[frekofnature]

From a very young age I've been a freak. It was impossible for me to socialize and I never formed any real relationships and had intimacy and trust issues, I was also bullied. To make things worse I was hypersexual ever since I can remember and used to hump things the way dogs do even as a kid when I was about 5, and used to fantasize about girls. As I grew older, as you can imagine, it only got worse. I've had almost every perverted thought you can imagine, even about relatives and friends and I've had an obsession with my first cousin. All of this only made me feel grossed out with myself and hate myself even more. I have read online that these might be symptoms of having suffered some kind of trauma at a very young age (perhaps of sexual nature) that I've pushed back. Perhaps the most traumatizing experience that I remember from my childhood is when I was roughly 6-8 (???) and an older girl let me play with her vagina and then asked to touch my penis although I don't actually remember that happening. For many years I felt ashamed even though I thought I should be proud of that experience, I guess. That girl lived quite far away and I never spoke much to her since. Even whenever she visited on vacation and wanted to hang out I systematically avoided her, because I really disliked her and was uncomfortable around her. I'm 18 now and she recently added me on Facebook. Other than that I saw my mother naked several times as a young child and was also very grossed out and embarrassed, as well as my mother yelling at me and hitting me at times and my father threatening to hit me with his belt when I didn't eat my food. I always resented my parents but as I grew older they seemed to be much nicer to me for some reason. I have no idea what normal is at this point and have trouble imagining myself being a well adjusted member of society. I've contemplated suicide many times. As far as me being sexually abused as a child, I think it's very far-fetched and I can't think of anyone in my family capable of such a thing, but I guess it would explain the confusion around my sexuality and my own perversion. I want to start therapy at some point if it is going to help. This is actually the first time I mention any of this to anyone. Please be understanding.

[Skeezyks]

Hello nature: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

Actually I have a lot of questions too regarding what my early life experiences must have been & how they contributed to the problems I've had pretty-much all of my life... some similar to those you describe. (And I'm an older person now. So I've had a lot of years to ruminate over them.) In my case, I'm completely confident I was never sexually abused. So that's not even a consideration. But something happened. In my case though, I'll never know what it was. It all just is what it is... (or was what it was.)

At 18 I believe you're still young enough to, hopefully, figure a lot of this out & go on to live a happy, healthy life. So I think it's great you're planning to start therapy! Just keep in mind that, sometimes, it can take a while to find the right therapist for you. Not every therapist works well with every client. So, if the first T you see doesn't seem to be a good fit, don't give up. Try others. Granted the process can be a bit of a pain. But, if you can find someone you feel comfortable with, it can be a good experience!

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Nammu]

I think you are going in the right direction, therapy is a great first step to take.