Emotionally Abusive Fiance

You are correct. She is acting childish, because she's upset that you dumped her. So, she is determined to make your life miserable by acting like a child. A mature adult would be upset that the relationship ended, but would be mature enough to arrange it so that you could get all of your things.

What items are left that she's still holding hostage from you? Are they personal, familial items (photo albums, clothing, etc.)? Or are they items that you can do without (microwave, vacuum, tennis racket, etc).

If you know that you want those items, like I said, you can try one more time. Can you ask her parents to help you?

Or, are their alliances solely with their daughter now that the relationship is over? If you can convince her parents to talk to her and even meet you there, that puts pressure on her to act like the adult she is, esp. since she has children. Sad, that she can't act like a mature adult about this.

If her parents don't want to get involved, and she refuses to agree to give you the rest of your items, then yeah, I'd call in a mediator. That would be the last straw. She's behaving foolishly. Don't let her manipulate and control you. Don't let her make you angry, because that's what she wants -- a reaction from you that will justify her petulant behavior.

Did you ever make a list of "your" items so she knows you know what you have left there?

Sometimes, what helps is having a lawyer that has a list and having the lawyer send it to her certified return receipt. That way she can't play games with you and intimidate you the way she has. She is showing you by her actions that you made the right choice by leaving her.

The entire relationship you had with her of what you have shared is describing a person that had NO respect for you. Why you ever loved her is something you need to look into so you don't fall into that same trap again. She was behaving like a controlling mother, not a partner and now she is punishing you for no obeying. Don't look for that kind of woman, you need a partner, not a controlling mother.

You got lucky to get back the few more things she left in the yard, without setting it on fire (I've seen that done!). I'd leave well enough alone.

You gotta know when to hold'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

DF, did you see this page on advicenow.org.uk:

A survival guide to living together and breaking up | Advicenow

Make sure that you inform:

The bank and all credit companies or anyone you have a hire purchase agreement with.
Your doctor, dentist, and any other health workers.
If you have children, inform the child’s school or nursery.
Water, gas, electricity and telephone companies.
The Post Office if you need your post to be redirected.
The company you have your buildings and/or contents insurance with.

Links to find a mediator if you go that route:

http://www.resolution.org.uk/memberS...asp?page_id=44 and https://www.familymediationcouncil.o...ocal-mediator/

It's quite ironic because throughout our relationship (mostly the latter part) she had been saying that it was me who was behaving like a child and that she felt like she was telling me 'how to behave'.

As a nearly middle aged woman it is surprising just how childish she has behaved and not being able to handle or deal with me to collect my things is just plain petty and rude.

The only remaining items that she is still holding is minor things such as DVDs etc. I could in theory do without them but for me it's the principal of the matter and that is why I don't want to just leave them.

Very much so, a common sign of an abuser or Narcissist that can't maintain a steady healthy relationship.

Looking back, she was quite huffy and easily offended very often. I should have ditched her long ago as soon as I saw the signs.

Absolutely. I have no intention of reacting to her provocative behaviour and will not give her the satisfaction of having control over me once again.

Are you sure you want to pursue and now be the aggressor?

How does asking for his things back, make DF the aggressor suddenly, TishaBuv? Esp. when she's holding his items hostage? Those are his CDs, etc. that she should return to him. She's middle aged. She has children. She can't just give him back his things, without throwing a tantrum?

Remember, she threw his belongings out into her front garden. Anyone passing by, could have easily just stolen everything DF owned, before he arrived to pick those items up. That's not exactly the behavior of a mature adult, now, is it. I'd hardly call DF aggressive for wanting to get the rest of his items back.

Yes, I sent her that list by text message so she knows.

I will do that regarding your advice about the lawyer, thanks for that.

You're right, she has shown herself to be what she always has and will be (albeit more evidently of late) a nasty, toxic, spiteful and vindictive ******.

I gave her respect, support and everything you would expect your partner to do but in all honesty really didn't get all of that back from her in return.

Why would I be the aggressor? I'm simply claiming what is rightly mine and my personal property.

Exactly. When the guy I dated 7 years ago broke up with me, we both had items that belonged to each other our our places. We returned each other's things, despite feeling awkward and everything about the situation. I brought over his items to his place, gave them back to him, and that gave me a chance to get my items back too. Totally drama-free experience.

I don't think she threw them out literally into the garden, I think she placed them there which was humiliating because everyone in the street could see and it would be obvious to them what was happening (he's getting the boot it would look like to them.)

But you're right, anyone could have helped themselves to anything and off they go. She hadn't even considered that, or IF she did then she wouldn't have given a stuff.

For a 40yr old woman it is quite appalling how she has behaved and handled this.

Sorry, 'threw' was an expression more than a literal description. Ha. Whoops.

She's 40 years old acting like this? With children? Wow.

Oh my friend, you dodged a HUGE bullet. Huge. Huuuge.

If she was a mature, nice person, he would have married her. It's clear she's not. She's shown herself to be abusive.

In my experience, it's not worth pursuing 'what's rightly his' to start up with an abusive person.

Let's look at it from her POV for a moment. He just broke up with her before a wedding. She's hurt and furious.

Is it worth going after a few unimportant things to prove a point? She could decide to do something really nasty to you, and it will get very ugly.

She put your stuff on the lawn, and you got it back. Yes, it feels like if you go after her for some video tapes now, you are being too aggressive. (Trying to think about her POV)

That's what I keep telling myself. Thank the lord I got out when I did and I feel better for it and will feel stronger over time.

Seek legal advice or contact the police. They may be able to help you
And also, that way you will have documentation of her actions.

If it were me - I would let the DVDs n etc go n just cut any n all ties from her. When I left - I left almost everything behind. Most of the items I left behind, I never saw again. The point for me was to escape with my life and sanity. It was hard seeing some of those things go. Some of it still eats at me - like losing all my poetry. But, I set priorities and lived by those when I was in this kind of situation.

This is important. A friend recently ended a relationship with a controlling, absuive person. There were issues where he would interfere with her by using old joint insurance policies and accounts... she got calls for fees on an account he told her he closed. He somehow got information from her insurance company that she was in a car accident, found out where the car was taken, and was asking the repair place questions about her! When she found out, she was furious at the repair place but they were unapologetic, saying he claimed to be her significant other and his name was on an old policy. He wanted to know what rental car she was driving so he could look for it in town and know where she was. She would get text messages from him telling her he knew where she was.

So make sure all accounts are dissolved completely. You never know how it might come back on you.

I'm slowly managing to 'get over her' and with all of your replies and help and support I am trying to deal with it as best as I can.

However, something that keeps praying on my mind is something she said to me that I feel hurt by.

She said to me after we had a smallish argument and disagreement (yes the Narcissist is offended by 'criticism' aimed at them: "I'm sorry, but I need a man, a real man who knows how to cook, how to set an example to my (her) children."

Those words have emotionally scarred me and left me confused by what she meant.

Those .words were said just to hurt you. Nothing more. She was not "sorry". She was attacking you, to make you feel "less than", thereby keeping you under control.

Exactly!!!

I full understand now that that's what the whole point of her verbal attack against me was.

At the time it wasn't clear but now in hindsight I now see (with your help) that she was merely using that as a form of control.

It will take a lot of time, but if you look over it closely you will see where and she was being controlling and you will be able to heal. You can then look at yourself and find what parts of you are "needing" something and why - and strengthen them. Then it will be much harder for this to happen again. ❤

A little update guys:

Do you think it's possible for Narcissists (particularly female ones) to be prone to having rebound relationships fairly quickly after ending a relationship?

I ask as I've just heard from a friend that he spotted my exs profile on a dating site only one month since we split up.

She is needing someone to feed her supply and who she can 'prey' on as her next victim.

Looking back, I don't know why I put up with her **** for so long.

You are right, she is a true ***** and she won't ever change because Narcissists don't change and don't think they have a problem.

I feel that it's because she has made me feel dependant on her and because she always used to buy me lots of things (almost showering me for no apparent reason.)