My wretched life, trigger, trigger, trigger

My beginning in this world was ruff. I of course don't remember it, but i was told by several different family members. My parents married young, and by the time my Mother was pregnant with me, they already had three children, a 6 year old, a 4 year old, and a 18 month old baby. My Mother was 7 months pregnant with me, had rhumatic fever, and went into labor. She was at a cathloic hospital, and was told that there was a good chance that neither of us would make it, but they were going to try to save me. My Father was very angry, and punched the doctor. I was fortunate that we both lived. My parents didn't take me home when i was released. My Mother's younger\ sister took me home to there house. Later on in my life, my young teens, my Mother told me she resented the day i was born. My life had just started, and was already messed up. Well this is my major start. I will try to continue un till i am able to get all out. Thank you all for your patience, I will continue as i am able.

Be assured I will listen with compassion as you continue, Katy...

Thank you for sharing, I look forward to hearing more.

I look forward to listening to you. Thank you for sharing

Thanks a lot for being brave and sharing the beginning of your story. We all care about you.

You all who have been here for a while, do you go on by replying, or do you start another thread. I wish to go on from this post, but i am not sure how to do this. I am hoping that when i am able to get my whole story out, my life may not be better, but maybe my mind might. Will one of you all direct me as to what i need to do? To whom ever does advise me I Thank you.

The "Reply" button at the bottom-right corner of each post will add a reply at the end of the thread while including that post's content as a quote. At the bottom-left corner at the end of a thread, however, the "Add Reply" button will add a post to the thread without quoting anything. So, there are the two ways to add more to a thread as you go along.

Starting a new thread such as "The story of my..." or whatever would be something you could decide to do, if you wish, and I believe you can change a thread title by changing the "Title:" line at the top of any post.

I am so sorry that all happened to you. It wasn't fair and you were just a precious baby who deserved so much better. I'm sorry for what your mom said to you when you were starting your life. Someday she will deeply regret it if she has a heart. (((Hugs)))

I too was an unwanted baby. My parents told me around 10. It made sense of some things that happen to me. But it was still hard. I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing.

My mom went in to have her tubes tied and they asked "do you want that done before or after you have this baby". My dad didn't want ANY kids. My mom said I was a happy surprise but I wonder. ((((Hugs))))

Well i wrote a lot this morning about my young life before the age of 10, but it all disappeared when i tried to post, so i will try to re type as much as i can remember. Some of my first memories are when i was around 4. We were very poor, we lived in a one room apartment with a kitchen. The whole family slept in one room that was the bedroom, disappeared, ect. We didn't have a bathroom. We had a very large metal wash tub my Mom would do laundry in, and we would take our baths in, but we had to share the water, and we only got one bath a week. We didn't have a commode in this up stairs apartment, so we would have to go to the out house. That was ruff in the middle of the winter with all the snow, and when you had to go at night.To this day, i still have nightmares about falling in.

The next place i remember was a much larger place, but i still had to share a room, and bed with my two younger sisters. The sister that was just 1&1/2 year younger than me, wet the bed, but she never got in trouble for it, it some how was always my fault. My Mom wasn't around much, she was in, and out of mental wards bc she was always trying to kill herself,Both my parents were alcoholics, and cheated on each other a lot, The result of the cheating was my 2nd oldest is a brother, ant the last living child is a girl. They were my Mom's favorites, and it was obvious.

After the last living child my Mom had another girl, but she was still born. My Mom never got over her. During our life in this house i was molested by my parents friend, and my Dad's brother. I also was molested by one of my brothers, and a cousin. The cousin, somehow i believed would rescue me from all, but it never happend. At that time i was only 6,7,and 8.We were so poor at that time, that when my Mom wasn't in a hospital, she would have us go dumpster diving. One of us smaller kids would be put into one of those drop off boxes, and hand everything we could to someone on the outside. The next day we would have some what new cloths for school,

I was always bullied at school, and around the neighborhood. One girl that always gave me trouble threw my winter coat down the sewage drain, and i couldn't get it back. I think that was the year that my 1st grade teacher got me a new coat, boots, pants, a sweater, and under garments. I remember one of my birthdays, my Grandmother on my Dad's side, asked me what i wanted for my 7th birthday. I told her i wanted pearl drops tooth past, and a tooth brush, bc i didn't have one, and she got that for me, and a cake. I remember when my 2nd brother, and my older sister only 1&1/2 years older than me, they took us younger girls to the beach. Before we could go into the water, we were made to take off our bathing suits. My older sister could always do what she wanted. ware what she wanted, have a lot of what she wanted, and could ware makeup. I was never allowed any of that, i wasn't even allowed to ware jeans. Usually if something happened it was my fault.

There were several ways we would get corporal punishment, one was a board with a carved handle a hole in the top for a piece of leather to hang it on the wall it also had holes in the spanking part to give the most it could, another thing was a large leather belt with a large metal buckle on it, and more times than not we would end up getting hit with the buckle. we would also be sent outside to get a switch, and if it wasn't what my parents thought it should be the punishment would be worse, and my Mom would have mit Dad give the whippings, but if my Mom was questing me about something and she didn't like the answer i gave she would slap my face so hard i would end up on the floor. Back then nothing was done about any type of child abuse, it was all swept under the rug like it never happened, even when physical marks were left. Well ppl i need to stop for now, this is just a small portion of what i need to get out, but it is triggering a lot of flash backs, and anxity, so i will go on at another time. Thank you all that are following me and supporting me.

Thank you for sharing some of your story. It can be very hard to let it all out and there can be a lot of emotions that come up. I hope you can find some supportive people here and you can get what you are looking for.

You have been through so very much and my heart just breaks for you. I hope it was helpful to get all of that out. I hope you can find a way to heal from all of this. You deserved so much more....so much better. Your teacher getting you the outfit and you grandma getting you the toothpaste and cake were such bitter sweet stories. (((Big hugs to you)))

Thankyou for sharing, katydid.

Unfortunately this is just a small part of my life. i am hopping that if i am able to remember it all, and get it all out, things might be a little easier. Thank you for the big hug!

Unfortunately this was just the start of my life. Thank you for the big hugs!

I went to my Psycyatric Doctor today, and he upped my anxiety med to 4 times a day, and put me on a med that helps my dopamine. I can't take serotonin, i have a very bad reaction to it, so we are trying a dopamine receptor. wish me luck that it helps, and doesn't have a reaction with any of my medical meds.

I am so sorry. I hope that posting and talking helps. We are here for you. (((Hugs)))

I am sorry, but i have to let all of this go for a little while, it is causing me some problems. I have brought up some things that i never talked about. I see my councilor on tues, and i will show her this, and i may go on from there.

katy,
I am so sorry that you went through this. I am always willing to listen if you need it...Take care!

The big house we lived in had a old store in the front with a large window. My Dad did his work there, he fixed furniture. The house had a ceiler that you had to lift up part of the floor in the shop to get down there. I only remember a couple of times when my Mom was home during the holidays. I remember one Thanksgiving that my Mom made everything. She used her very special dishes, and her crystal glasses, we even had cream demint, after our very large meal. It is the only time i remember my Mom making such a meal while i was a kid. That house had the living room to the left of the front door, and a room with a door to the right. The room on the right was my uncle's room, and that is where he molested me. I remember we had a swing set in the back, and a garage with a room above it where pigeons were kept. We also had a white wolf/shepard named pooch, and he was always chained up outside. This house was across from a bar, so my parents went there a lot. I remember when my 2nd brother, and my older sister wanted to get away from home, they would make plans with another girl that we all knew, she would bring her younger sister, whom i am still friends to this day, any way we all would get together, us two younger girls were brought so the others wouldn't get into trouble, and we would ether go to the corn silos to catch pigeons, or we snuck out at night, down the lilac tree, and to the hospital to get cigarettes out of the ashtrays. It seemed like when we got caught i would get the worst punishment. I don't really know for sure, but my 2nd brother, and my older sister seemed to get special treatment. My 2nd brother got in trouble all the time, and would always bring me along with him, so i was always in trouble too. I don't remember if he was molesting me then, but he ended up being sent away to a boy's center. Well that's enough memory for today, see i warned all of you, that it was just a start. The more i type, the more i remember, and i am only at about 7to 8 years old. Thank you all for hanging in there with me, i think doing this might help some.