[ghostiic]

Trigger warning for sexual abuse. Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

I finally started seeing a therapist a few months ago and at first he was really helpful and understanding, but ever since I told him I was sexually abused as a child, he has started making me feel uncomfortable.

I fully expected it to be uncomfortable to deal with the abuse in therapy. I expected to get asked questions that made me feel weird and to have to put work in to start feeling better, but this is my first time seeing a therapist and I don’t know if it’s normal for him to want me to be so…explicit. He pushes for details that just seem unnecessary. Today he asked me if I was quiet while I was being abused or if my abuser ever had to keep me quiet and I just started to panic. Even typing about it now, I feel sick and afraid. I did not want to answer that question and looking back, I think that should have been obvious to a freaking therapist. I was fidgeting and squirming in my chair, my face was burning, I was on the verge of tears, but he kept pressing for an answer until I finally gave him one. That was near the end of the session. I don’t even really remember what he said or anything. I just left a few minutes later and cried for ten minutes in my car before going home.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I know it’s possible. But I think it’s weird that he would ask for details like that (is that a necessary detail? I feel like it’s not) and even weirder that he would keep insisting on an answer when I’m clearly uncomfortable/afraid. I’ve even told him outright that he’s making me uncomfortable and he usually stops the line of questioning. But then a few minutes later, he leads the conversation back so that I have to talk to him about it again. I usually don’t realize he’s done that until later when I look back on the session and it’s starting to creep me out.

Even if I overreacted about today, that was really one of the less explicit questions he has asked me. He has also asked me to describe the most painful incidents, to tell him what exactly was painful about it, to describe in detail the various sexual acts I was forced to do, etc. At first it seemed kind of normal for him to want to get a basic idea of what happened, so he could help, but I feel like it’s going overboard.

Sorry this is long. I guess I needed to vent a little. I’m not going back to him anymore, but I guess I want to know…is this normal? Should I expect my next therapist to ask these questions? They don’t seem normal. They definitely aren’t helping me cope. If anything my anxiety has gotten worse since I started seeing him. I don’t know what to do. I really wanted to get help, but I am dreading having to tell another person about the abuse. Especially if it’s going to be so detailed. I’m just feeling overwhelmed and hopeless, and a little stupid because I don’t know if I should have expected this.

[Luminar12010]

Its quite normal i think, they have to make sure its a genuine memory - people who arent telling the truth tend to not supply much details, so its their way of ensuring you are being truthful. It sounds cynical, and they dont do it to prove people are being dishonest, its a protection for you and for them to make sure they are helping you in the best way. Sadly people do lie to therapists, for many many reasons - but a therapist has to be sure at all times, otherwise a lot of damage can be done

[Amyjay]

No, I don't believe this is normal at all. It sounds like it is re-traumatizing you. My therapist doesn't ask me to tell her any details about it, and has said if and when we talk about the traumas we will go at a pace that is comfortable and bearable for me and i will always be in control of it. I don't think what your therapist is doing is normal or helpful AT ALL and it seems like it would be obvious to him that it is making you uncomfortable and you don't like it.

I would be very disturbed if my T kept pressing me. I am encouraged to share what I can or want & sometimes need to share. My T will only ever ask questions about the very thing I've just told him. He keeps reassuring me that I have the control & I am in charge. We go at my pace & when I have had enough, I tell him that it's enough & I don't want to talk anymore today about it. He respects my choice & usually tells me that he knows how hard it is for me. I would not cope with a T who was being too pushy & I would find that aggressive. I think we are all so different that a one size, fit all approach would not work. I think as you get to know your T, your T will learn how to respond with you & how best to support you. I hope you find a good T because a good T will be the best thing there is in the world to support you. Good luck.

[mimsies]

It is not normal at all. Really, it is rather disturbing that he would press like that. Your therapist is not supposed to re-traumatize you. Doingso can have really negative consequences for you.

My suggestion is to find a trauma specialist for your next therapist. Most likely one who experienced with EMDR, and DBT, and other coping skills.

Contrary to popular myths, reliving traumas in therapy isn't helpful or necessary, and therapists have no reason to try to decide if their client is being honest about traumas they are talking about or not.

[ghostiic]

Thank you all for replying. I kept convincing myself I was just being overly sensitive about everything. I feel so stupid for how I react to his questions, but they make me so uncomfortable and I just don't want to do it anymore. I honestly think a lot of my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation in the last few months has been due to him relentlessly forcing me to relive the abuse through every session. I just didn't connect the dots until last night for some reason.

I'll definitely try harder to find a better trauma therapist. It's just so hard to find one that I can afford that also has experience.

[Luminar12010]

A therapist cant take everything a client will say at face value - for a multitude of reasons, not always to deceive, but people can be unsure of memories and we automatically fill in the blanks - we do it subconciously. Sometimes a therapist has to test which are genuine or possibly filled in information. Its not that unusual. If in doubt then just ask why they are pushing for details, they will tell you why they think its important

[RedSun]

Ghostiic

I am a counsellor, therapist and a trainee trauma specialist. I work with people who have experienced sexual abuse and assault.
Some clients want to tell me details of their experience. For these clients, it is cathartic, maybe also breaking the bounds of keeping secrets, or needing their story to be heard. Some tell me over and over again.

Other clients do not go into detail at all. Some clients, all I know is 'some childhood Abuse' or 'I was attacked'. The details often do emerge, slowly, as we build up trust and a working alliance. As a client describes their experience, I might ask some details to make sure I am getting things right, and hearing their story. I would never ask for details of the abuse however, or ever push a client to talk about anything they are not comfortable or ready for.

As Mimsies says, reliving trauma is not helpful, and can be very damaging. In my opinion, there is so much potential in the therapy to replicate the original abusive relationship, with the client disempowered and traumatized. It is helpful for some clients to tell, or retell their trauma, but not in a way that it out of their control.

I don't need to know if my client is telling the truth. I choose to believe them. I am not a lawyer.

I hope you find a new therapist who can go at your pace, and respect your process.
Good luck xx

[slaubli1028]

I think that it should be up to the client to divulge as many details as they would like to, especially during the first sessions. It is very difficult for a client to tell some of their deepest secrets to someone they barely know! These memories are very painful, and some of the first steps to healing are to be able to face them. However, the more details a client tells their therapist, the more the therapist will be able to help them.

[Unrigged64072835]

Re-traumatizing someone who is not ready to divulge is not a good thing. You supply the details when you're ready to, not when he wants it. This is unnecessary and kind of cruel. I wouldn't go back to him.

[mimsies]

So, because I am how I am, I asked my therapist who is a trained trauma specialist about this. She was uncomfortable with the idea of pushing a client for details, and with the idea of trying to "test" the veracity of what a client tells her. She said she has a hard time believing that either action wouldn't negatively effect the therapeutic relationship, the client's ability to trust their therapist, and the client's well being.

I tend to trust her, but keep in mind I am biased. She keeps a Yoda, Chewbbaccaa, and C-3PO doll in her office as a visual for describing different "minds"- wise, emotion, and analytical. That level of nerdiness increases my tendency to trust dramatically.

When talking about traumatic experiences, Ts usually ask questions about feelings, not details. That's what seems off to me.

I felt a sense of creepiness when I read your post, and I think that may be why.

He may be inexperienced or poorly trained or have good intentions, who knows, but that's my gut feeling.

I hope you are able to find a therapist who is safe.

[Olive303]

This does not sound normal to me at all. It sounds like he is being pushy and creating more harm than good. Most importantly it sounds like it is damaging to you. Regardless of if it is helpful for other people, or normal to other people, it sounds like it is making you uncomfortable. What stuck out to me is that you stated that you tried talking to him about it and the situation did not change and you described him as "creepy".
You are entitled to a therapist that is a good fit for you and not all therapists will be. That's okay. Have you thought about changing therapists? are you in a position where you are able to do that?

[ghostiic]

Originally Posted by Olive303

This does not sound normal to me at all. It sounds like he is being pushy and creating more harm than good. Most importantly it sounds like it is damaging to you. Regardless of if it is helpful for other people, or normal to other people, it sounds like it is making you uncomfortable. What stuck out to me is that you stated that you tried talking to him about it and the situation did not change and you described him as "creepy".
You are entitled to a therapist that is a good fit for you and not all therapists will be. That's okay. Have you thought about changing therapists? are you in a position where you are able to do that?

I don't want to go back to him again, but I have no idea how I'm going to find another therapist.. I have a lot of social anxiety and not much money so it's just. difficult.