Complicit Abuse

Does anyone else here struggle with feeling somehow complicit in their abuse? I was abused when I was 8 years old, but I basically agreed to be abused. I mean, I would agree to perform sexual acts (I didn't understand sexuality at all then) so that my brother would play games with me. I understand rationally that I had no responsibility concerning the abuse, but I have an irrational emotional belief that just makes me angry that I didn't say no or didn't ask for help.

It just astounds me that at the same time myself, my mom and my sister were all being sexually abused by my brother and none of us spoke up or knew about the situation of the others. It often torments me how their abuse must have been, were they tricked or manipulated in some way like me? Was it violent and were there screams in the night which I didn't hear, or worse ignored?

Did I allow others to be abused because I never pursued charges against my brother once I was able to remember what happened? And what other hideous secrets lie just beneath the surface with my family?

My memory of it all is foggy in parts and then extremely vivid in other areas, where I can remember smells and tastes along with specific words said or the settings in which I was abused.

I guess there is no way to truly make sense cognitively of sub-cognitive emotional urges which emerge from mental illness, but they nonetheless always cause us to obsess and evaluate again and again.

Does anyone else relate to these feelings?

The child is so innocent,so much looking UP to older people,he
can't do anything else but blame himself.I mean,he can't very well
blame the older adults who are so much wiser and knowing than he is . . . .he HAS to blame himself . . . . .given the situation . . .
he has no alternative . . . .thus the guilt later on.

Hi and welcome

I challenge your idea about your attitudes to the childhood abuse. A few times you have used the word 'agree' when talking about your childhood. That's a oxymoron, a child agreeing. A child cannot agree to something due to their nature of being a child. Children cannot consent to anything, they can't make an informed decision - yes or no. That's why the law says you must be 18 and over to give informed consent.

So don't feel bad or guilty about what happened to you as a child. You were a child, they were the adult. The adult is always responsible when it comes to sexual abuse. They're the ones that should feel guilt and shame, not you. And abuse happening to others - there was nothing you could have done simply because you were a child and powerless.

Do you see a therapist? They can help you work through the issues.

PH

I understand that these are inner beliefs unmanaged by my consciousness, they are in there but I know that they are irrational. I am currently in therapy and am starting EMDR today.

I also meditate, exercise and journal daily which seems to be really helpful. I wrote this after a particularly disturbing episode where I encountered a long repressed belief and emotional shame about the encounters. CBT cognitive replacement and EMDR should help with reintegrating the memories.

I am not my father or brother, I take the realities of my neurophysiology extremely seriously and have sought out resources and help which they never did.

Thank you for your encouragement, it helps to have the reality of the situation affirmed by others. I was a kid who had no clue what was happening, no category for it, and I had the memories repressed until I was 18.

It will take time to heal, but I'm hopeful.

We you, Journey-Man

I understand your struggle from an emotional perspective. I can recognize a lot of things on an intellectual level, but certain subconscious feelings can still eat at you, even if you know them to be irrational.

My abuse actually started at the same age. I carried into adulthood the feeling that I somehow allowed it and was ok with it happening, otherwise I would've stopped her somehow. I think when things like that happen so young and you have no concept or understanding of what's really occurring, your mind shapes itself around what little it can comprehend. My self esteem was absolutely crushed when I actually started developing sexually and realized that the proclivities of my mind had actually taken shape around having my past and things like it happen to me again. I grew to hate myself immensely for that. It made me feel like I had wanted it all along. Years later and I've actually just become willing to see an actual therapist about this crap.

Journey Man, best of luck to you as you start EMDR. Would you be willing to share your opinion of that therapy and whether or not you thought it was helpful? am considering EMDR and while I've read several books on the subject, I would like to hear from someone who actually went through the process, especially because my daughter has an abuse history similar to yours and blames herself too. Not her fault and not yours either!! A child cannot be blamed for not knowing how to handle such horrific experiences!
Sending you virtual hugs

I understand what you are relating. I know intellectually that I was not responsible for what happened to me. However the shame, self blame, self loathing, and guilt still haunt me. It is what my T and I work on the most.

It wasn't your fault and you aren't to blame. I know you know that. It is funny how what one believes and what one knows are not always the same thing. Hang in there.

Hmm, I looked up EMDR. Never heard of it. Sounds like pseudo crap to me. Maybe it works if you are susceptible to hypnosis or something. I suffered verbal/emotional abuse and neglect from a very early age and sexual abuse at that magic number of 8 by my bio dad. He'd wake me up at night, I knew it was wrong of him but there was no one to cry out to. Then he manipulated me to believe I would ruin the family if I told anyone, so I kept my mouth shut.

Only reason I could imagine seeing a therapist would be to relive it over and over, why would I want to do that? I suffered through it, survived it, and built my own life when I left home at 16.

I just don't get all the hoopla of years of throwing away money to waste time reliving it all with a "professional".

Just my opinion. Hope those who take that route feel they are getting their money's worth. I just don't see the value of spending years and years and years going over the same stuff.

You are of value in and of yourself. Embrace that. Move on to the life you deserve instead of reliving the past. That just seems counter intuitive to me and much more damaging than a life lived well.

But hey, whatever you feel is best for you, far be it for me to get in your way. It is your time and maybe your money.