[sweet-salinas]

about two years ago I started having thoughts that I was sexually assaulted as a child. sometimes I think by my dad, sometimes the thought is not specific. this was very distressing and I would often break down when I had these thoughts. over the last two years they're have been times when I barely have these thoughts and other times it's more frequent. I went to my grans house the other day and I had a panic attack, and was thinking in my head that it happened there. However I have no memories or images of being abused. I also don't think thats something my dad would do, though my dad is not a very nice person and certainly neglected us, he never abused us.

I have two sisters, and one of them was raped when I was a kid so I think these thoughts might be related to that, that maybe it's my brain trying to deal with what she went through in some roundabout way. and that I wasn't really assaulted. But recently I've felt very distressed feeling like the thoughts could be true.

If anyone could give me any advice it would be much appreciated.

I spoke to my therapist about it, and he only said that it could be true in which case me not remembering it serves the purpose of protecting me and should be respected. And also that it could be fabricated, or not true as well. Which is what I always thought, but am starting to have doubts.

As this is likely a delusion and not the reality I wasn't sure about posting this here, but I didn't know where else to post. I also haven't ever experienced any other delusions apart from going through a period of time when I was very mentally unwell where I felt like I could sense dark presences in the room.

[Skeezyks]

Hello sweet-salinas: Thanks for posting your concern here on PC. I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer. I think the important thing is simply to keep working with your therapist, talk about your concerns, & see where it all leads.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to cone ct with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[cluelessgal]

Hey Sweet Salinas,

Welcome to Psychcentral Forums . You'd find a ton of support here.

As for your question is concerned, it's very difficult to provide any answer. I am glad you are with a therapist and continue to work with your therapist.

I read in a book - Body Keeps Score...that memory remains unadulterated in your mind, somewhere, until you try to access it.

Don't focus on unraveling the past. I was sexually abused by my father in my teens. He probably did something to me when I was younger and I have no memory of it (I only remember few incidents around it, but not the actual incident).

I have healed a LOT, with my therapist, self-help books and unknown ppl from Psychcentral Forums.

In my experience, accessing the memory you've forgotten is less important for healing. The thing that truly helped me, is accessing my feelings.

But if you really, really want to know, do talk to your therapist about hypnotherapy...it may help. You may want to talk to your sister. You may have been sexually assaulted yourself by the same person, or you may have witnessed your sister.

You will get that memory when you are ready for it...or it may never come back to you. Focus on facing the current problems you are having. You can't walk forward, if you keep looking and be fixated on your past.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Work thru your feeling is a good way to approach therapy.
For example now that you're a grown up can you comfortably share intimacy?
Is your sensuality suffering?
Can you give and receive love.
Imo these are things to work out with the Therapist. How is what did or didn't happen effecting you now.