For years now, I've been working (in therapy and on my own) to recover from cutting off my emotions as a child (ever since). There was something I just couldn't handle - how dangerous my dad seemed - so I had to cut that reality off.

I've been putting off grieving him for ages.. I've written something about it here, and talked about it to some people, but I've had to force myself to do so.

I've now realised that grieving him would actually mean failure to me, like I've let myself down.. I've thought I shouldn't care! Then it wouldn't hurt so much

And now I feel I'm weak if I admit that basically not having a dad hurt. It f'ing hurt me! It's true - I can't fight it anymore.. Whether it means I'm weak or not, it did hurt - like hell..!

[winter4me]

Of course it hurts, and will hurt at times to come...I too was raised to shut down emotions, especially emotional pain, fear, uncertainty.... There is this idea that if we want/expect nothing then nothing will be too painful. But then, we cannot control what we want in the moment, or even what we 'expect'. You are strong to tolerate the conflicting, powerful feelings, to let them wash through you, ...
Weak is angry, screaming so as not to hear/feel/think.

[Frankbtl]

Hi not.dead.yet

Recognising, allowing out, facing, owning some really hard feelings, is in my opinion as far from weak as you can get!!!
It might hurt like......you might feel weak....but it can take a major amount of strength to do that!!! So......respect!!!
And I know it must be real tough for you, with a lot of different feelings going on which can be so hard to cope with, and it might get worse at times, but it can be necessary in working through things.........in getting to a "better place" in your life.
And if you want to talk, if you need support with what you're going through..........well we're here for you

Alison

Thank you both

I'm just SO grateful for the support I receive here

It's so true that this pain will probably keep coming to the surface from time to time.. It's too big to feel and deal with all at once..

I'm going to try and learn how to tolerate painful emotions better so that I don't get freaked out every time they do come to the surface.. I want to be able to accept, feel, honour and release the emotions so I'm not holding on to the pain forever..

Originally Posted by not.dead.yet

I'm going to try and learn how to tolerate painful emotions better so that I don't get freaked out every time they do come to the surface.. I want to be able to accept, feel, honour and release the emotions so I'm not holding on to the pain forever..

That's exactly what I had to learn to do,tolerate painful emotions.Well,actually,first I had to learn to tolerate any emotions at all and then work up to the painful ones.

My T used to tell me to 'just sit with' what I was feeling,and it took a very long time to not automatically shut them off.

I also put off grieving my Father,and although he's been gone 8 years,I have just in the past year allowed myself to feel the pain.

[gmts]

My father is still alive, but I think it won't be very long any more. And I know that I will be crying like hell when the day comes. But not about the father I had, but about the one I wanted to have.

No, grieving is not a failure for sure. I know 2 people who never knew their father, they had just walked away and never came back. But the day the message came in about his death they were crying gallons. About the father they wanted to have.

[nicoleflynn]

I never knew my dad and met him when I was 32. ALL of your/our feelings aren't right or wrong and should be honored. I wrote a poem called, The Fatherless Child.