This could be it...

I'm living with a man who is emotionally and financially abusive. In the past he has hurt me physically but hasn't for quite some time.
I have been dying to get away from him for a while now, but we have always fallen back into our routine due to financial issues and me and my children not having anywhere else to go and not wanting to spend months in different shelters.

I'm finally working, being financially independent and he's sucking me dry. Won't pay bills or rent, but spends all of his money on hobbies or food and let's me take the responsibility.
After him getting drunk and out of control 2 weeks ago, I ended up having to call the police. They came but I was so distraught and scared that I didn't say anything about the abuse.

Now, I received a voicemail from victim services and realize this could be my way out. They want to hear from me to check up on how I'm doing.
Why am I so scared to make the call? I'm worried that if I do and tell her the situation that he will be arrested and charged.

I know I need to be away from this man... he is ruining my life and making me so unhappy.. I'm just afraid of all the things that will come after him leaving.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, I just need to get this off my chest.
I know it's wrong what he's doing to me, but I also worry that it's wrong of me to leave

I would reach out to her. She should be able to help you plan your exit. It's very hard to get out of an abusive relationship and people who haven't experienced don't have a clue.

It's not wrong for you to leave. He has a responsibilty to help support his children and he is an unfit father. If you stay with him, your children will see his example and one of them may grow up to treat you the same way he does. I hope you make the call.....

I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse; it was the scariest, hardest thing I ever did. Get all of the support (make the call) that yu can and make a plan to leave. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

Thank You for the replies. It helps to know I can reach out here if nothing else.

I often wonder if I am in an abusive relationship. He tends to talk me out of my feelings so well that I often don't even know how I'm feeling or lose that sense of urgency to leave after we speak.

For example, I left earlier this year, he was distraught and made so many promises to change. Since then, he hasn't been outright nasty to me like he used to be. He just acts like I'm a ghost recently. He doesn't speak to me, or ask me my opinions or how I am. He just goes about life almost pretending I'm not there. When I tell him how I feel, he walks away and states he refuses to argue with me, when in fact I just want to explain how unhappy I am in this situation.

It leaves me feeling confused, like maybe I'm overreacting and the only reason he used to be nasty towards me is because we were in a stressful situation.

Basically, I wonder if we are just in a bad relationship and not an abusive one. If that makes any sense...

For example. He started a job being paid under the table after I told him that I was tired of paying everything by myself and him refusing to even take care of the kids while I was at work so I had to pay out for daycare on top of everything else. I asked for money towards bills and the kids clothes and food... and he gave me 30 bucks. Told me that's all he got. 3 days later he took one of our children fishing and camping and I find out from my sister that he had spent all of our money on a boat.
When he got back, I told him how upset I was that he had spent all of the money when our electricity desperately needed to be paid. He said that if I got upset he would call the police on me because he was sick of looking like the bad guy.
Not wanting to argue in front of the kids, I had to drop it and get on with life.

It's constant things like This, lying, spending all our money, not working, not wanting to look after the kids, not wanting to do anything that is inconvenient to him.

Because he's not hitting me anymore or doing anything 'illegal' ... is it even okay for me to call victim services? I feel like a fake..

Insist that he pay for half the rent and electricity. If he says he can't then he could sell the boat to come up with the money. Boating is great if you can afford it but it is a luxury, not a necessity. He may be more of a user than an abuser. If he knows you will leave if he abuses you then he stops so he was just doing whatever worked to get his way.......

Hi Zedsdead

I am sorry for everything you've been put through since you went back to him, and I know you went through a lot with him before you left last time

But it is really good that you are considering reaching out again and considering making that call (if you haven't already)

Even if he hasn't hit you, even if he hasn't been outright "nasty to you" (apart from the financial abuse) he has been emotionally/mentally abusive to you, and that should never be under-rated. As you know, I'd say that you deserve to be treated so much better than that, you deserve to be respected, to be valued, to have your feelings validated, to feel that you're cared about.

And you know that this is more than "just" a bad relationship deep down, right?!!
I know it can be real hard or horrible to face a situation as being abusive but you have kind of acknowledged it in being too scared to say anything to the police about the abuse and in being scared of the things to come if you did report it amongst other things..........

So please make that call, if you haven't already, and at least listen to what they have to say?

Alison

Hi Zedsdead

It may be difficult to make that call, and the plan, the way out, and the adventure you take along the way may not be easy.

But it will be worth it to get away.

No one deserves to be treated the way you are. You have someone willing to help, someone making sure you are ok. You have already realized it may be your way.

Please, make that call.

Hey there, thank you for all the responses. I haven't made the call yet I feel so torn about it constantly!!! 2 days ago when they tried to call, my husband questioned who it was and answered the phone angrily and they haven't called back since.

I'm going to try call when he is not around and talk to them about my options.

If asked that he help pay the bills this month and he promised to pay as much as 80% of them. Of course, he didn't work much this week and didn't receive a paycheck so I was left spending all of my paycheck on them and didn't have enough to buy the things I really needed such as work shoes or much food.. I asked that he sell the boat to make up for it and he was adamant that we needed it. So frustrating.

I had the cops evict my ex-fiance out of my house (yes I owned it) because he had firearms and could be dangerous. He tried to charm them but it didn't work.

He also spent all his money and left me to pay all the bills, especially his motorcycle and muscle car. It took me a couple of months in therapy before I could make a decision.

I still own the house and since then have married someone who really loves me and doesn't think I'm cheating on him all the time (I wasn't) and drinks to oblivion while harassing me and my daughter.

Hi Zedsdead

You know that this is a guy who far from has his families or your best interests at heart.........your children and you could be better off, minimally emotionally much better off without him, right??
Please try to make that call, whereas maybe they can help you explore your options..........and the best options for you and your children.



Alison