[Countdownyears]

What I'm struggling with lately is whether I should keep a relationship with my parents (albeit a distant one) or not. Or what kind of relationship might work for me in my circumstances. This is why I am posting this here to see how others may have managed this.

Background:

Horrible, critical mother, who only humiliated me, pushed me to be the best (I could read and write by the age of two, and no I am not a genius at all), and unloaded all her issues on me, her first born. I was never good enough, even though I was a straight A student and if I would get sexually assaulted she would say I am the slut who tempts upstanding family men. I was a loser in every sense of the word in my mother's eyes. She also hit me, shouted at me, or did not look at me or speak to me for days on end. When I had an accident and broke my face, teeth and arm, she told me I had embarrassed her in the society by riding a motorbike I was not allowed to, thus again doing something wrong and in my recovery days grounded me in my room so that no one could visit. She wouldn't even let the other family members in. I laid without teeth, with a cast, alone in a room without human contact (could not go to school for 3-4 weeks).

My father did nothing about this. I think he was as scared of her as I was of her, but that's no excuse. He should have grown a pair and at least give me a hug every now and then (divorce would have removed him from my life completely). The only time he did do something was to pay for me to go abroad at 18 when I couldn't stand being near her anymore. Not that this helped, as I took my mother with me, internally.

She has not changed. She still treats me as the loser she always considered me to be. If I get fired, or go through a break up she assures me it is my fault because I am such a loser and deserve nothing better. If I do achieve something it's not a big deal, it is taken for granted.

I have tried to change the dynamic and some improvements have been made. For example, she no longer leaves abusive voicemails if she cannot reach me. She barely calls me now. When I visit, she tries to keep the abuse and critique to the minimum and has even allowed me to bring a boyfriend home (or she wouldn't see me at all as I don't do holidays without him), but even so, comments about how small my breasts are escape her, and this is enough to ruin a whole day or 2 of my vacation. Or how great she is with kids when she meets my best friend from back home and cuddles her baby.

No one around me, not even my boyfriend understand how these can be such triggers for me, and they just tell me to not make a big deal out of it.
When things are good, rarely, I start the exasperating task of hoping that I could finally have a loving family. But that is not the case and I get crushed all over again.

It is very painful to cut all contact with one's family. I still have not gotten rid internally of my need/hope to please her and gain her love. She will never change unless it is for her to gain something (i.e. seeing me; as the only reason she changed any behavior was that if she didn't she wouldn't get to see me and then what would the neighbors say?). It's very hard to explain to anyone (let alone her) how hard it is for me to have this mother. They all think she did her best, cut her some slack, you are making a big deal out of everything, don't take her seriously. But I can't. And I don't know how to deal with them. But I don't miss them. I miss the illusion I had as a child that if I ever become good enough, I will gain their love and affection. It is also very hard for me to never see her again.

What do people in my situation do? How do you find a balance?

[Wild Coyote]

This must be so very difficult. I am sorry for all you have been through and still go through.

I think you are on the right track with setting some boundaries and demanding some respect.

You may always be triggered, at least to some extent, by some of her behaviors.

I think you'll need to discern when seeing her might set you back and keep yourself safe. Maybe protect yourself as you would if you were the parent protecting you as a little girl. Parent/protect yourself in this way.

Have you dealt with this in therapy?

I wish you healing.

WC

[Countdownyears]

Thank you Wild Coyote. I have indeed dealt with this in therapy, many therapists. One suggested cutting all contact and only "using" my parents now if i need anything from them (say stay at their beautiful beach-house for free), but I seem to always pay a price internally and it doesn't feel like i am using them at all. It feels like i am a little child again, awaiting approval that never comes. I wish I was strong enough to not feel like this, but since I am cutting all contact might be the only way out, only this is so so painful. I liked the whole parent that little girl myself trick, although I think this is the main reason I haven't had kids.