[TrailRunner14]

It’s late and I’m up with much on my mind.

So.

I’ve been stuck in a really hard place for the past several weeks or months, I can’t really remember.

My “felt sense” resonates to me that what I think, is true.

I can’t deny it and be honest with that part of myself.

Denial is coming in like a landslide.

I have a very strong part of me that wants validation. Truth.

Sadly.

That won’t happen.

It’s really a very hard and rending place to be.

I just wanted to put this somewhere.

If someone has experience of how they worked through it, it would be greatly welcomed.

[Amyjay]

I hear you. It is very hard to know if what is experienced is based in reality or not. To some parts of self it is completely unreal. To others the experience and knowing of is experienced as nothing less than real.

I have so much to say but no words come to share it yet.
Bit by bit, part by part, we edge closer to feeling and knowing the truth.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I hear you. It is very hard to know if what is experienced is based in reality or not. To some parts of self it is completely unreal. To others the experience and knowing of is experienced as nothing less than real.

I have so much to say but no words come to share it yet.
Bit by bit, part by part, we edge closer to feeling and knowing the truth.

I have this same problem. Bit by bit, and a little at a time. But as i remember things, i remember even more that i put in that way back space in my mind. All i can say is to keep working on it, little by little. The more you remember and get it out the better, I have learned to not try to remember too much, bc it can make healing very difficult.

[gmts]

Denial is, just like phantasy bonding and the like, a very important and valuable survival strategy. Don't be too hard on yourself on that one.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

It’s late and I’m up with much on my mind.

So.

I’ve been stuck in a really hard place for the past several weeks or months, I can’t really remember.

My “felt sense” resonates to me that what I think, is true.

I can’t deny it and be honest with that part of myself.

Denial is coming in like a landslide.

I have a very strong part of me that wants validation. Truth.

Sadly.

That won’t happen.

It’s really a very hard and rending place to be.

I just wanted to put this somewhere.

If someone has experience of how they worked through it, it would be greatly welcomed.

Validation didn’t fix it for me for me.
The only thing that does is ending the abusive relationship.

[Fuzzybear]

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for your replies!

I talked with my counselor tonight.

Ya know.

I have every check marked symptom/personality defect of CSA.

As I said before, denial comes in like a landslide.

I can’t accept it. I can’t agree with it.

All of my memories shut off into darkness without any visual proof of what my internal self has felt the shame, aloneness, guilt and not belonging of.

There is a very strong validating/analytical part that is searching for proof. It’s searching for some shread of a visual memory that would validate my brokenness.

There is another part of me that is terrified of glimpsing any tiny part of it.

What a place to be.

To want truth but to be afraid of the ?.

What would that bring?

More brokenness?

A rending of myself?

Truth that I couldn’t handle?

Freedom?

Would the truth of really knowing bring me freedom?

I couldn’t stay where I was 6 years ago.

It has brought some healing in parts of me to know the things that I do know now.

I can’t turn around and leave it like it is and not go forward.

I can’t push this. This is so hard because I want to be on the other side of this.

I want my life back.

Well.

Not really my life back. I want my life and I want to enjoy it.

I pray that this has a purpose and a resolution for my heart.

I pray that there is a way that I can use what I’m walking through to help someone else.

That would be on the other side of validation maybe?

I don’t know.

Thank you for hearing me.