[eclairparty98]

This isn't something I can talk to my therapist about but I need to vent somewhere.

My earliest memories are of me being introduced to sex. Adults in the house would do it in font of me on the couch, in the kitchen, leave the doors open for me to walk in so that they could laugh at my reaction. Analysing it now, I think it was a turn on for them to be caught or something, you know how some people like to do it in public because of that 'risk factor' of being caught. Well, as a child, I was so confused as to what I was seeing until I fully learnt in sex ed what it actually was. I'd get so mad -- I'd throw things, slam doors and scream but they'd find it absolutely hilarious. Around this time, I was introduced to masturbation by myself having discovered that it felt 'different' to deliberately touch that part of me because of what I saw.

Anyway, there was only one thing that would arouse me growing up that these adults would do in front of me and it followed me through my teens and now into my early adulthood. It's the ONLY thing that arouses me, which I thought I was okay with but upon further investigation it stems from what happened back then and although it instantly arouses me I feel so repulsed just because of the origins of my ''fetish''.

I feel so angry at these people for ruining my sex life and relationships however we're okay now. They don't do it in front of me anymore but the memories are like yesterday.

If I ever masturbate -- which I'm gradually reducing -- it's only when I use the toilet. I'll be going about my day at home when something reminds me of this ''fetish'' which subconsciously triggers these disgusting memories. It creates this horrible gut feeling in my bowels that feels like I.B.S (which I'm familiar with due to stress). When I'm aroused, I feel light headed, get wobbly legs and experience irritable bowels.

I think this is because I'd react with so much anger and rage as a child to what I was seeing, which caused my stress induced I.B.S as a teenager.

But this is what makes it difficult. I don't think they fully understand how traumatic it was yet we continue our dynamic like everything is okay -- which it is, except for my memories of back then. Had this all been introduced to me later on by people who aren't so close to me, I'd not have this problem at all.

I worry any possible future intimacy with a partner is ruined because during my first kiss, I very nearly passed out; not because of how good it was but the sickness I felt. I was so light headed I contemplated in my head whether it was wise to follow through with what was happening in case I went into shock.

I feel so robbed of so many things at the hands of people I love and worship. It's hard to express how I feel to them because of how close we are and how we're okay now.

[dlantern]

It does get better and is perfectly normal the disgust...Be sure to take care of your body then also help someone have you normalize it. It isn't your fault.

[Shazerac]

It sounds like you had a very traumatic childhood. Are you able to see a therapist and get some help?

[eclairparty98]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

It sounds like you had a very traumatic childhood. Are you able to see a therapist and get some help?

Hi, Shazerac - I have one at the moment, she's great. But having posted this I already feel bad and I can only imagine how I'd feel talking extensively with a therapist. What happened was wrong, I'm still mad at what happened but I've gradually forgiving the people involved. We're on okay terms, they've done a lot for me. I'm not denying anything as I know denial is seen in some people but it's not like I hate them. I'd just feel so guilty talking about them like that. I know today they mean well but back then it was a completely different matter. We've all accepted the past is the past when it comes to us and I'm okay with that it's just disgusting that they're the reason I'm aroused by my fetish. That's what makes me so angry. I hate it because I love them so much.

Honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin opening up with my therapist. Typing is one thing, talking is extremely difficult when it comes to matters like this one. On top of things, we're working on my sleep deprivation, agoraphobia and depression.

My only concern is that I worry I'll never be able to be intimate with a partner without thinking of them. That's my only issue.

[RubyRae]

. Honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin opening up with my therapist. Typing is one thing, talking is extremely difficult when it comes to matters like this one

Have you considered typing it all out and giving it to your T to read?You could always leave it with her at the end of a session and ask her to read it.It's easier to talk about things sometimes when the T brings it up first,and she probably would during your next session.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.I cringed when I read your post,I could relate to it in some ways.