[kismetie]

My mom has been emotionally manipulative/abusive to me for as long as I can remember. It's always been more on the covert side of things and it wasn't until a few years ago that I really started to realize that my mom might have hurt/scared me more than I initially realized.

Just a brief background on my relationship with my mom:
My mom and I have a codependent relationship. Where she holds all the power and makes me feel guilty for everything. She gaslights me. She is very domineering and raised me with an authoritarian mindset. She is a textbook definition of a helicopter parent and is rather neurotic herself and can be emotional volatile at times. I literally had to find out I was adopted by my estranged father at the age 24. I'm 26 now.

Anyway, my question is, if my mom was physically aggressive with me on a few occasions, does that mean I was physically abused? I guess, I'm asking, because I'd feel like a fraud claiming to have been physically abused when maybe I wasn't. Does one time really all it takes?

I remember one time in high school, I was crap at swallowing pills and my mom was trying to help to take a nyquil tablet which might as well been a huge horse pill to me because no matter what I did, I couldn't swallow it.

I remember my mom got so frustrated that she told me to lie down on my back and she'd pour some water into my mouth. But after like the second or third attempt and I still hadn't managed to swallow the pill she kind of just got upset and started pouring the water more and complaining. And when I started to sputter and cough she held me down for a moment and keep pouring trying to get me to swallow the damn pill. I don't remember exactly what happened explicitly after that but I think she gave up once the water bottle was empty and I remember being shaken up and crying a little from being startled and roughed around a bit. I probably got up off the floor and cleaned the floor and went to my room.

There was another time where I was probably 19 and I would say frickin" a lot because well you know, I didn't curse in front of my mom and she said that frickin was just as bad and that every time she'd catch me saying it, she was going to sock me. I remember at first I didn't mind, but then she wasn't like holding back her punches *they were just in my arm so. I would have to remind/ask her to take off her rings first. And sometimes, she wouldn't hit me right away but let them accumulate up to like 5 hits. I don't know why but I guess she eventually stopped.

Then there was one time where we were arguing. I was probably 20. And I don't remember but she kind of just snapped. I think I called her on a bluff and told her to go ahead and she tried to choke me. She forced me down with her weight on my bed and got her hands around my throat. She had a firm hold but she wasn't pressing down trying to block my airway, she was just shaking my whole body. The whole think was less than a minute, probably only like 30 something seconds.

I know this sounds dumb, because I realize what I typed. But like if those were the only instances do they really count? Like they are so spaced out. Should I worry that my mom might resort to physical violence again as a possibility?

You don't sound dumb Kismetie. Yes, you have been emotionally and physically abused. I don't know whether there's much of a distinction between physical assault and abuse. They are both wrong and damaging whether once or hundreds of times. She essentially waterboarded you Kismetie. That's a form of torture. These are criminal acts that you have experienced. In thinking it through, ask yourself if you saw a stranger waterboarding their child (of any age) would you call it abuse/assault? I think you probably would.

Yes, you are right to be concerned about future abuse from her. How old are you? Do you still live with your mother? Please call the police immediately if an episode like this happens again. Have you ever consulted with a local doctor or psychologist? I think you would benefit from professional support. There are organizations who help adults living with violent family members. Are you open to talking to someone safe in your area?

I am so sorry you experienced all of those abuses. It was not your fault. You deserved and deserve peace, unconditional love, and safety. Please seek professional help

(Please add the red trigger icon to your post.)

[sarahsweets]

i think a lot of people get hung up on " was I abused" "Is this abuse"? I say yes. She abused you for your whole life emotionally and the physical abuse was like..the climax of a really scary book- it took her abuse to the next level. Even if she had never laid hands on your I would call your situation abuse. Our parents mold who we are. When they are abusive in any way, emotionally or physically we begin an unhealthy relationship with them. As painful as the abuse is, we still internalize it and blame ourselves. Then when the abuse is physical we start looking for what we did to turn it that way. We did nothing- it turned that way because our abuser got tired of the emotional torment-or felt like it wasnt having the effect that was desired-and took it to the next level. It is not your fault and you didnt deserve it. It was not ok and it was poor parenting.

[Albatross2008]

Abuse is not an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern. From what I can tell in the OP, nothing happened only once. It happened again and again, in different forms. No matter what color you paint a pile of dog poop, it's still dog poop.

Yes, if you were knocked around "only a few times," and underlying it all is emotional abuse and manipulation, then I'd say you were physically abused as well.

[downandlonely]

Yes, you mentioned instances of physical abuse more than one time. And even if she never got physical, she still emotionally abused you.

I really hope you don't live with her anymore. If I were you, I would try to cut her out of my life.

[kismetie]

thank you for your responses. I currently still like with my mom as I do not have the financial means to move out at the moment. I working on securing a full time job at the moment so I can start saving up.

thank you all for your concern as well. despite my original post, I am not real;y worried that she will try and hurt me physically again. I'm good enough at reading our situation and atmosphere and I hate to say it, but know how to not rock the boat.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by kismetie

My mom has been emotionally manipulative/abusive to me for as long as I can remember. It's always been more on the covert side of things and it wasn't until a few years ago that I really started to realize that my mom might have hurt/scared me more than I initially realized.

Just a brief background on my relationship with my mom:
My mom and I have a codependent relationship. Where she holds all the power and makes me feel guilty for everything. She gaslights me. She is very domineering and raised me with an authoritarian mindset. She is a textbook definition of a helicopter parent and is rather neurotic herself and can be emotional volatile at times. I literally had to find out I was adopted by my estranged father at the age 24. I'm 26 now.

Anyway, my question is, if my mom was physically aggressive with me on a few occasions, does that mean I was physically abused? I guess, I'm asking, because I'd feel like a fraud claiming to have been physically abused when maybe I wasn't. Does one time really all it takes?

I remember one time in high school, I was crap at swallowing pills and my mom was trying to help to take a nyquil tablet which might as well been a huge horse pill to me because no matter what I did, I couldn't swallow it.

I remember my mom got so frustrated that she told me to lie down on my back and she'd pour some water into my mouth. But after like the second or third attempt and I still hadn't managed to swallow the pill she kind of just got upset and started pouring the water more and complaining. And when I started to sputter and cough she held me down for a moment and keep pouring trying to get me to swallow the damn pill. I don't remember exactly what happened explicitly after that but I think she gave up once the water bottle was empty and I remember being shaken up and crying a little from being startled and roughed around a bit. I probably got up off the floor and cleaned the floor and went to my room.

There was another time where I was probably 19 and I would say frickin" a lot because well you know, I didn't curse in front of my mom and she said that frickin was just as bad and that every time she'd catch me saying it, she was going to sock me. I remember at first I didn't mind, but then she wasn't like holding back her punches *they were just in my arm so. I would have to remind/ask her to take off her rings first. And sometimes, she wouldn't hit me right away but let them accumulate up to like 5 hits. I don't know why but I guess she eventually stopped.

Then there was one time where we were arguing. I was probably 20. And I don't remember but she kind of just snapped. I think I called her on a bluff and told her to go ahead and she tried to choke me. She forced me down with her weight on my bed and got her hands around my throat. She had a firm hold but she wasn't pressing down trying to block my airway, she was just shaking my whole body. The whole think was less than a minute, probably only like 30 something seconds.

I know this sounds dumb, because I realize what I typed. But like if those were the only instances do they really count? Like they are so spaced out. Should I worry that my mom might resort to physical violence again as a possibility?

From what you have said, my personal thought would be yes. No one ever has the right to put there hands on anyone, and the time with the pill, sounds like water torture. Once someone thinks they can say, and do things to you, most of the time that person continues until the person being hurt puts a stop to it, or they do. It is called family valance, and is against the law. And it sounds to me like she is already doing physical violence, and it may get worse. Please be careful, and try to stay away from her if you can.