Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

True enough. It's my own level of dysfunction too.

I guess it is really how they say, you first must come to terms with yourself because you can't really hide what's going on inside of you. Even if it is by only ever so small hints. And as a politician recently said "You have to be willing to leave the table and walk. If you aren't willing to walk, you will lose for sure".

Oh and one more thing: do you actually "see" nice and honest men? Even if they are just average?

Average never attracts me -- nice and honest does, but so does attractive and an appealing, outgoing personality.

By "average" I mean average looks, average income, average car, those kind of things.

I don't mind average, except for perhaps in looks. I usually go for the very cute and good looking men.

There is something about these toxic people that is very attractive in the beginning. That outgoing guy is really that narc. Right?

Typically, yes. Then I figure it out later or it reveals itself more later on. But usually, I have gone for guys who show an interest in ME. They have approached me in some way, so I end up with them.

We are here to help and support each other and I really don't want to give you a hard time, but ... haven't you answered your original question yourself?

No I have not really answered my own question. All I know is that I need better boundaries, I need to learn and watch out for red flags, I need to not go for a guy just because he shows interest in me, and I need to learn how to be alone even when life is very difficult and challenging.

What’s wrong with being single and going out with a guy who is interested in you and you find attractive, even if you then see red flags and break it off? That’s what dating is.

Very true! That is dating afterall.

Well, I think that pretty much answers the question. My 2 cents ...

Well, I think I am involved with a narc and cannot seem to fully end it. That's probably for another forum.

I’m confused. I thought you ended the bf who lived with you and the new one who told you he cheated on his ex.

Yes, I ended things with the one I lived with. I also ended things with the one who told me he cheated, but we cannot seem to stay away from each other right now. He showed up where I was Sat night, waited for me and told me he wants to keep seeing me. I am very confused and cannot seem to end things properly. I am a mess. :/ He told me he loves me. I feel I might love him too. I am proceeding with extreme caution right now & very tentatively.

“I really like you but you let me know who you are, an unfaithful cheater. That makes you unacceptable for being in a relationship with me. I’m sorry. I have too much self respect to set myself up for you to do that same crap to me. “

Yes, this is what I should say. I am weak! I am pathetic. WHY can't I just walk away? I am lonely and am in a very bad position in life. However, I have told him that he needs to get professional help for me to even consider being with him on a more serious level. I DO have some amount of self respect and I know I cannot just walk blindly into this withoutputting a foot down. Maybe I just need to walk away and say C'est la vie. He's not right for me. Again, I am soooooo weak!!! Him showing up on Sat made me weaken...... ARGH! I feel soooo pathetic.

Hey Golden Eve, I was in situations like this with men in my past. There is one in particular that stands out to me, because the words you are using, (that you can't seem to pull away even though you know he's bad news and you want to pull away) remind me of what happened for me. I was very vulnerable. It was at my job. I was incredibly stuck and bored and felt badly about myself. I was also starved sexually and emotionally. I got involved with this guy and I KNEW he was bad news. Red flags. Etc. And the red flags and my intuition were right. I got so burned. That being said, we DO have needs. If you want to get rid of this guy, I don't have an answer for you. All I know is that red flags never lead to good or healthy places. It took me a LOT of hard work to pull myself out of the unhealthy cycle of dating assholes. But I did, after a few years. Now, I'm not dating at all, and I personally love it. I know its not for everyone. But I love it right now. I like what Tisha Buv said too. You can always date, and then when you see red flags, say bye bye. I feel like this guy sounds like he's messing with you because you told him you couldn't, and then he shows up at your work and says he loves you. Is that right? And who doesn't want to hear that??????? Thats a great feeling. Has he stopped the dating of other people?

Hey starry, thanks for this! Thank you for sharing your story... it helps me to not feel so pathetic. I am in such a bad place right now! I assume he is still on the dating site, though I haven't asked. Thing is, he was going to go to a concert this Friday by himself, so that means he had no date! I asked who he was going with a & mentioned that I was thinking of going, so he asked me to go with him -- and I said yes!

I hope this sorts itself out somehow. I am not going to allow myself to get burned.. at least I want to avoid it. I won't sleep with him. I'll just go to the concert with him.

I am glad you are happy single! I wish I could feel that way. But I don't really!

I would be curious to hear his story of how and why he cheated. Plus, this guy right from the start kept hitting on other women on the website once he started sleeping with you. And he made a point of telling you women were “too tempting and easy”.

If you were a tougher broad, you could still casually date this cad and string him along just as he will do you. But you are very vulnerable.

You, I, and the wall all know you need to blow this guy off. No concert. Don’t go. Just tell him something came up and get out of it. You are making a bad choice.

Besides, you asked him out not he you. “I’m going to the concert too!” Really. No no gf!!!

Hmmm.... I didn't say I'm going to the concert too though. I said I had been considering going myself, then he invited me along with him. He was going alone.

I think I am just too weak to fight this right now. It's probably a bad decision. I won't sleep with him.

Two words: chastity belt

Ha! YES!!!!!!!

I have been in a position like this like starrysky said. Vulnerability leads to so many bad decisions when it comes to relationships for both men and women. I know what it's like to be so lonely that you will put up with whatever crap someone might be carrying, how uneasy they make you feel about them, or the tons of red flags staring at you in the face.

Look, like TishaBuv said, and everyone has told you a thousand times that this guy is bad news, you have to ask yourself if the cost of so much more suffering down the line is worth it. You are sensitive, kind and emotional, which are such wonderful traits, but can be used to hurt you.

He showed up at your job to tell you he loves you. That's like a sledgehammer to the heart for anyone who is trying to get over someone, because like starrysky said, who doesn't want to hear that?

I know what you are feeling, and I think you know in your heart that going to this concert with him is probably a bad idea. But, we can't talk you out of it, we can only sit on the sidelines and watch. I am glad you said you won't sleep with him, and I really hope you don't. Just arm yourself with whatever strength you have, but no matter what, try to remember that he is not the ONLY man out there. I don't have to tell you that you are worth more than that, because everyone has said that already. IF it is at ALL possible to sit and slow down for a minute, and think hard about this situation before Saturday, I hope and pray that you will gain a little bit of clarity.

No matter what though, we are all here for you.