[starryprince]

Hey all. I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. Please don't judge me but I found out my last love interest who I got in a short relationship 3 years ago got in a relationship. And I don't know why it's still affecting me after 3 whole years. I thought I got over it. I was working on myself. Trying to find new people once I was stable enough. But I found out today that she got a new girlfriend and I'm just crying a lot.

I'm black and I have heard too many times, "I don't find black people attractive". When you hear that a lot, you internalize it and you become very cautious towards others who show interest in you because you don't want to be fetishized. And when we were together for that short amount of time, she never really "showed me off" like she's doing with this girlfriend. This white girlfriend. And it's just...when you're black and queer everything is so much harder. I've encountered people of color (POC) who were anti-black, a lot of POC actually. And this girl is a POC but I should have seen the signs that she didn't find black people attractive.

And it made me think about how I feel defective and how I have to work through my abuse and trauma and baggage before it even seems like I can find someone who mutually likes me...but other people just find others with their baggage.

I've been in therapy for 3 years. I'm doing the work. I'm trying so hard. And for some reason I just can't connect with people as much as I want to. There's always this barrier. I don't know what's wrong with me. If it's a diagnosis that I've yet to get (because after 3 years in therapy I still don't have a diagnosis...)

But with this girl, the barrier was weaker but I really tried...

And now I'm just wondering if love is possible after years of abuse of any kind. Because it really messes you up where trust is concerned.

I want to believe it's possible. I've always been a huge romantic. But I can't help being really afraid that I'll die alone. It's been a fear since I was a kid and now I'm wondering if it'll be true.

I get so unstable that sometimes I wonder if I'll make it far in life, and I wonder if I would be like this if I wasn't abused. If I wasn't abused, would I have gone out on dates and have fun and all of that stuff? I don't know.

But I am hurting a lot.

Thanks for reading.

I can understand that feeling of wanting to put trust in someone, but being too afraid

I am also black and have found it hard to understand where certain people don't find black people attractive, it makes me wonder because not all black people look alike, so how would they know that they don't find black people attractive if they haven't seen every single black person?

I believe when it comes to dying alone that we all die alone, there isn't any chaperones in death, it is a comforting thought for me that everyone dies alone, but I don't know if it is for you, but I am just giving you my two cents

I don't really have the words that might be what you want to hear right now, but I believe it's best to keep working on you and the more you learn to live with yourself as you are the more you will find it easier to love and trust someone else

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Kori Anders

I can understand that feeling of wanting to put trust in someone, but being too afraid

I am also black and have found it hard to understand where certain people don't find black people attractive, it makes me wonder because not all black people look alike, so how would they know that they don't find black people attractive if they haven't seen every single black person?

I believe when it comes to dying alone that we all die alone, there isn't any chaperones in death, it is a comforting thought for me that everyone dies alone, but I don't know if it is for you, but I am just giving you my two cents

I don't really have the words that might be what you want to hear right now, but I believe it's best to keep working on you and the more you learn to live with yourself as you are the more you will find it easier to love and trust someone else

Thanks a lot for responding. I feel like a lot of people didn't respond for the race factor in the post, so it's nice to see another black person say they've had similar experiences.

I agree with what you said about not finding black people attractive. It's just racism, straight up. You can't find an entire race unattractive. That's just not possible. You'd have to travel the WHOLE world and see every single person from that race to come to that conclusion. It's racism/anti-blackness, and I'm really tired of dealing with it.

What you said about dying alone is something I can get why you'd believe. I believe everyone dies alone physically unless someone dies along with you, but not emotionally or spiritually. I think they'll always be someone there in spirit that's with you in your final moments.

And you're right. I feel like I've been working on myself for a while. Meanwhile there are people who don't work on themselves and can get anyone they want. So it's like...I'm putting in the actual effort and work but not getting much back, especially now. There's a lot of things going on (or not going on) in my life that's just weighing me down. =/

Thanks a lot for responding. I appreciate it a lot.

[ACrystalGem]

I can totally identify with this. I'm black & live in the UK where things feel really rough for LGBT+ fat and black folks. I also used to identify as Polyamorous too, but recently stopped. I wrote about it here:
That Loving Feeling is Gone Racist white folks... | Blogging in Shadows

I just want to say that we aren't the problem - Colonialism, Racism & Heteronormitivity is ingrained in many people, so the closer your proximity to whiteness, straightness & body ideals, the better off you are, even when it comes to love. I'm just sorry that people treat us this way, like we're less deserving of love or affection. I ran away from my violent abusive family decades ago, and I'm still having problems forging friendships/relationships with others, but I know that I have a lot of love & acceptance to give.

[eyesclosed]

I have empathy for you I don't trust woman in relationships two bad marriages 24 yrs and like you I'm alone all that time wasted. I'm a white man and had some nice black lady friends. I was actually really attracted too one when I was single but she was in a relationship. My first wife was a ca jun.