[BlueAngel109]

This is the very first time I've spoken about this to anyone one other than my current therapist.

I was in therapy for five years. When I first went, I thought it was a good fit. He seemed to genuinely care. But then things got weird. He said I needed to relax, and since I didn't know how, herd teach me. At first while I was sitting up. I was svcarefd to death because I was abused by a doctor when I was little. Then he said I needed to learn to relax deeper. So he made me lay on the floor. Once did, he'd go through each body part, telling me to relax, which is what my abuser did. He said it was to foster trust between it. My alarm bells were going off, and I felt so dirty, humiliated and ashamed. He said that was because of my past. Then he'd have me draw my liners up, and spread my legs open to him. I was crying the whole time. If I asked to get ogff the floor, he would say no. He said I didn't have to cry and shake. He'd have me lay in different positions, all very open. He'd say not to fight him. This was NOT sex therapy! At least that's what he dsaid. He said I shouldn't feel dirty.

He used to make fun of my clothes, and said I needed to be more "girly". He even wanted to take me for a manicure and pedicure so I could be more feminine. He called me manipulative, and if I pushed back or said no, he wouldn't take that an as an answers. I have short\long term memory loss, so if I said I don't know or I forget he'd get perturbed. He yelled at me sometimes, and made me cry. Then said tears wouldn't help.

Once he was reading from a book about abuse, and I begged and pleaded for him to stop. He just yelled at me and kept right going.

I thought this was how therapy was supposed to be. I didn't realise what was going on. I thought he had my best interests at heart, but the only one he was looking out for was himself. He did much more that was wrong, but for now this is all I can get out. I've never told anyone this except my therapist now, who thinks he was abusive. My therapist said he was very very destructive. How can someone hurt someone who comes to them for help?

People say I should report him, but that makes me feel so much worse. Because of my disabilities, no one would would believe me. My therapist now said hell just turn it around on me and say it was all my fault.

I can't forgive myself for staying 5 years. That whole time, every time before I draw him I thought I was going to throw up.

He made me promise not to keep secreyts from him. The things I told that man! I could just die of shame. Since its been a year, and I'm safe now, all these flashbacks are happening, and I'm remembering things I forgot.

How could I have let this happen to myself? Why didn't I leave sooner? When I left he was on my case for something, and he wouldn't stop. So finally I looked at him and said " I don't have to do this anymore!" I got up, slamed the door, and never returned.

I didn't realise how bad all this was, until my new therapist. He's helping me very slowly untangle all this mess. I guess I just needed a safe place to say what happened to me. Please please don't judge me. Thank you for listening, BlueAngel

[childofchaos831]

Maybe just look up the process for reporting professional misconduct. He absolutely was wrong in what he did! You could also call the office where you would report and ask questions, without giving your name, I believe.

The part about "because of my disabilities, no one would believe me", I would like to suggest that perhaps that is one reason he chose you to abuse. Abusers often chose people that they see as weak or unlikely to say something. Just because they see that does not mean it is true. Also, because of your disabilities, it is likely that there are actually other protections for you that someone without disabilities would not have.

Please, consider looking into it. Gathering info doesn't mean you are actually going to report him, but it may help with some of your fears around it.

Puck

[mimsies]

Keep in mind, you do NOT have to report it, if you feel like you can't. If you can, that is great, but if not that is OK too. My concern is that you seem to feel bad about feeling unable to report, as well as blaming yourself for HIS choice to abuse someone who was vulnerable and trusting.

You are supposed to be able to trust your therapist. It isn't your fault when they abuse that trust.

I wish you continued healing and growing happiness.

PM me if you want.

[Tamster]

Angel,
I understand what you went thru , i was raped by my psychiatrist when i was 29. I felt i could not turn him in at the time and by the time i had the courage to talk about it to someone he had died of brain cancer. My Pdoc who i told about the abuse was horrified and wanted to do something about it immediately, if he had still been living even so many years later I was prepared to deal with it with the support of my then pdoc.
If you feel you aren't ready to do anything about it don't worry. But also don't blame yourself , I did that for years and thought it was my fault and thought i had to protect his family from the horrible truth. No, all the shame and blame is not worth it, they took a vow to take care not take advantage.
Be good to yourself and make sure to listen to yourself if you ever feel like this is happening again. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of, it is so easy to let our guard down.
You are not alone, Tam