Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

I keep referring to my own story because that's all I really know for sure. I can't speak with authority on somebody else's story. I can only say what happened to me that is similar, and what I learned from it, and hope others can learn without too much of the same thing happening to them.

I had a relationship similar to what's described here, years ago. I was young and inexperienced. I thought he loved me. He said he loved me. We lived together for a few short months. Even after he ended the relationship and threw me out of his house, every once in a while he'd want to "spend the evening" with me, to put it politely.

And I would think, oh, he does still love me. He's thinking of me. Maybe there's a chance after all.

He wasn't thinking of me. He was thinking of what he could get from me. He wasn't sure he could get it from other sources, but when he wanted it, he knew he could count on me.

You know what used to happen many times in that relationship? This pattern right here:

Me: *says something, or asks a question*
Him: *no response*
Me: *thinks he didn't hear me; says or asks it again*
Him: Shut the (obscenity) up! I heard you the first time.

And there the conversation ends. He says he heard me, but he still gives me no real response. He's demonstrating to me that I'm so unimportant, what I have to say isn't even worth acknowledging.

This is not treating me with respect.

And if he doesn't respect me, how can he possibly love me?

When he came over wanting to "spend the evening" with me, it wasn't love. It was "I'm going to go get me some...." Well, you know.

Now see, if a guy had said to me: "Shut the (obscenity) up! I heard you the first time." I would walk away from the relationship....

My ex stealing from me I could never confirm fully. I don't know for sure if he did, I am just pretty certain he did and lied to me about it. There were a lot of lies I couldn't exactly prove.

And this last guy..... I see his last act as a sexual type of gesture, which may say something all by itself. But let's say I were just having casual sex with him, would his gesture be acceptable then? I believe so. Maybe he's trying to say he just wants casual sex with me and would be happy with that.

This gesture is not classy regardless what he wants with you. Rude. It’s the same as sending pics of his own privates. Trashy. You don’t send pictures of privates to a lady

Yes he maybe wants casual unexusive sex, that’s what he wanted from the beginning but it is not what you want and you told him that many times. For him to continue this is disrespectful to your needs, he pretty much says he doesn’t care what you want, he still thinks of you (possibly all other women) as what’s between your legs. He is being offensive. Its not that easy to score casual sex as people get older (unless hire an escort) as women usually want more in life (by certain age). He maybe hopes he can still score some more from you if he keeps sending you crap. Who really cares what he wants. You are devoting so much energy on figuring out why he does what he does.

You’ll never have an answer. It might be better start working on projecting image of a woman who deserves more and wants more, a woman whom men don’t send the kind of stuff. We can’t control what others do, only what we do. Hanging on to this guy just doesn’t serve any purpose but messes with your mind and soul

There’s a fine line between getting your own needs met in a relationship with another person and putting up with their faults, which includes mistreatment of you in order to get their own needs met.

My take is he sent the photo in order to flirt in hopes you’ll just give in to a friends with benefits relationship, which is what HE wants. But you won’t. No dice.

I also think it’s funny how us women will analyze the actions of men like we are doing here, and men really don’t do this AT ALL, lol.

There’s a fine line between getting your own needs met in a relationship with another person and putting up with their faults, which includes mistreatment of you in order to get their own needs met.

My take is he sent the photo in order to flirt in hopes you’ll just give in to a friends with benefits relationship, which is what HE wants. But you won’t. No dice.

I also think it’s funny how us women will analyze the actions of men like we are doing here, and men really don’t do this AT ALL, lol.

You are worth what you think you are worth! You go girl!

It all depends where you are in life and what you want. If you truly want to stop these short encounters with no future and finally meet Mr. Right and finally have a commited long or hopefully life long relationship/marriage something needs to change: particularly entangling yourself with men and situations that contradict with what you want. Hoping that this guy will change into Mr. Right or accepting unacceptable behaviors from men just isn’t part of that change.

Now if you want to continue this same pattern for more years or forever, then nothing needs to change. So then it’s fine to just continue. It all depends what you want and then align your words with your actions and behaviors. There is never a guarantee that you’ll meet the right person but at least you know you did something to change the pattern. Especially since you asked why you attract these men and what can you do to change it.

Well, I don't want to continue the pattern. I do want a lifelong partner.... I do get entangled with the wrong men..... something DOES need to change, and it has to start with me and how I approach things.

I went on a date with someone new last night and while I tried to remain open minded, I kept thinking of my last guy and of how much he and I have in common and how much we clicked right off the bat. And this new date from last night, I felt we are too different and the chemistry was all off. Plus he talked too much about himself, which was a turn off. I cut the date short saying I was tired. He wants to see me again, but I think I will say no when he contacts me next.

Ok, so you are not interested in a man who talks about himself, you prefer a guy that just wants to have fun and is sexual and gives "you" the attention. Often that is the game narcissists play where they want to love bomb and play and get sexual which is what you liked about this other guy and yet you don't understand why he is missing something that you want and can't go deeper with you? It sounds to me that you are actually attracted to narcissists, yet you say they target you.

Ok, so you are not interested in a man who talks about himself, you prefer a guy that just wants to have fun and is sexual and gives "you" the attention. Often that is the game narcissists play where they want to love bomb and play and get sexual which is what you liked about this other guy and yet you don't understand why he is missing something that you want and can't go deeper with you? It sounds to me that you are actually attracted to narcissists, yet you say they target you.

How can I be attracted to narcissists when I was turned off by most recent guy looking in the mirror at himself & when I am turned off by someone talking too much about themselves? And I do not prefer a guy who just wants to have fun, play and be sexual with me. When did I ever say this? I kind of fell for the last guy I was with because of all of our commonalities, though he could very well be a narcissist, I am not sure.

My father is/was somewhat narcissistic. So yes, somehow I have attracted these types and somehow I have gotten involved with these types. But I always leave once I recognize the behavior.

I think you are attracted to them as you keep getting on With them. But you don’t want to be with them so you end it. I wouldn’t deny attraction though.

That is desirable when it comes to a person who needs to be the center of attention and can pull you into an unhealthy relationship.

I wasn't trying to be critical of you before. I just noticed something in what you have shared and pointed it out. Also, you tend to be attracted to charismatic individuals and you have to be careful about that in that often the charisma itself is a red flag where the individual may be a narcissist.

One of the things all the individuals who attract a lot of people into some kind of cult is that these individuals tend to be very charismatic. A lot of politicians have strong narcissistic traits for example.

A recent example where a lot of people were shocked, people who trusted this person and could not imagine the side this person kept hidden was Matt Lauer. I am pointing this individual out because there were individuals who were completely shocked and did not see this dysfunctional side of him but enjoyed his charisma and outgoing positive personality. So, it's important to understand that it isn't just you that can make a mistake in this area.

Most certainly there are nice men out there. I think and see that people can be social yet not narssistic. I am a very social person myself and enjoy other social people yet not all of them are self absorbed or full of themselves. There are some self absorbed narcissists who are not social because they think everyone is beneath them. And abusers come in all shape and forms. People reveal themselves and their true nature and the nature of a relationship is very obvious early on. Usually people are not paying attention or are in denial. Most unsuccessful relationships could end before they even started if people only paid attention

I don’t think labels are important. It’s important to pay attention and be honest with yourself. Don’t find excuses.

Well, charismatic individuals do tend to attract attention. If it's a male, they will begin to notice how they draw female attention and that can make it harder to stay loyal in a committed relationship and these individuals can grow to believe they are special and can get a high off of the attention.

Most certainly there are nice men out there. I think and see that people can be social yet not narssistic. I am a very social person myself and enjoy other social people yet not all of them are self absorbed or full of themselves. There are some self absorbed narcissists who are not social because they think everyone is beneath them. And abusers come in all shape and forms. People reveal themselves and their true nature and the nature of a relationship is very obvious early on. Usually people are not paying attention or are in denial. Most unsuccessful relationships could end before they even started if people only paid attention

I don’t think labels are important. It’s important to pay attention and be honest with yourself. Don’t find excuses.

I agree with this and especially the part that people could end most unsuccessful relationships before they really got going. I absorbed a lot of crap from the popular culture about how 'true love' could solve all problems, without even knowing enough about love to recognize it in the other party and in myself. Instead I found excuses. I think a lot of the times when people think they are involved with narcissists they are often uncomfortably narcissistic themselves and that is the hook that the other person uses to lure them in despite obvious warning signs. In the end we have the choice to engage in healthy or unhealthy relationships and whenever someone is choosing unhealthy then a good question is why. Often times the answer is soemthing to the effect of how much the person has 'fallen in love' with the other, but having been through the ringer more than once by getting into unhealthy relationships now I realize my own part in staying in abusive relationships of one form or the other.