[cryingontheinside]

I don't know why but I never really post in this forum .
I've been abused so many times in so many different ways .

With my family I was neglected and bullied . My dad would " play fight " me too. He would strangle me and things like that and it would hurt really bad and I thought I was going to die . But it was only playfighting he said. He shouted at me for being such a winge bag . He was not at my home from the age of 7 but I had other abuses at home . Like my mum's bf. He would touch me and my sister on our breasts , pretending he wanted a cuddle and it would turn into a grope . My brother and step dad would bully me alot and my mum would laugh. I was a freak . The butt of their jokes . I was a bent nose ***** . Thats one of the names I was called on a daily basis . I witnessed alot of violence at home and a few times my mum physically attacked me .

So that was the abuse at home . But when I was little I got bullied alot by the neighbours kids , they were much older than me . My friend's dad sexually assaulted me , but I don't know exactly what he did as I only get flash backs but I do clearly remember him threatening to kill my mum and dad if I told them . He wouldn't of said that unless he had done something. I also got bullied at school to a certain degree but not extreme .

As an adult I have been in abusive relationships . I have also had people attemt to rape me on several occasions since I often let myself be in dangerous situations .

I had 1 actual rape . I know I did not consent , I was practically unconscious . Because of alcahol . I thought it would be safe to fall asleep at a party but it was not . The guy who raped me also stole my phone .

I was bullied in some of my job's too probably because of my social anxiety and poor mental health which hadn't been diagnosed at that point .

I don't think about the abuse all the time . I don't know why I decided to share it , maybe I needed to share it , I don't know .

[nicoleflynn]

You have been terribly abused and I am glad you shared it. You may want to consider seeing a therapist. Talking about it does help.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

You have been terribly abused and I am glad you shared it. You may want to consider seeing a therapist. Talking about it does help.

I agree that I definitely need to see a therapist. I have tried before but agoraphobia and anxiety got in the way , I couldn't turn up to appointments , but that therapist was not helping me anyway. When I told him that I am paranoid that people think I'm ugly and that's one of the reasons I hate to go out , he basically told me I wasn't being paranoidvailable bl , so I guess he was agreeing that people do think I'm ugly . Maybe I took it the wrongway but that's how it seemed and it didn'tj help
I'm gonna try again to get and hope that I am able to leave my home to get to the appointments . There are always obsticles stopping me from getting the help I need
Thank you for your reply

You didn't deserve all that abuse, crying, it's a good thing you're trying to get help, s if you want them

[cryingontheinside]

Thank you

Originally Posted by whispershadow

You didn't deserve all that abuse, crying, it's a good thing you're trying to get help, s if you want them

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I don't know why but I never really post in this forum .
I've been abused so many times in so many different ways .

With my family I was neglected and bullied . My dad would " play fight " me too. He would strangle me and things like that and it would hurt really bad and I thought I was going to die . But it was only playfighting he said. He shouted at me for being such a winge bag . He was not at my home from the age of 7 but I had other abuses at home . Like my mum's bf. He would touch me and my sister on our breasts , pretending he wanted a cuddle and it would turn into a grope . My brother and step dad would bully me alot and my mum would laugh. I was a freak . The butt of their jokes . I was a bent nose ***** . Thats one of the names I was called on a daily basis . I witnessed alot of violence at home and a few times my mum physically attacked me .

So that was the abuse at home . But when I was little I got bullied alot by the neighbours kids , they were much older than me . My friend's dad sexually assaulted me , but I don't know exactly what he did as I only get flash backs but I do clearly remember him threatening to kill my mum and dad if I told them . He wouldn't of said that unless he had done something. I also got bullied at school to a certain degree but not extreme .

As an adult I have been in abusive relationships . I have also had people attemt to rape me on several occasions since I often let myself be in dangerous situations .

I had 1 actual rape . I know I did not consent , I was practically unconscious . Because of alcahol . I thought it would be safe to fall asleep at a party but it was not . The guy who raped me also stole my phone .

I was bullied in some of my job's too probably because of my social anxiety and poor mental health which hadn't been diagnosed at that point .

I don't think about the abuse all the time . I don't know why I decided to share it , maybe I needed to share it , I don't know .

I think you posted in the right forum. There are many of us who have been through lots of abuse, as children, and adults. It is a very good thing, that you are trying to get help now! You don't want this to cause you problems for the rest of your life, like some of us have, and are still trying to get it fixed. If I knew how my life would have turned out, I would have made sure I fixed my issues while I was young. Unfortunately I didn't so I am dealing with it in my 50's.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I think you posted in the right forum. There are many of us who have been through lots of abuse, as children, and adults. It is a very good thing, that you are trying to get help now! You don't want this to cause you problems for the rest of your life, like some of us have, and are still trying to get it fixed. If I knew how my life would have turned out, I would have made sure I fixed my issues while I was young. Unfortunately I didn't so I am dealing with it in my 50's.

It is so sad that so many of us go through so much abuse . I think if you are abused alot as a child it can lead to being abused as an adult . My childhood ripped away my self esteem and I'm pretty sure my mental health started to happen in my teens if not before because I was a very unhappy child . As an adult I craved love . I mistook controlling possessive men as loving . It lead to violence and mental abuse which lead to drinking alcahol alot of it so that I could cope this my situations . Being drunk I put myself in dangerous situations alot . Well I don't drink anymore and I self isolate . I do that so that no more further abuse can occur because I feel like I've had my limit in what I can handle . I already have alot of mental health issues as a result of all of this . I am going to try to get help . I hope I can get the help I need . I'm glad you are getting help for all the abuse and how it affected you . I know you wish you got it earlier , so do I. I had the opportunity to get therapy when I was 16 but it all went wrong . I wish so badly I had got that help and maybe wouldn't of encountered more abuse and more MH issues as an adult . I had one therapy session when I was 16 . I didn't speak . I may of said one sentence in the whole hour . I tried to go back but apparently I went on the wrong day and both the resecptionists lauged at me so hard and they didn't offer me an alternative appointment so I just walked out and never went back . I also didn't take the antidepressants because I was scared too . I had another chance at therapy a few years ago but I messed it up because I am agoraphobic and nobody wants to do home visits . I missed too many appointments and so the therapy stopped . I only saw him a couple of times and it didn't help but I know I need something long term and I want to try hypnotherapy too. I had it once before and it worked for s period of time and I only had one session . Thanks again for the advice and good luck to you too

[BLUEDOVE]

Oh,listen love,you MUST somehow get a therapist for help.
Could you not email one with details of how things have been,
and SOMEHOW arrange to be seen? You can't let dear self keep suffering like this,please see how urgent this is for you.
Quote:"In order to love,or even like one's self,one must behave
in ways one can admire."
Courage,
BLUEDOVE

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you've been through so much, crying. I hope you can find a way to see a therapist. I think there might be some sites where you can do it online, so you don't have to go out.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m so sorry about all the abuse you’ve endured

And that therapist? “He basically told me I wasn’t being paranoid” - hmmmmm......... that does not sound at all helpful to you. I have no idea why the therapist said something so weird and questionable

Maybe you were / are looking at that comment the “wrong” way?

Possibly.. but my guess is that he was intentionally trying to be discouraging .

As for his reason, I don’t know

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I agree that I definitely need to see a therapist. I have tried before but agoraphobia and anxiety got in the way , I couldn't turn up to appointments , but that therapist was not helping me anyway. When I told him that I am paranoid that people think I'm ugly and that's one of the reasons I hate to go out , he basically told me I wasn't being paranoidvailable bl , so I guess he was agreeing that people do think I'm ugly . Maybe I took it the wrongway but that's how it seemed and it didn'tj help
I'm gonna try again to get and hope that I am able to leave my home to get to the appointments . There are always obsticles stopping me from getting the help I need
Thank you for your reply

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I’m so sorry about all the abuse you’ve endured

And that therapist? “He basically told me I wasn’t being paranoid” - hmmmmm......... that does not sound at all helpful to you. I have no idea why the therapist said something so weird and questionable

Maybe you were / are looking at that comment the “wrong” way?

Possibly.. but my guess is that he was intentionally trying to be discouraging .

As for his reason, I don’t know

Thank you fuzzy bear ! How are you ?

[Fuzzybear]

I’m close to my normal abnormal

I’m hoping that some of the obstacles to finding an effective therapist somehow remove themselves.

It is not cool if you’re having to “fight” a dysfunctional system that would appear that it doesn’t want to help, to get help ...

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Thank you fuzzy bear ! How are you ?

[cryingontheinside]

I really hope that you can find a good therapist : hugs