[SorryShaped]

I have something that happened as a child that I have never been able to tell anyone. I'm not going to tell it here either. It's the one thing I've never talked about anywhere. I might be willing to finally approach it with my t this Tuesday but I don't like even thinking about it. It's a secret I've never revealed to anyone ever. Four other people do know but not for the same reason as me. Do I try to summon the courage or stay silent, as I've done all these years and hope it will just go away? I've had flashbacks today, first of bullies, then my ex, and now for the first time, this. I see my t next week and don't know. This probably shaped my life in some ways but I don't even let myself think about it often. When I do think about it I usually become a danger to myself. I'm not going to become a danger about this. Not any more. It happened and I need to let it go. Maybe I'm finally ready to conquer the monster in the closet? If I can't face it myself without having a past of very bad outcomes when trying, can I talk about this with anyone else ever? I've not yet been able to even hint at it to anyone. I don't feel fear. I don't feel anything about it. I don't know what emotions to even have. I'm going to write it on paper by Tuesday and either give it to my t or throw it out the window on the way. It only needs to be three words.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I was physically and sexually assaulted 5 years ago and I still have flash backs. There were 4 guys, It was horrible. I tried talking about it to my therapist but I flipped out and it just made me so worked up I landed in the hospital. It was too soon to talk about. But my Tdoc never brought it up again. If you feel ready to get help from this then I think the best idea would be to write it down and give it to your tdoc. So sorry you're going through this. I know how life changing events like that can haunt you for a very long time. I hope you decide to work through it with your T, but it's up to you. Big hugs.

I never said it was sexual. What gave you that idea? Are you inferring because it happened to you too? How would you even know if it happened?

[wildflowerchild25]

I don’t think fairies was implying your trauma was the same, just that she understands how trauma can affect a person through their life.

I’m still not ready to talk About my husband’s death in too much detail. It’s been three years almost. If you think you’re ready to say something then do. Whatever it was, it most certainly won’t just go away, esp. if you’re having flashbacks.

[99fairies]

I'm sorry I offended you. I have no idea what happened to you. I was just saying I know how hard it is to talk about some events in our life. Sorry again.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I don’t think fairies was implying your trauma was the same, just that she understands how trauma can affect a person through their life.

I’m still not ready to talk About my husband’s death in too much detail. It’s been three years almost. If you think you’re ready to say something then do. Whatever it was, it most certainly won’t just go away, esp. if you’re having flashbacks.

Flashbacks on this are all new, but I also never had any before December two years ago when I recognized that my ex's behaviors were abuse and not just deserved. I've had them from other parts of my childhood sense, but never would have thought this could come out. I knew it happened. I didn't stop it. It happened over and over. No adults knew.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I'm sorry I offended you. I have no idea what happened to you. I was just saying I know how hard it is to talk about some events in our life. Sorry again.

You didn't offend me. I think I finally got upset over it, as I probably should be. I never told anyone because I never thought anyone would believe me or they'll blame it on me for not stopping it the first time. I don't know what I feel right now.
I'm taking my meds and going to sleep as soon as I can. I just want to sleep.
This might get rough.

[99fairies]

I think I should just delete my post. The only reason I told my story was because I thought it might help. But I hate talking about it and knowing it did not help at all makes me regret saying it.

[~Christina]

Regardless of what happened it’s causing problems in your life based on your thread.

Everyone deals with things differently, I myself have a lot of trauma work I need to do. Do I want to !? Hell no! But every night it’s the same 2 nightmares. For me it’s time to tackle it since I am back home and away from the actual place that one of the traumas took place at.

I hope your able to find peace in whatever shape that is for you.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I think I should just delete my post. The only reason I told my story was because I thought it might help. But I hate talking about it and knowing it did not help at all makes me regret saying it.

No. You don't need to delete anything.
You were spot on. That's what happened. Here and now, I'm telling you guys for the first time

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Regardless of what happened it’s causing problems in your life based on your thread.

Everyone deals with things differently, I myself have a lot of trauma work I need to do. Do I want to !? Hell no! But every night it’s the same 2 nightmares. For me it’s time to tackle it since I am back home and away from the actual place that one of the traumas took place at.

I hope your able to find peace in whatever shape that is for you.

They have a med for nightmares. I had to quit taking it because it took all my dreams.

[99fairies]

That took a lot of courage. Good for you, a step in the right direction. I'm so sorry you had to endure that for so long... My heart breaks for you.

[winter loneliness]

I am sorry for your pain. Tell your therapist. Be brave.

[Unhinged88]

I am proud of you! You are a strong person! What happened to you was not right or your fault. It happened to me too.

[SorryShaped]

I'm going to sleep now. My chest hurts to breathe. My sleep meds are working.
I want to scream. Probably not a good way to fall asleep

[Unhinged88]

No. But it will get better from here on out. Have faith in yourself that you can overcome this and not let it define you.

[Row Jimmy]

Take care of it. My family is convinced something happened to my mom when she was young and she's never spoken about it......whatever it was, it has made her bitter, angry, defensive, and unpredictable. She might be BP but she might have PTSD too. Time hasn't healed her - she's lived her entire life like this. And she's adamant that it never be spoken, a typical post Depression, Irish Catholic approach to life. I remember clearly her always waving everyone off when we would press her on it. She figured she could muster inner resistance and solider on but all it has done is eat her up. Best to address it and move forward in a positive way because what happened will never change. No shame here, just moving forward and healing.

[Pheasant11]

Do what is good for you. Only you.

[99fairies]

I hope you slept well, just wanna check in and see if you're okay today. Last night must have been very draining for you. You are in my thoughts.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I hope you slept well, just wanna check in and see if you're okay today. Last night must have been very draining for you. You are in my thoughts.

Thank you for the good thoughts and encouragement.
I didn't sleep well. Not at all. I'd fall asleep for 5 or 10 minutes. I cried all damn night apparently even in my sleep, screamed into my pillow and really fought the worst possible situation all night long. My entire face is red and puffy. My eyes and around them look like I've been punched they're so red. I said effit and am at the gym anyway. Somebody asked if I'm ok and I said something they couldn't interpret, "I'm not ready to talk about it. You don't want to know." She called me an *** and walked away. That's indicative of both of us having issues I guess. I don't know what I should do about this. There's really nothing.

[99fairies]

Just remember you're not alone. We will always be here for you.

[SorryShaped]

I finally understand not ever being truly alone. We're all in this thing called Life and no matter how hard we try, we're not going to be alone. I know I'm not the only one that had this sort of thing happen. I also know it caused a certain kind of dysfunction for me, desensitized. I know it triggered my suicidality. I know it's cost me large parts of my life. I know it's caused some of my trust issues. I now wonder if it caused my issues between me and my parents, because they didn't know how to handle a seven year old suicidal son. I don't think that could be my fault entirely because they didn't handle so much if their job correctly. I'm spiraling, but the exercise is helping slow it down

[99fairies]

I'm glad the gym is so helpful for you. You must be in amazing shape! You have a lot of shiit to work through, I hope your T can help. Baby steps... and last night was a huge step for you. Be kind to yourself, there's no shame in crying. It is not a sign of weakness. It's a natural reaction. Big hugs.

Big hugs my friend. I'm sorry you are hurting.

[Unhinged88]

It might feel like a spiral. But I think its more growing. Now that you've come terms, so to speak, with what happened, you can start fitting pieces of the puzzle together about your past and today. When I realized what had happened to me wasnt right, it took 16 years almost, I decided not to be a victim but a survivor so that maybe I can be better because of it. In some way. And granted, I haven't yet told my family, I have told 1 person (in person) and that is a start.

It will be ok! Its not ok now.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I'm glad the gym is so helpful for you. You must be in amazing shape! You have a lot of shiit to work through, I hope your T can help. Baby steps... and last night was a huge step for you. Be kind to yourself, there's no shame in crying. It is not a sign of weakness. It's a natural reaction. Big hugs.

One of my instructors said "you're the picture of health" several weeks ago. That means a lot coming from someone that looks as incredible as she does.
Cried during yoga. Curled up in the corner at the library.
I regret having said or even thinking about telling anyone. But it's out there now and that's that.