Can you accept an apology from your abuser is a question from Crisp Apple

Recently Crisp Apple asked "can you accept an apology from your abuser? I some what answered that question, but it is so much more complicated than my answer at the time. First of all I have been abused in more ways than one. I was sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally abused, so what i say may, or may not make sense to everyone, and all of it, or parts of it doesn't make sense to me, but i am trying to understand as much of it all that my brain can take. My whole life has been one type of abuse. Even now, I am almost 52 years old, and i am still being abused. The difference now, is that i know i am being abused, but with the help of my T i am trying to understand, and work with what i am able to. In the world that i have lived in, there was only one, now maybe 2 sincere apologies that i needed, even to this day. The one that my soul has needed, and now will until i pass on, is my mother. I would give a capital letter to her if i felt she was deserving, but that is never to be. All of my childhood, and even more my adulthood I have tried, and done anything, and everything i humanly could to make my mother happy, content,satified, ect. Just to feel like she might care just a little for me. I am almost 52, and my biggest task to fulfill, until she passed away, was for my mother to, at the very least to like me, and hopefully, to actually love me as one of her children. And no i wasn't adopted, or a step child. My mother gave birth to me, with my real father waiting.

I was an over 2 month premie. I stayed in the hospital, when my mother went home. When i was well enough to go home, i went to my aunt's home, not my parents. As i grew, my parents had 2 more children, and one still birth, so there were 6 of us children. I don't know how old i was when i went to my parents home. As i grew up my mother had her favorites, and i wasn't one of them. I always tried to be a very good child, so maybe i might get a good word, or something from my mother, but that never happened. If i brought home a b plus, my mother would say i should have gotten better. I wasn't allowed to do things that my older sister of 1&1/2 years did, even when i had gotten to that age that she was allowed to do things. So to make a long story short, i was emotionally abused during my young years. I was neglected, especially by the one person i needed the most, and by that time i had been molested by several people, my parents trusted to be with there daughters. I don't know if my younger sisters were sexually abused, but me, and my older sister, by 1&1/2 years were.

By the time i was 12 years old i had been molested,emotionally,physically, and sexually abused, and i believe my older sister was also at the very lasted molested, but i really believed she was sexually abused, like i had been. The really bad part was that the sex abuse had happened many times, by my parents friends, and close family, including my father, and brothers. My older sister had gotten smart, and married a guy just to get out. She later divorced him, about a 1&1/2 years later, she was only 15&1/2 then. To this day, i believe ppl don't understand. My parents were as disfuncitional as they come. After we moved to Florida, my other brother, and my father sexually abused me. My father only did it once, ( witch is no excuse) and he was drunk (also no excuse) but my 2nd brother kept doing it. I got to the point that i would sleep under my bed bc i was trying to stop what was happening, but it never worked. I finally ran away from home, put into a shelter home, for the first time i tried to kill myself, it didn't, i didn't blend, so i ran away. when i was found i was put into a secure shelter home,(like i was a criminal). At that time at 12 years old, i tried to commit suicide, and was sent to a psy hospital, and i still remember the name of the hospital. Someone sent me flowers, i don't know who, but someone sent them, and i was made to believe it was my mother. Anyway i know now my parents were doing what ever they needed to, keep my father out of jail.

re they lying to you? are they making you the problem? I don't know this, but i do know that gossip is as bad as being gussied abo or the one gussied gussied abutted abutted ab0abutted abutted

I'm sorry that the thread I started was so triggering for you.

I could really relate to your story in so many ways and I'm sorry that you have so much unresolved hurt and pain.

SO AWFUL gosh what can I say. It's not right. No I can't accept the apology because they never stopped abusing me like repent so now you don't have the opportunity and you say sorry. So thats how it is for me.

[QUOTE=katydid777;5541914]re they lying to you? are they making you the problem? I don't know this, but i do know that gossip is as bad as guessing.

I also am sorry, for letting go on all of that. I hope i didn't offend, or hurt anyone in any way.

I don't think you should be sorry to get it out is good the truth is not offensive to me.

Just wanted to say, i am originally from WI.

Really very nice to meet here I live in Janesville

I use to live in Kenosha, then Silver Lake, now i live in Georgia.

Ah Silver lake one good fishin lake how do you like the south?

I love the south, there isn't any way that i could live up north again. It is too cold,and gloomy, winter lasts too long. If it could stay spring, summer, or early fall i could do it, but i have lived in the south for almost 40 years, so i don't think i could handle the cooler weather. Even in the summer i remember we thought 70 degrees was warm. Now 70 degrees i get chilled, and have to have the heat on. I do miss the country up there, and the black dirt, here we have red dirt, red clay, and lots of rocks, so a garden is hard, but we have one every year, and i have 7 diffrent fruit trees, blueberry bushes, and grape vines. We live at the foothills of the smokey mountains. That is why we have so many rocks. I do miss real beer brauts with real braut buns, rubarb, and mostly cheese curds.

I can't even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for all you went through. It's heartbreaking and too much for any person. What have you found to be helpful for you in moving forward from this? I haven't been through all you have but I relate to several things. Molestation from family friends, my friends family, my brother. Violence from several family members and outside my family. I don't want an apology from most of these people, in fact I don't ever want to see them again in my life. My ex husband recently apologized for the abuse and it was mildly helpful and at least it was something considering I can't get him out of my life. I'd like an apology from my 98 year old grandfather for choking me at age 9 and my dad for choking me with a jump rope around the same age but my dad doesn't remember (even though my mom had to beat him off me.....how could he forget?) and maybe my grandpa doesn't remember and reminding him could kill him so I can't do that. Logically I've made as much peace with these situations as can be expected but emotionally it infects so much, and I don't know the answers on how to fix it. I'm so sorry for you, for me, for everyone and anyone who has been through abuse. You are strong, never forget that and don't let anyone make you feel different. (((Hugs)))

Crisp apple, i am so sorry if i said anything that hurt you, i couldn't help my self about this question. I wish you would come back to Psych Central. My reaction isn't your fault, this is my problem, and that is one of the reasons that i go to therapy. PLEASE COME BACK!

The rest of the ppl that have abused me that are still alive, i don't know if i can ever forgive them, let alone ever forget. It seems the only person that i am able to forgive is my husband, and that is for emotional/ verbal abuse, but even him i won't forget. I love my husband, but sometimes i don't like him. The other person in my house is my oldest brother,and i can't forgive, or forget the molestation from him. He only lives here because he had a fall 2 years ago, and ended up with a spinal cord injury. My husband told him he had a place here, and when i seen him 2 years ago i couldn't say no. He can barely walk, ant he has problems with his arms. When we moved him up here, a week later he had gotten where he couldn't walk. We rushed him to the ER, and he had emergency cervical spine surgery. The Dr said if we hadn't brought him, he would have been a quadroplegic. And the only reason he is in my home is, no one else in the family had a place to put him, and i had 2 extra rooms. But i won't forgive, forget, and i don't even like him, and no one can make me change that. Even now, with his medical problems, i don't trust him. In my openion he is a dirty old man. So sorry, i guess i am ranting again.

kattydid777 have you ever tried composting to make black dirt. It really works good and ashes from trees also make black dirt.

That is a wonderful idea, about the trees. We have a wood burning stove, we use during cold weather.

Thanks for starting this thread, Katydid. I've mulled this around myself. For me, I really couldn't fathom even receiving an apology, so it's a moot issue.

Nonetheless, I would say the answer is YES, with caveats. Accepting an apology means different things to each of us. I'd allow my abusers to get it off their chest, but would it restore any relationship between us. NAW

It's really hard...

I feel like I could on the surface...but deep down no.
It's been too long. Too much trust has been broken.

It's reached a point now of no return. We have gotten along for over a year but I'm still waiting for the day that something will happen.

I don't want to go back to that place where I felt like I couldn't move, sleep, wake up, sit down, do ANYTHING around the house without consistent fear. But the fact he put me through that in the first place, makes me never want to forgive him for anything.

I very much respect your answer, and i wish i could be the same way. Maybe in the future, after i have been able to fix myself, with my T's help, i may be able to accept a apology, but i also know myself enough that, i will never forget, or trust any of these ppl again. With my dad, i guess he needed to get it off his chest before he passed away. It wasn't like that with my mother, she could have talked with me, and i tried a couple of times to talk to her before she passed away, but she wouldn't do it. I try not to let it affect me, but she is the one who hurts the most. Even now, she has been gone for 5 years now, and i still feel like my heart is so broken, that i may never be able to fix it. My mom and i didn't see, or speak to each other for at least 2 years before she passed away.

I feel the same way, with my oldest brother living with us. I am always on guard!

I'm so sorry to hear you feel that way For me it's my dad. And it's difficult because I know he loves me, he almost loves me so much that this is the reason why he did all this. I just...don't understand it. It makes me feel cursed for being loved that much, if you know what I mean?

Like I almost feel like I'm the rock on which my family stands. He has outright told me that he would kill himself if I died/killed myself. When you struggle with depression, how is that supposed to make you feel? What about my mum and sister, and the life of misery I'd be dooming them to if something bad happened to me?

He might not say these things anymore, but I guess words as strong as that will always haunt me.

Sorry to go on a bit. It's just been eating me up alive.

You are not going on. Are you in therapy? It does help. I wish i had done it years ago, my whole life would have been diffrent. I believe if i had done this for myself, i would have fulfilled the things in life that i had wanted to do, and my whole life would have been diffrent, and so much better, and i wouldn't be dealing with all the issues i am today.