[Hollowed_Harlequin]

My eighteen year old son has been working on me for a few months now, pointing out abusive things my husband does to me and trying to change the way I interpret my entire marital dynamic. He has been saying that before he graduates high school and heads off to college, either I will stand up my husband or he will do it for me. Well, my husband has been gone, working, for over a month now. My son and I figured it would take him a week to throw a tantrum over this or that. We were wrong.

I was sick yesterday and so he chose to flip out over the condition of the house. He, like usual, did not wait for me to be fully awake but started into me while I was still dim-witted and groggy. He was interrogating me. Did so and so do the vacuuming or did you do it for them? Has the cat been doing such and such the whole time I was gone? Etc., etc. I told him I felt interrogated and he blew up in anger, yelling, cussing, and complaining - "well that's because ... If you would have / wouldn't have ..."

It simmered down after a bit but picked back up after my daughter got home. She is hypersensitive to him and freaks out that he is mad and yelling even when he handles things well. I tried to explain to him that she is responding to the enviroment she is most accustomed to and that he need to model better behavior for her to learn. I should have known better than to say such a thing. That triggered a huge fiasco. I did stand up for myself but I also layed down everything that he was guilty of in my eyes. I defended accusations against me as well while he said that I was guilty of everything he has ever done, and then some. He even went so far as to say that our children are afraid of my violent outbursts. If it hadn't been for my son, I would have believed that I was the one always at fault and emotionally unstable. My son also later countered all his accusations against me and said it was just my husbands way of punishing me for talking back.

Anyway, he did not speak to me for the rest of the night; nor has he spoken to me all day long. I really hate the silent treatment. My mother used to do that and he knows it. It has left me with butterflies in my stomach (as well as some nausia). Not only is he not speaking to me, he isn't looking at me either. Its like I've suddenly become invisible but, my being a ghost in the house has left me to observe him without me as the excuse for his actions. I decided. I'm throwing him out after the holidays and I have two grown sons that will have my back.

My problem is in fighting myself now. I am so consumed by him that I crave every morsel of approval and every hug I can steal. I really think I have stockholms syndrom.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your struggle. Perhaps this isn't needed in your situation. But I wondered if you are familiar with the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 (800) 799-7233.

Here's a link to their website:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline

Also here are links to a couple of articles from the PsychCentral archives that may be of interest:

https://psychcentral.com/resources/A...stic_Violence/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...relationships/

I'm sorry you are caught in this most difficult situation. I wish you well as you move toward what hopefully will be a new happier, healthier life.

[starfruit504]

Something sticks out to me about your post. This statement:

"I really hate the silent treatment. My mother used to do that and he knows it."

Often the relationships we find ourselves in during adulthood mimic the earliest relationships we had as children. I imagine, personality-wise, your husband has a lot in common with your mother. I imagine she helped shaped you into a woman who can take a lot of negativity and still cherish the smallest "morsel" of positivity at the end of the day. She probably helped you become a woman who can walk around on eggshells every day trying not to disturb the beast that is your husband, a woman who may continue to live this way if her kids weren't pushing her to get this rough brute out of their lives for good. They want you to break the cycle.

I'm also assuming that your husband is not the father of these kids. That gives them some distance and perspective. Kids who see their father treat their mother this was for their whole lives are less likely to stand up to him.

Your children love you -- you're obviously a very good and cherished mother. Stay with that. Focus on that. You have an abundance of unconditional love from these kids. You need that to fill up your tank now -- not a pittance of approval from some guy who appears to have no respect for you whatsoever.

It's going to be difficult throwing him out of your life, but you have to remember that on the other side of this situation you gain your family. They get to have their happy mother back in their lives. That's all they want.

Stay safe - the national domestic violence hotline is an incredible resource.

“Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions.”

― Hafiz

[Open Eyes]

^^^^^^^^^^