[Marylin]

hello I just noticed this forum.My mother and sister abused me for 35 years..I just cut my mum out of my life went no contact six weeks ago.Why?She was helping my narcissist sister who I cut out of my life a year and 9 months ago to get into my house behind my back by giving her my spare keys.They both verbally,emotionally,psychologically and mentally abused me for so long,as a child I was neglected.

Are there any other here that have been so abused that would like to talk about it?I could do with the support and encouragement from those who have trod this same path of No contact.I feel so alone now and isolated it feels like a punishment that I am alone.I chose to be without them they will only destroy me if I leave them in my life,but i wasn't prepared for the pain and loneliness of separation!Help please!

[BrazenApogee]

Hi,
I am recovering from a narcissistic spiritual leader attack. I know it's not the same as family, but I trusted him a lot and he was the center of my social network. I have had to remove myself from everyone in order to get away. It has been very lonely these last 2 years, but it has been worth it. Going no contact is one of the best things to do. I have found new friends and a great Therapist. Remember, it's not about you.

[Marylin]

Hello Brazenapogee,a narcissist is a narcissist and they all have the same mode of operation and traits,they are nasty and destructive to their victims.So the fact yours was a spiritual leader and not a family member makes no difference.

I know what you have been through and you know what I have suffered!

Thanks I feel undeserving,I have absorbed all the lies they told me about myself, I feel being alone is my punishment because what they said about me being useless,and lazy and demanding is true,though I can look at things and find evidence of what I've done for them proves it is all untrue.

I feel no one cares but the truth is there has been no one because I've been hidden away,they controlled me so that I am isolated from people that might care,they isolated me my whole life.

Now I don't know how to reach out to others,I seem to only attract narcissists and I sense myself with strangers I am all give and concerned to meet others needs over and above my own,so others that I end up getting involved with are takers,abusers who want to use me.

I don't know how to be so I am looking out for myself, though as a start I have ended two situations aside from family that were heading towards me being abused and let down.
How do I get my life sorted from here on in?
I am seeing for the first time tomorrow a support worker for victims of domestic abuse who also have mental illness.Hopefully she will arrange counseling for me too!

[Open Eyes]

Hi Marylin, I came across this article and thought it would be good for you to read.

Reinventing Codependency/Recovering From Self-Love Deficit Disorder

[BrazenApogee]

Yes, getting a good Therapist will help a lot. Also doing things just for you, and being ok with being alone (which I know is hard but important) will help a lot. Self Care is very important. I didn't really know about self care until I started to have problems and tried to find ways to deal with it. Find safe space for yourself and surround yourself with people who are worthy of your trust. Not everyone is, and that's ok. You are not responsible for how others receive you. If they are not willing to give you understanding and acceptance that is all about them, not you. You can understand and accept yourself without them.

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi Marylin, I came across this article and thought it would be good for you to read.

Reinventing Codependency/Recovering From Self-Love Deficit Disorder

Thank you for this article I found it very helpful!

[educationiskey]

Great article! Thank you for sharing!

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

Yes, getting a good Therapist will help a lot. Also doing things just for you, and being ok with being alone (which I know is hard but important) will help a lot. Self Care is very important. I didn't really know about self care until I started to have problems and tried to find ways to deal with it. Find safe space for yourself and surround yourself with people who are worthy of your trust. Not everyone is, and that's ok. You are not responsible for how others receive you. If they are not willing to give you understanding and acceptance that is all about them, not you. You can understand and accept yourself without them.

Thank you Brazenapogee for this advice,it is spot on.I do need to learn to be alone and enjoy things alone that is important.What is also helpful is to know that I am not at fault if people are not willing to give me understanding and acceptance and that is about them and not me.

I can understand and accept myself without other people.
I find it hard to deal with verbal abuse,emotional abuse rejection.

Part of the abuse I suffered from my narc sister and narc mother was they were always threatening me with rejection and abandonment,my sister would drive me home slam the car door shut as I got out and say that's it you are on your own and I'd be too ill to look after myself and she would just abandon me.

Like a stupid fool I'd ring her and beg her back,that was a psychological ploy to make herself my sole rescuer and make me dependent and keep me helpless.

It is hard not to feel without others in my life I will be unable to cope look after myself.But I have found amazing strength in cutting both narc sister and narc mother out of my life,I have done it through trauma and PTSD symptoms a year and nine months ago and my place was a mess needed a lot of physical work to sort it.

Six weeks ago more trauma when narc sis got hold of my spare keys and let herself into my home and trashed it,moving stuff around from where I kept it and taking things meant a lot to me and also things I had given her to take to charity she had put back in the wardrobe,shoes and clothes.

I know that is over now,I am going to see the domestic abuse support worker today so I will see how that goes and what help they can offer me?There was mentioned that they would sort me out with free counselling.

Thanks again for your words they are very helpful!

[Marylin]

An update,today I am feeling much better and optimistic and hopeful.
I had an assessment at 1pm to see if I was a suitable candidate for domestic violence support for those with mental health issues/complex needs.
I met a lovely young woman who took me through the questions and immediately took me on to her caseload.I get to meet her for coffee once a week and we chat and she gives me emotional support.She will ring me regular too during the week to check that I am ok.
She is really nice and has a lot of experience both working with domestic abuse victims and her own personal experience of it....I am looking forward to seeing her.Also she says she will arrange free counselling for me.

Otherwise,it was a lot cooler weather wise today and so physically I am feeling much better too.I am altogether much more comfortable,physically and emotionally today.
My depressive illness is lifting a bit from not being abused and knowing I have support now!

[BrazenApogee]

I am happy you are getting support and help. Support networks are essential. It sounds like it is helping already. I am glad you are feeling better. The more you can add to your support network and the more Self Care actions you take will help create emotional safety.

I also encourage you to do some research on some of the things you mentioned.

Gaslighting - a technique a narcissist uses to manipulate their victim into thinking they are worthless, wrong, or crazy.

Emotional Blackmail - "Do what I want you to or else I will withhold my love, attention, and reject or disconnect you."

[Marylin]

Brazenapogee yes, I have read all about the narcissistic mode of operation and experience d a lot of gaslighting, I had been made out to be wrong,worthless and crazy,what makes me mad is I did so much to help them out both practically and gave them so much emotionally,it was never enough and this myth was bounded about that I was the useless ill one and my sister did everything, a colossal lie.

Also lots of emotional blackmail,withholding of love,attention,approval much rejecting angry energy.Being told when I didn't do what my sister wanted if you love your niece you'd do it,you have made your niece cry you don't love her.

I was having what I thought was an adult discussion with my sister about my niece and my sister involved my young niece unnecessarily,made my niece cry and blamed that on me saying I didn't love her.

It was my sister behaving like a five year old,she switched from adult mode into five year old tantrum mode,what's more it was deliberate change of tone and inflection to mess with my adult mind and send me crazy.

I immediately withdrew from my sister and cut her out of my life,I could see her intention was to hurt and frustrate me and deliberately play these psychological mind games she messed with my sanity knowing I was vulnerable to mental illness.Her end goal to make me ill enough to commit suicide.

This was a year and nine months ago.Only last month I learned she had gotten the spare keys to my house from my mother and unbeknown to me had been letting herself into my house and moving my stuff around,it was like having a ghost in the house,it was intrusive,invasive and psychologically nasty and cruel.

[Marylin]

I am feeling safer and more confident tonight.I saw a film with my niece and we ate at Nando's,When I got home I felt safe enough to put the spare keys to my house in the keysafe,it has a new code and I am confident my narcs can't get hold if it.I was scared narc sis might be psychic and read my mind for the new code but no I won't be read,I've blocked her reading me!I will soon find out if she is getting in again,it isn't likely.I will be getting CCTV too as soon as I've saved up for it!

I did feel low earlier cos of the heat but am feeling much better,now.Got my Saturday chores to do tomorrow.I am looking forward to meeting my emotional support worker for coffee next week.

[Marylin]

Still feeling more confident.I went to collect my pay today and to the bank, treated myself to new hair dye and dyed my hair violet.I liked the dye so much I bought 2 more online when I got a chance tonight and some pink nail polish.It is good to take care of your grooming makes you feel better.Anyway not a bad day and tomorrow is a rest day.My groceries will be delivered and some new clothes that I ordered.I am watching a dating program for celecbrities now on channel 4 here in the UK called first dates.Jo Wood Ronnie Wood's ex of the Rolling Stones was on it last week and her date
was the spitting image of Ronnie.she enjoyed the date but decided she didn't want another Ronnie in her life!

[Fredje]

Hello Marylin,

it's going to take a long time to get emotionally detached from a narcistic abuser, wether this is a family member or a lifepartner. I've been on the move for over 3 weeks now since my last contact with my ex-girlfriend after I went completly mental and almost got to the point where I would be arrested for stalking. It's quite difficult to get rid of someone from your life that you have known for such a long time. I have left my sister 6 years ago because of several heavy mental ilnesess, BPD, NPD, schitzofrenia, manic depression and her wanting to become a man ( but in the end she didn't )

Half a year ago my sister decided that we're not family anymore and she cut ties with every family member. It didn't do me much because I unattached myself 6 years ago. It takes quite a bit of time to detach from her completly. Take time for yourself, don't blame yourself like I have done for the past 12 months regarding my ex-gf and the first 1,5 years regarding my sister.

It takes a strong person to detach from family members, and it takes an even stronger person to detach yourself from a narcistic abusive person. In the end, we together ( you and me ) will laugh and we will gloat over their misfortune, if they ever realise what they have done to other people. Take my advice, don't try to talk or convince them they are doing wrong. That is what made me go insane and made me lose myself in stalking her and hurting myself over and over. Don't let that feeling catch you of "helping" them or trying to convince them they're wrong. They simply don't see their mistakes.

It's safe to say that the breakup from my ex-girlfriend was a lot tougher then my sister telling me I am not her brother anymore. My ex got neglected when she was young and that is why she doesn't know what she is doing, or she does it because she knows it's getting her what she wants. Be proud, just like me, to be that one thing they can't get but what they want to have so much. In the end, their world will crumble down.

Like everyone said before " you don't know what an abusive relationship is unless you experienced it " You will get a lot more fallbacks and beggings to your family members, but try to resist them. I wrote down the pro's and cons, and I noticed my ex-girlfriend wasn't anything like she was in the beginning. I have lived a lie for over 2 years for a woman who wanted to use me to make herself look better.

[Marylin]

Fredje,thank you for your wise words.It has been one year nine months since I cut my narc sister out my life and to be honest she was so abusive I found it easy to stay away from her though emotionally it was a strain cos I was so enmeshed with her for years.It is easy now I never want to see her again.It is six weeks with my mother,and easier than I thought it would be.I don't know if they will try get to me.The sister got the spare keys off of mother and was letting herself into my house and messing with my stuff to make me feel like I am going crazy,vile maggot that she is!I have changed the locks.I know they won't rest until I am dead so I don't know what they will try next.
They are users so guaranteed if they do try it on it is cos they want something from me not because they care,they make me feel sick.I do feel much stronger well away from them.No contact is the best thing for me so not planning on changing that.

Well done on getting free of both of your narcs.Losing an ex is never easy but if she was a narcissist you are better off you know that.Slowly our life improves.You are losing weight,well done, I have a lot of weight to lose too!Take good care of yourself Fredje.Hugs Marylinx

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by Marylin

Are there any other here that have been so abused that would like to talk about it?I could do with the support and encouragement from those who have trod this same path of No contact.I feel so alone now and isolated it feels like a punishment that I am alone.I chose to be without them they will only destroy me if I leave them in my life,but i wasn't prepared for the pain and loneliness of separation!Help please!

I went No Contact with my narcissist father about one year ago. Now I'm learning that I will probably have to be No Contact with my older brother too, who isn't narcissistic, but he is manipulative and abusive. Speaking to him feels like letting my father back into my life.

The loneliness of separation often makes people patch things up. Shame also plays a big part in wanting to give up the distance. There's also the hopefulness that comes with long term denial -- it tricks us into forgetting the WHOLE story and we start looking at our abusers as "just people" who "made a few mistakes." They aren't just people. They are people with a history of abusing and hurting you. People who love you should NOT hurt you.

You have to look for new "family." New friends. You have to plug yourself into your community, go to a painting class, join a service group like Epsilon Sigma Alpha. Slowing build a new family for yourself. I have a lot of lesbian and bisexual friends who had to do just that after they came out because they were rejected by their own families.

It hurts to know my brother has become such a mirror image of my dad -- but I keep asking myself this: Was he a support to me? No. Was he providing assurance, warmth, encouragement? No. He was only providing me with pain and suffering. My real loved ones don't do that -- my friends have always been supportive and they are my real family.

[Marylin]

Thank you so much for your post above Starfruit, you are absolutely right.Thankfully the loneliness will never send me back into denial, my narcs were extremely violent in every respect, emotional,psychologically,verbally and although never hit me caused me extreme illness and almost death from possible,heart attack,stroke, possible cancer, they also tried to murder-suicide me through my mental ill health.it took me a long time to realize they were causing my illness deliberately.It took bust ups over my will for me to realize they wanted me dead for my money and I went into denial about that for a while.
I am encouraged by you saying you have friends whose families rejected them for their sexuality and they went on to make new friends and 'families'.I am going to try and do that for myself.I will never go back to my family I see that now and what you say is correct,these people deliberately abused me and people who love and care about you would never do that.
I have come to terms with being lonely since my last post, and taken steps to go out there and meet new people , so I will be ok I am sure!Thanks again for your reassuring words Starfruit.Marylinx

[Marylin]

Today I read this book:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-G...sistic+mothers

It is a very healing orientated work and I liked how gentle it was on us daughters of narcissistic mothers.

I knew the contents of the book,I mean all the information about my mother and how her lack of ability to love me affected and still affects me, I already knew but it wasn't conscious knowledge it was all under the surface.

And it kept getting lost in the confusion of every time I tried to get mum's love and approval and instead was confronted with mum needing something from me.

I had to be the parent trouble was there was a five year old child inside me all along wondering when mum would finally meet my needs and hoping she would come good.

Of course I see now mum wasn't ever capable of loving me and giving me empathy,my feelings never mattered and never will to her.

So I have finally let go of all hope and any expectations I had of her,for now or the future.I am still deeply disappointed and in grief but I now see how impossible my desire to have her behave as I need her to is.

I have given up on wanting her to care, and although part of me wishes she did care and would pick up the phone and see how I am, I know that part of me is fading and getting the reality of who my mum is,how she works and how little she actually does care about me if I am not meeting her enormously demanding needs.


The book says we have to grieve the loss of hope and see the reality and feel the pain of the trauma as a first step,so that is where I am with it so far.

Then you go on to develop your own internal mother which means you stop being in relationships where you are needy and dependent or codependent and doing all the giving.

Instead you are looking after yourself,being a mother to yourself,validating your own feelings and finding yourself an adult,you acknowledge you no longer have the right to expect to have a mother,at your age you are grown up and should have separated from family and the need for mother's nurture.You nurture yourself.

You are independent but still giving and receiving in relationships with others and someone who is equally self reliant and independent,becoming interdependent.

I feel that suits me better than what has gone on before.

To be honest I can't think too much more about it all today.I am overwhelmed by what I read in the book and am feeling some pain which I am trying to stay numb to cos I am too tired to get into the emotional pain.

I have a good two weeks mostly of solitude and peace so I will mull it over during that time.

I am feeling much stronger internally and I need absolutely nothing from my narcissist mother or narcissist sister.

I am blessed with God's Love and am finding my own peace and security.Marylinx

[BrazenApogee]

I have found accepting the losses is a big part of feeling better and getting my soul and life back. Feeling the pain and accepting it, in stead of fighting it and trying to make things better. Funny thing is, that acceptance and some time makes things better all on its own. My energy is freed up to be myself and take care of myself again.

[Fuzzybear]

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

I have found accepting the losses is a big part of feeling better and getting my soul and life back. Feeling the pain and accepting it, in stead of fighting it and trying to make things better. Funny thing is, that acceptance and some time makes things better all on its own. My energy is freed up to be myself and take care of myself again.

Yes coming to an acceptance that my narc mother is what she is and will never change has helped me enormously.

Also not having any expectations that she will come good and give to me emotionally has gone a long way towards bringing me peace.

I can even allow whatever she decides about cutting me out of her will or leaving me in it.

It used to bother me a lot that she might choose to withhold my inheritance.

Now whatever happens it will be for the best.I will live my life and be ok.

So long as I am no longer controlled and messed up ,abused, by them I am going to be happy and at peace.

I enjoy every day so much more now.Like you say accepting the losses is a big part of getting my life and soul back

[Marylin]

I am doing good today again,I had a really peaceful day,I met my support worker and we discussed the abuse I went through and got a lot of my chest.She suggested workshops I can attend so long as their funding goes ahead...it will take time for that to be set up.
I am not lonely anymore just alone and happy with my own company,also making plans for places to go to meet new people.I have done really well with my niece being on holiday,not struggling with not having her to text like I though I would,I do miss her,it is practice for when she is at university and won't text or see her much.I have been mostly engrossed in my own interests and pass times and keeping busy with my home and garden...I am pleased with my progress.I still have some painful memories that I am trying to keep at bay,don't want to relive them but the pain is stored in my body and needs releasing,so counselling needs to be arranged so I am looking at those really abusive incidents with support.

[BrazenApogee]

Glad to hear you are doing well. Getting the emotions out can be helpful. Doing some art or writing could help. I do those things a lot. Letting time pass helps too. I hope you get a good councilor

[Marylin]

All the abuse I suffered has taken its toll on me, I have an angina problem and have to have my heart checked out at the hospital.Also I have been through the menopause for 5 years now but got period pains and some blood spotting so have to be checked to rule out cancer.I felt ill yesterday.I am now worried I will die of either a heart attack or cancer.
I don't know,part of me is saying that whatever I have either end they may have caught it early and be able to save me another side of me is saying so what if I die,at least I won't be suffering anymore or too ill to live life and enjoy it.Really though I don't want to die but the doc said it is a worry cos in my condition it can get serious quite quickly,but he said if caught early they can increase my chances.
I have had angina since 2008 so thought I would just plod on suffering but alive regardless,not so sure now...though I have an uncle who had a heart attack back in the late 90's who is still alive and I haven't had a heart attack yet so maybe there is a chance!I mustn't be negative.
I know the narc mother and narc sister would be so happy if I died of a heart attack, so try my best not to make it happen for them!

[Cat_Lover_58]

I've quickly read through these posts. My mother is a narc and it's very hard to accept. It comes and goes. I've seen her abuse toward my daughters as well. Mom just, of course, blames me for poisoning the girls against her. Fact is they don't much like her and thinks she's a whack job, for lack of a better term.

I've written and talked to my therapist till I'm blue in the face. My sisters know how I feel as do my girls. I'm easing way back from mom. I've done the no-contact thing for 2/3 years and that's a bit harder with college graduations and such.

Fast forward to now...I'm okay with less contact. I need to just leave if she starts her abusive behavior. I have also waited to let my favorite cousin know what's going on with me. I don't want it to be an angry letter but I do want it to be honest. I've put it off for a few months.

I'm learning about me and accepting that I just am not like my sisters and they don't get her abusive behavior directed at them. I also have my last child in college and she'll graduate in December. Soon after that who knows where life will lead me? Her sister graduated this past May, got a job soon thereafter, and is now living in VA. Her life has moved on and mine will too.

I don't want to waste more of my life. It's worth it! I'm worth it!

Thanks Marylin for your post. I can so relate! Cat