My wretched life, trigger, trigger, trigger

I am so proud of you for talking about it. Keep writing we are for you!

I went to see my T last week, and showed her this site. She thought this would be a great tool for me, but cautioned me about trying to remember too much at a time, bc it could throw me into major depression, or worse, and told me to slow down, bc it was all ready causing me problems. The day before seeing my T i had to stop the new med my Dr put me on, it was making me so mad at every little thing, and my depression was very bad. I told my T i had stopped the med, and why, and she agreed that i did the right thing. When i was in about the 3rd grade, we moved again to a small house in the country, that my parents lived in before i was born. They moved from there bc a tree fell on the house. The house had been repaired when we moved back into it. When we moved into it this time there were 6 of us kids, and only 2 bedrooms. All of us kids shared one room, and my parents had the other one. We were poor, so we were picked on from the other kids in the neighborhood, and at school. We had to walk to school, and it was a long way to walk in the winter. The snow would get as high, or even higher than my waist. One winter a kid from school was walking the railroad tracks to school, and was struck by a train. The school wouldn't let anyone out untill that kid was taken away. He was killed instantly. When we were let out, a lot of the kids that lived on the other side of the tracks, us included, went to see. The normally white snow was full of blood every where. After that no one was allowed to walk the tracks to school. Then we had to walk even further, down the road that in the spring is nothing but corn fields. We lived across the street from a river, that in the winter we went ice scateing, and tobogining on, and in the summer we went fishing. We had a couple friends that we would hang with, one of them, her father had a little boat that we would take out on the river. Of course we didn't have permission, but we did it anyway. My grand parents on my mom's side didn't live too far, and we would sometimes walk over there. They had thoe's wonderful dark purple grapes that we enjoyed every summer. There was also a lake, with a beach just past town, that we would walk to go swimming. I also remember in the summer there was a swamp that i would walk to, and catch frogs, tadpoles, and gardner snakes when i could. I wasn't afraid of anything, and was somewhat a tomboy then. I remember physical, and emotional abuse there, but for my childhood, i would have to say that living at this house was probably my best memories as a kid bc i was able to get away. That's not saying that it was a good enviorment for any child, but i was use to the abuse by then, and anytime i could get away, i did. We still got whipped with the paddle, leather belt, or a switch, and my mom still hated the site of me, but like i said i was able to get away a lot, and the punishment at the time was worth it. And during living at this house, i don't remember my mom being there much. This might be bc she was in, and out of the psy wards alot, I don't really remember her here much. Well i think i will let go for now.:hug

(((HUGS&TEARS)))
Thank you for sharing Katydid
Memories of the past are fleeting and difficult...even if I remembered more...don't think I'd be brave enough to write it all out like that..Thank you for being brave

While living at this house, my oldest brother turned 17, and went into the army. He was stationed in germany, and while he was there Christmas time was coming around. He sent us all gifts. He sent my mom a german coocoo clock,and he sent us girls barbie dolls that the knees bent like joints. As far as i can remember that was the only one i ever had. I don't remember what he sent my dad, or my other brother. I use to take my blanket, or sheet, and tie it up into the springs on our bunk beds, so i would have like my very own private space, and comb my barbie's hair. That next year before Christmas my dad's father passed away, so my dad went to florida for his furneral. When he came back, my parents auctioned off everything we had, sold the house, bought a truck with a camper top, and bought a pull behind travle trailer. They put a mattress in the back of the truck, and packed up our cloths, and just a couple things my parents let us keep, put everything that was going with us in the trawler. We had a white wolf/ shepard that we had from the time i was 6, or 7 that my parrents gave away to a farm. Later in my life i found out that the so called friends that my parents gave him to, had him put down within a week after we left.

After loading everything up, the next morning we left for florida. All of us kids climbed in the back of the truck. The truck had 2 windows, one on each side that we could see out. My dad would drive until he got tired, and found a camping ground for us to stay the night at. We would have something to eat, then we were sent to bed, and start again in the morning. It took us 5 days to get to florida,from where we lived in wisconsin.We were very suprised when we crossed the florida line bc not long after that we didn't see any more snow, and after a few more hours we started seeing orange groves. When we got to the city that my grandmother lived in we stayed at another campground, so we could clean up, and look ok when we seen my grandmother that morning. My mother had a set of new cloths for each of us, but mine, and my younger sister had identical polyester floral jumpsuits. We stayed at my grandma's until my parents found a place. I noticed at my grandma's the camealions, the different types of fruit trees, and so many different things from what i knew up north. When we moved in the house my parents found, it also was different. The house had a florida room with jealousy windows, and prickly plants in the yard. My parents let one of there good friends stay in the florida room, but he was way to friendly with me, he molested me, and i think my parents might have known, but didn't care. We also had to go to church every sunday, witch i didn't mind. I liked church. I was able to get away from problems at home, and i learned about God, and Jesus. I was even given my own bible, that i took with me when ever i could. My brother, and other sisters called me names like Jesus freak, but i was use to feeling like the outcast, so it didn't bother me so bad. I still have that bible, dated 1977. Well that is enough memory for now, our next house was real bad for me, and i am seeing too much of it in my mind right now, and Christmas eve is tomorrow, and i don't want to think, and picture things to much this weekend, so this is all at least until after this weekend. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas weekend, stay safe, and God bless. Oh i may comment on other things, but i won't be doing any more on this blog for a couple days.:hug

Hey katy, I read your posts.
I don't know how it feels - everything you felt throughout the years.
But I have been through depression, too, which made me feel darkness.
One way I went with coping is finding the good in the past.
Sometimes I have memories of the past, and while I have a tendency to find them depressing, I ask myself "why not see them as positive?".
I know you've been through many negative events and situations and I know the toll it can give. However there was the barbie doll, the bible, the swamp... there were things you enjoyed, even if you didn't feel or can't recall such feeling.

I'm giving you a hug and an ear (more accurately eyes since we communicate through text )

I know everyone is watching for my next post, about my surviving my abusive life, but for awhile i need to leave it alone. Because i had most of this buried in my brain, with cob webs all around it where i couldn't get in, but i have remembered a lot more than i thought i knew about, and it has made things a bit ruff. So i apologize, but for a while, until i can get a hold on just this little part of my life, i have to let it go for a short time. Anyone who has been through abuse, and has buried it, I know you understand, and for everyone else your support is greatly welcomed, needed, and accepted.

Thank you, I try, but my whole life has so much more diffrent types of abuse in it, but i haven't been able to write about it lately., but i do try to look at the positive, and i thanlk you for your support.

1/11/17 I was to see my T yesterday but she was out sick, so my new apt is the 25th. On top of that my best friend here has lung CA, that has matasisized. She has known about the CA for 5 months, but didn't want to worry anyone. The Dr she had wanted to take out at least half of one of her lungs, and told her that there wasn't any long term for her, and she would be lucky to live through surgery. She fired him, and starts going to the Cancer Treatments of America in Nwenan GA, the Atlanta office. So for anyone who reads my post, I so need all the hugs, and prayers i can. Just writing this, i am fighting from crying.