I am happy that I found someone that I can trust and love as well. There were at least 7 other people that did stuff to me after my ex at the age of 16. Pretty much from the 19960-2000, 2001 this has happened. And it's about bloody time something good came out of it.

Thank you my friend.

You take care of yourself , you may hit some bumps in the road, but you keep going forward no matter what. You may hit walls in the road , but you keep plowing them down. I think you are doing well for yourself, and I think you will become one of those people that people will look out and say If he can do it I can do it. Not just for gay men, but everyone out there male or female. I commend you.

Take care Kris.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[krzyk101]

((((((((((((((((Sundance))))))))))))))))))

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[Butterfly_Faerie]

((((((((((kris))))))))))

Hope you are doing better...

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[troubled1]

hello and welcome....
just wanted to say abuse is never right !!! you deserve better than that and sometimes we have to get worse before we realize we deserve better.... Anyway take care and good luck... troubled1

[krzyk101]

Thank you -troubled1-

I am feeling better Thanks -Sundance-

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!