I called my mum this evening...it was tough, I had to discuss Christmas and that we wouldn't be going to see her, but I would be going to visit and talk about the past in the new year....

She was understanding and is sending my children money for Christmas and my sons birthday.....although I asked her not to she insists on sending my hubby and I money.....I am buying her a small gift and she is picking it up from my friends house and leaving our stuff...

I have a prolem and need your advice....I see this as my problem, even though past abuse and depression, anxiety and ptsd do affect my family. My children who are 15 and 18 only know parts of what happened. I don't think I will tell them everything.

They don't want to have anything to do with my mum, my daughter doesn't even want her money.... It is not in my nature to call my mum and tell her this, I know she will be extremely upset as she misses her grandchildren.....I never once stopped them from seing her, they made their own choice not to call her....
I have asked them to call her and they said they will at Christmas to say thanks for the money etc...but my daughter says if she starts (my mum) she will not hold back....

I just want this to be between my mum and I, I feel guilty about the kids not calling her(I asked my mum not to call here)I am about at the stage to sort things out and talk to her, my son will talk to her and be calm and polite, he thinks more of his nan than my daughter does....although he would rather not go and see her....My kids attitude upsets me more than my mum at this time.....I really don't know what to think......I took my therapists advice and talked to my mum in quite an assertive manner otherwise she would have manipulated me again....she said she was sorry she wasn't there for me when I was growing up and for the first time I agreed with her and she was shocked!! I have a lot of tough talking in the new year to do....sorry this is long....just confused....are my kids right? Am I wrong to expect them to show my mum respect at my wishes, afterall, if I can learn to forgive her, then surely they should too?

any thoughts? thanks,

Jinny xxxx

[Cyran0]

Jinn, it sounds like you've handled this as well as could be expected. But your kids are old enough now that they will make their own decisions with the information they have. You can only guide them so much and I think you've been very giving regarding your mother's feelings; but for now there's only so much you can do. I do not think you should drive yourself crazy trying to manage all of these relationships. Instead, I'd make a goal of resolving these issues in the future as a part of your healing process.

Be safe.

Cyran0

((((((CYRAN))))thanks hon, you always give such good advice....I will try and not feel guilty, I think I'm just upset for my mum even though she bought it all on herself.....

I wish I just could stop feeling guilty about everything....thanks for listening,,,,hope you are feeling better, love and care.....Jinny xxx

[DePressMe]

Hi Jinny, I like how Crayn0 put it! It is up to your kids to decide what type of relationship they want to have with their grandmother. I hope you can get past the guilt and not feel responsible for it all. Of course, I am sure that is easier said than done. I don't have kids so I am kind just saying what I am thinking--I don't really have experience in this area. But, know that I am here to listen and that I care about you.