[lenjan]

Tons of trigger potential here, beware, and thanks for having the courage to read, if you manage to.

I was sexually abused by my mother from roughly ages 3 to 13. Through about a decade of therapy and a lot of hard work, I like to think I largely have come to terms with it. And then stuff like this happens.

Part of my job is covering courts. All day yesterday and half of today, I had a sexual assault trial to cover. It got very graphic. I found myself cringeing through most of it and was reminded again that I have extreme difficulty hearing even the neutral, "technical" term for sexual organs. Don't even think of asking me to come out and say them myself -- I can come up with every workaround and euphemism in the book. For some reason, hearing these words which don't bother others makes me deeply ashamed, and even the thought of having to speak them myself I find unbearable.

I made it through testimony yesterday and closing arguments and the verdict this morning, went back to the office, threw up, wrote my story -- which was as vague as it was humanly possible to be; we don't get into ANY details of sexual assaults or identify victims beyond hometown -- threw up again, called my boss and asked if I could go home for the day. I went straight to bed and tried to sleep, which I have had problems with this week, but am still too busy throwing up to do so.

It repulses me to hear these things which should be a normal, natural part of life (not the assault, but at least the terms for "parts" that even 5-year-olds know these days). It repulses me even more to have to admit to myself that while it may have been a normal, physiological response to what was happening to me at the time, my body reacted in a way that makes me sick to even think about. I certainly can't say I enjoyed what my mom did to me, not consciously and not out loud -- but yet physically react I did, gross and disgusting as that is. It makes me feel incredibly dirty and incredibly ashamed.

Part of learning to cope with my relatively recently dx'd bipolar I is learning the impending signs of a manic episode. Up till about a year ago, I had never had a full-blown manic episode and was largely just depressive and perhaps hypomanic. But now, having had the "full experience," I'm on guard toward another one. My first clue is that I become hypersexual, which is hugely unusual for me. (Ordinarily, and perhaps not surprisingly, I couldn't care less about sex and never think about it or desire it.) I don't know if it can be blamed on what I"ve heard over the last days or not, but I find myself obsessing about it and even searching out things online that I would never not only not dream of ordinarily, but be horrified by.

I have no idea how to reconcile all of this in my head, and I'm disgusted with myself and alternately crying uncontrollably and throwing up.

I have no idea what I expect anybody to do about this for me, but thanks for reading, anyway, if you got this far. I hope this will end quickly, but I do wonder how, 30-odd years after my abuse ended, I can still be this appalled and so deeply affected by this stuff. Clearly I don't cope with it as well as I had thought.

Please help, if you can. It's too late to call T today and I'm feeling very alone.



Candy

[Perna]

Oh, Candy, don't be hurting yourself with disgust at yourself! Nothing we think or feel is worthy of disgust. How very difficult your job sounds with the sexual assault trial. Anyone you can talk to about it; a T or your PDoc?

[pachyderm]

oh (((((((((candybear))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you had to hear that and be triggered. I can only impagine how difficult that must be. Is there something you can do to keep yourself safe until you talk to your therapist.

I can relate allot. Sometimes I sorta change this part of a person that I feared I was. It feels like a monster sometimes.

Is there some way you can protect yourself from hearing these trials in the future?

Feel free to pm me.

[lenjan]

Like an idiot, I told my boss -- in generalities, for the most part, but he got the idea. He said we'd talk about it next time something came up and maybe could work it out where I wouldn't have to sit through the whole thing.

It is a good thing I was scheduled to be off today anyway -- I haven't been out of bed for more than 5 minutes yet.

Thanks, everybody, for reading and responding.

Candy