Is pouting emotional abuse?

I asked about the silent treatment, but I think a better word for it is pouting, especially because this is the word my boyfriend uses to describe his own behaviour.

It's pretty simple. I say something that he misinterprets. His mood changes. He withdraws. Previously, he didn't tell me he felt hurt. He just withdrew and I had no idea he was hurt. He would stop communicating with me or communicate very little and I felt hurt by this because I felt punished. Now, since I talked to him about it and told him that I felt blindsided if he didn't tell me what was going on, he's started to tell me he's hurt.

Last night I said something that he completely misunderstood. He told me he felt hurt by what I said almost immediately after I said it. I explained that, no, that's not at all what I meant and I explained what I actually meant. He said ok and I thought it was cleared up.

This morning he was very distant. I offered to make him breakfast and he said he would do it himself - my first clue something was wrong. I approached him - and I do really appreciate the way he responded. He told me clearly that I said something last night that really hurt him. I told him again that I didn't say what he heard. He said I felt unsafe to him (because I hurt him).

The scary part - and this has happened several times - is that he actually repeats words back to me that I didn't say. It's not just that he misunderstood the way I phrased it. He actually hears words that didn't come out of my mouth. I am 100% sure I didn't say what he heard me say.

I put my hand on my heart, faced him and very, very gently told him that I love him, I didn't say what he heard me say, I'm still the same person and I'm safe - I'm not his enemy. I said I wanted to console him and be there for him. I asked him to please not shut me out. I rubbed his back and snuggled up to him. He softened every so slightly.

Then, he was about to leave the house and it seemed as though he wasn't going to hug me goodbye. Then he half reached out for a hug and I sighed and expressed relief that he was finally not shutting me out. He blurted out, "You said XYZ!!". The very thing I had already told him at least 5 times that I did not say.

I was at a loss. I told him I was at a loss. I said, "You have two choices right now. 1) insist that I said something and react to something that is completely invented or 2) hear me that I didn't say what you heard."

He said, "It's all about you!"

I'm not writing this out perfectly with each thing that was said, but I'm hoping this is enough to get the gist across.

After he left the house, I thought about it and asked myself what I would want if I felt hurt. I would want him to reach out and reassure me. So, I texted him,

His response:

Discuss is a very clear word to me that indicates he's still distant and cold.

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Is this a form of emotional abuse?

Personally, the way I see it is he has very poor communication skills. He's extremely sensitive and I think he still has unresolved trauma. That's how it looks to me. I also think that people are probably going to tell me that I'm making excuses for him.

I don't know how to work with him. I want him to know I love him and I have a certain amount of patience for what he is experiencing. I also will not be manipulated by someone who can't clearly communicate and who doesn't hear me when I tell him what's actually true for me.

It is hard to respond to this without having seen your interaction in person. But from what you have written, he sounds emotionally immature, and incredibly sensitive. I would not be able to put up with that kind of behaviour myself, as it would feel like dealing with a child and not a partner.

That being said, we are only seeing your perspective. I would not call his behaviour abusive per se, but there is definitely some miscommunication going on between you two. Have you considered couples counselling?

Yes, I am waiting for a callback for counselling. He's willing to try it, but isn't enthusiastic.

I am willing to patiently work through communication issues, high sensitivity, and even trauma.

I am at a complete loss, however, with someone who continues to insist I said something I am 100% sure I did not say. This has happened many times. He hears something drastically different than what I said and he continues to believe what he thinks he heard, even when I explain it. Even when my explanation, to me, is totally rational.

What do you do? It just doesn't seem workable. You end up with a stalemate and resentment for something that never even happened.

Emzara,how long have you been in this relationship with this guy?

It sounds like he has alot of emotional baggage and issues that he's brought into the relationship that he should be seeking therapy for.

I felt bad for you when I read your post because it sounds like you are obviously trying and obviously spending a good amount of time trying to appease him,understand him and figure him out.And I'm afraid things will always be that way for you if and until he gets help for his issues.

Thanks, RubyRae. I come with my fair share of baggage, too, to be fair. I have had meltdowns because of past trauma and abuse. The big distinction is once he reassures me, I'm fine. I don't insist and insist on being upset with him for hours or days.

Basically, his withdrawing triggers me. Lately, I have been handling it fine and not getting triggered. I don't get upset the same way. I stay calm, I communicate using communication tools I learned called Non-Violent Communication (NVC).

This is a pretty new relationship. He said that he didn't used to get hurt so much in previous relationships (he hasn't had that many). He said that he loves me so much that he gets hurt a lot and in previous relationships he didn't care as much. I'm not sure what to think about that.

But his way, he wins. Your way, you win. You would like to think that, your way, you both win, but he doesnt see it that way.

So to answer your question, yes - pouting is emotional abuse. I know we are only getting one side of the story here, but if he is stonewalling like trump is stonewalling, then i would get out. I DID get out. Its get out, or accept this crazy persons definition of reality - your choice!

Stonewalling. That's the word for it!

I'm not sure what you mean by his way he wins, my way I win. I'm trying to genuinely hear how he feels, validate his experience, have empathy for him, reassure him, etc. I'm not trying to win anything. I'm trying to create an atmosphere of support and love and peace.

Well, its like youre trying to play be canadian rules, which are rational to regular people, but his hero is donald trump, and he wants to play by his rules that he makes up as he goes along, and that guarantee that he always wins. Youre not even canada to him, youre puerto rico. Youve been hit by a hurricane, but that bothers HIM. Not because youre hurting, but because now youre asking him for stuff.

Sorry, I don't really get the analogy.

I'm not sure he's bothered because I'm asking him for stuff. I really don't think it's any more complicated than he's extremely sensitive and hears criticism when it's not intended. This is very common for those who have been abused. He gets very jumpy around me if I'm irritable or grumpy about something (like if I express frustration that my computer glitches). Sometimes he even reacts as though I'm irritated when I'm not. Like not even close. He is sensitized to irritation, which is a sign of someone who had to walk on eggshells around an abuser's moods.

I love to cook for him and he only has one sink in the kitchen, so it's hard to manage all the dishes. When I said something like, "I need two sinks", he started saying sadly that I thought his kitchen wasn't good enough for me.

These are all signs of someone who's been abused (which he was) and feels insecure, easily hurt, and easily criticized.

It's a tough one, Em.

He's reacting the way I did when I first felt brave enough to have a relationship. That's a long time ago, but your post reminds me how challenging it was. Little things, like being grabbed, or being jumped out on (while playing ) could make me freeze / run / burst into tears.

And yes, hypersensitivity to criticism.

I held part of me back for a long time, within the relationship. Out of terror that he'd leave Only his endless kindness and reassurance wore me down.

You know all this; that he's testing you, pushing you to see if you'll turn on him the way loved ones have in the past.

At its best, this can be an opportunity for him to learn how to express his badly-repressed emotions. Anger will probably be the main one. The silences are, at the moment, the only way he's been able to express anger. In a violent family, there's often no other outlet.

My partner was mature for his age, and was an absolute rock for me. I'm so grateful.

But we were really in love. With this being a new relationship, you might decide this is too much for your own mental well-being.

It might need a counsellor for him to hear that he CANNOT call you a liar.

That seems to be the big sticking-point.

He needs to realise that you can't go forward with him if he's not able to control that impulse.

I personally think he needs his own therapy before going to couples counseling so he can work on himself first.

He sounds like he may have PTSD to me.

Emotional abuse is about control. Do you think his motive is to control you in some way? Honestly, from hearing just your side of it, this seems more like a person who is having trouble communicating and probably needs some therapy to deal with his past abuse than it does about emotional abuse. But as someone who was in a long term emotionally abusive relationship, I don't want to minimize what you're going through right now.

Thank you, this is very helpful.

I do care for him deeply and I have a lot of patience for emotional stuff. I grew up with a Narcissistic father and I've had a lot of emotional issues throughout my life. And I have always appreciated when someone is brave enough to stand by me. Like you, I can appreciate and feel grateful for someone who is emotionally mature enough to be a rock.

So, if what this man needs is to see that I will stick by him, I'm willing to do that (within reason - provided it's not a situation where he uses stonewalling as a way to control).

He's not calling me a liar, per se. I would guess that he's so hurt because what he thinks I said scares him or brings up insecurities, so maybe he's poking at it repeatedly because he needs to feel safe.

I dunno.

I agree.

I noticed that he was upset that he couldn't find a particular plate he uses for breakfast. Like it was a comfort to him or something. When he's like this, he goes into his bed and puts the blanket over half his face, which to me seems like a coping mechanism (hiding). It does look like PTSD.

Thank you. This is also very helpful.

I, too, was in an abusive relationship that was all about control and I questioned what my current boyfriend's motives are. I agree that I don't think he's trying to control. I think he is extra sensitive and easily hurt.

Thank you very much for your responses.

Em, 'liar' might not have been the right word to use.

But, the truth is the truth. And if he isn't able to tell the difference, that could drive you crazy.

It would be the same with a friend. If they couldn't take your word for it, after repeated reassurance...

It's a sort-of aural hallucination, in a way.