[Cyran0]

The Story Of Cyran0 Part 1

I can't think of a time in my life when I didn't know, in an immediate and physical way, what sex was. That other kids wanted to be sexual with me seemed normal. Without much adult supervision and neighborhood kids varying in age and disposition, encounters started happening by the time I was four. I was a little scared at first but quickly I started to like it and crave the attention. Some of these kids were so much older but I was being included and it felt good.

Afterwards I would have intense periods of guilt and anxiety. I knew what I'd done was not ok. I would cry for hours and nobody knew why. In my little boy brain, I was responsible.

The instigator of much of this was an older kid that lived down the street. His father was a self-proclaimed man of God and he pretty much let the whole neighborhood hang out at his house. This older boy would create scenarios that led to small groups of us getting naked and fondling each other. He'd bring out dirty magazines and we'd all get excited looking at them. A girl would get naked and the boys would take turns laying on top of her and thrusting.

This happened a lot and over a period of years.

I always reacted the same way. Excited to be included. I enjoyed the contact. But the guilt and worry and anguish was crippling.

Sex entered other parts of my life through my older brother, porn, scenarios I'd initiate with other kids my own age, etc.

Sex had become a part of my world.

As time went on the AIDS epidemic started and I became convinced that because I'd had sex, I had AIDS. I was going to die and it was all my fault. I also had strange fantasies that I was going to be turned into a woman and it both excited and horrified me. Days on end would be spent worrying about all of this. I'd lay in bed at night and twist and turn with the emotional turmoil. I couldn't escape me and I couldn't escape what I'd done. So goes the mind of a seven year old kid.

Getting older only meant sex became more sophisticated, mature and varied. It never really ended. At puberty it just became dating.

When I grew up I was convinced that what happened all those years ago was normal. That it was children experimenting with their sexuality. Kids play doctor, after all. It wasn't until I had children of my own that the reality of what happened hit me. If my four year old son was sexually exploited by kids five to ten years older than him, I would be outraged. I would call it abuse and I would take action.

I tend not to tell the story of these early years because people dismiss it. They don't get the physical, mental and emotional differences that exist between a five year old and a twelve year old, for example. I even had one psychiatrist question whether or not this was abuse. My response was simply, he was older, he was in charge of me, he involved me in sex. I was not old enough to make these choices.

So that's one part of my background. More of my story to come.

Cyran0

im sorry that happened to you, Cyran!

[DePressMe]

Cyran0, thanks for trusting us enough to share. My story has much in common with yours. Right now, I do not have time to really reply to your post, but I wanted to let you know I read it and you are not alone. I will check back later.

thinking of you.

[_Hope_]

i am so sorry that happened to you, i am glad you found us here i hope we can give you some of the support you need and deserve

Linda

[Cyran0]

Thank you all for the kind words. It helps a great deal to share this with people who understand. As I mentioned in my post, most people (myself included) have minimized what happened. It means a lot to hear people say that they get it.

DePressMe, over the past couple of weeks I've been reading your posts with interest. I get the sense that we've had similar experiences. btw, I'm sober six years now and my drug of choice was cocaine.

Cyran0

[pachyderm]

cyranO

So sorry this happened, how were we to know. we should have been looked after more appropriately.

metime/jinny

[DePressMe]

Cyran0, in my reply to your post, I said I would check back in…I wanted to really write you a nice long, heartfelt reply. I wanted you to know how much we have in common—the events and the emotions. However, I have not been able to do that…right now I am struggling a bit. I am having some work issues and my grandma just passed. So, I have been receiving more support than giving support. I really hope that you don’t think I am ignoring the post or think you are not important. It is just, right now, at this moment, I can’t bring myself to write about my abuse. Maybe tomorrow or next week…I don’t know when…but, I would like to share some of my story with you. You sound like an amazing person and I really do look forward to hearing more from you.

And yes, coke was my drug of choice. When I quit it, I developed a drinking problem. But, isn’t it great to be sober! Congrats on the 6 years, that truly is amazing!

[salukigirl]

i just realized within the past couple years that the same thing had happened to me at around the same age only with family members. i started wondering why i hadnt seen my uncle in a long time and i remember that they used to baby sit me and then i remembered that my cousin was about 6 years older than me and used to tell me to get naked at their house and i remember feeling like it was my fault and that i was embarassed to tell my parents. and at the time it was more like "hey, an older kid is paying attention to me" and i never thought about it that way until you mentioned it. im so sorry that that happened to you but im sure you gave insight to other people as you did for me.

[Cyran0]

I'm sorry that happened to you but I'm thrilled that my own experience has helped you see your past more clearly. As I mentioned, I didn't, no couldn't, see this as abuse until I was an adult and had my own kids.

When you're a child, the difference of just a few years is huge. Six years older is worlds apart and it gives them power over us. That the perpetrator was also immature doesn't excuse the act (though it does place a little of the blame on the adults around at the time).

If you ever want to talk through those events and issues, please contact me. Hearing about what happened to you will help me. Maybe we can help each other.

Cyran0