How do I know if I'm repressing memories? (tw: sexual abuse, incest)

Good morning.

So, I don't have chronological memories from before age 14. I have vague memories that I don't have much context to. When I was 14, my stepdad sexually assaulted me. I know for sure that it happened.

I remember one instance when I was 12 where I was laying on my bed sobbing. I was afraid because I'd realized there was no way I could lay down and keep both my vagina and butt inaccessible. I could only position my legs to hide one. And I was afraid that during my sleep "the devil" would try and enter either of these.

I was extremely religious at the time (my whole family is/was) so I'm trying to figure out where this idea came from. I didn't learn about sex until I was 15/16. So why would 12 year old me be so terrified about being penetrated?? My stepdad was in my life at this time but I can't remember if he lived with us.

When I was 14/15, I also had dreams someone was touching me in my sleep.

When I was 20, my stepdad used to make comments towards me about my "d*ck sucking lips." And saying that he was the type of man who I was attracted too. I didn't realize anything was wrong with this until a friend of mine said she was deeply uncomfortable with it and said it was disturbing.

Unrelated to the above, but still while i was pubescent, I remember my dad bathing me and me being uncomfortable with it. I had breasts and pubes at the time and he still insisted on bathing me. I also remember him barging in on me several times while I was naked. He also had me do things like sit in his lap while he combed my hair, well beyond my needing help with it. Thinking back on spending time with my dad I just feel uncomfortable and a sense of dread.

I'm not in contact with either of these men (or anyone else in my family!). But I want to know if something happened to me that I don't remember. I also have Schizophrenia, and I wonder if these are just false memories? How do I find out for sure?

Thank you.

Hi Frybread! Welcome to the community!
I'm no authority on repressed memories, so the advice I have is scant. Thanks for sharing, let's keep our fingers crossed that we'll have someone stop by who can help.

Hi Frybread, welcome to Psych Central.

I saw your thread and I was not sure how to respond, I had to think about it. I don't know a lot about Schitzophrenia, however, from what I understand that challenge can produce false images and can create some paranoia challenges. It would be understandable that you don't want to create a memory that might add to the traumas that you know did happen, and with the challenge of schizophrenia a person is more likely to do that so being "careful" is important.

You do have memories that bother you and from what you have shared, what you did experience from these adult males was inappropriate on their part.

As far as you having dreams about being touched in your sleep? These could have been dreams from something you happened to either hear or see on TV. We can all have bad dreams where our mind imagines things that can seem real. Our brains record everything we see and hear and often we may not consciously remember the things our brains take in that our brains use to "learn" with.

I can remember having bad dreams and wondering how I came up with what I had dreampt about, and sometimes I can trace it to a movie I had seen or even something I had read or heard on the news.

I recommend waiting to see if anything else is remembered, but be careful as I have mentioned that you don't imagine something happened that did not.