I think the relationship between children and parents is a two-way road, and there should be mutual respect and love. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but when parents start to treat their children's mistakes (or what they don't like) with abuse and destructive criticism, what would they expect to happen? Yes, when they are little, the children would stay silent, but this doesn't mean the problem is solved, and they learned their lesson. If anything, this feeds a dormant volcano ready to explode at the right time.

All my problems with my parents are because how they have spoken with/treated me. They think I don't want to hear the "truth". But there is a difference between telling the truth, and between abusing and criticizing because they think they know the truth, but the actual reason is that they don't like what I say and do, because it's not in accordance with their view and expectations. I think I am an open-minded person, but I have zero tolerance to negative and destructive criticism (with a package of issues to deal with), exactly because I was physically and emotionally abused and criticized constantly as a child. Then I am demanded/ordered by them (and the society/culture) to be respectful to them ONLY because they are my parents!!

Is this a fair request? Do I have to ignore my emotions and feelings for their sake? Should I just forget the past and what they have done to me, especially it still happens to this day? Relationships with parents are very complicated when things don't go right. Walking away isn't easy, and staying is very stressful and triggering.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Background Noise

I think the relationship between children and parents is a two-way road, and there should be mutual respect and love. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but when parents start to treat their children's mistakes (or what they don't like) with abuse and destructive criticism, what would they expect to happen? Yes, when they are little, the children would stay silent, but this doesn't mean the problem is solved, and they learned their lesson. If anything, this feeds a dormant volcano ready to explode at the right time.

You said "childrens' mistakes". What is it that you think you did that would make abuse acceptable?

All my problems with my parents are because how they have spoken with/treated me. They think I don't want to hear the "truth". But there is a difference between telling the truth, and between abusing and criticizing because they think they know the truth, but the actual reason is that they don't like what I say and do, because it's not in accordance with their view and expectations. I think I am an open-minded person, but I have zero tolerance to negative and destructive criticism (with a package of issues to deal with), exactly because I was physically and emotionally abused and criticized constantly as a child. Then I am demanded/ordered by them (and the society/culture) to be respectful to them ONLY because they are my parents!!

It sounds like not only were they abusive to you as a child but they still are abusive to you. You do not have to take that now. You are in charge of your life and only you get to decide who to spend your time with. Respect is earned and they didnt earn it. Would you put up with this from a friend? Then why put up with it from your parents, the very people who are supposed to love you?
Is this a fair request? Do I have to ignore my emotions and feelings for their sake? Should I just forget the past and what they have done to me, especially it still happens to this day? Relationships with parents are very complicated when things don't go right. Walking away isn't easy, and staying is very stressful and triggering.[/QUOTE]

I also said "(or what they don't like)".

Originally Posted by Background Noise

... but when parents start to treat their children's mistakes (or what they don't like) with abuse and destructive criticism, what would they expect to happen? ....

It was a general statement. I don't know what mistakes I did as a child. I don't remember. I am sure I made mistakes, but nothing children don't do. But I was physically punished for things like playing outside on school days. For not studying. For not scoring A+ at school (yes, I was punished for scoring B+ and A). For speaking when we had adult visitors ... etc.

The point is how parents treat their children is very important in all circumstances because we expect from them support and love as children. Until this day, and I am in my late 30s, my father treats me like a 5 years old, with commands, and yelling and criticism. His excuse is that he wants me to be successful, and till this days he says that "the ends justify the means", and there was no other way (he means the punishments/beating and criticism), except his way didn't work, because I am struggling in life, and far from successful because of how he has treated me. I am closer to a failure if I am not one.

With all of what he has done, he wishes to give himself a free pass that he was/is allowed to abuse me because he is my father, and I should accept his abuse and obey him and respect him all the time!!

[healingme4me]

There's so much out there about parenting that I'm surprised that your parents didn't hop on the bandwagon to read or learn at least one thing So sorry that your father believes that the only way to get his point accross to you is to raise his voice to you. Especially now that you are an adult. Hopefully you can limit your visits with him?
You could remind him to be careful how he treats you, as you'll get to choose his nursing home? :\

As a child, he did not just raise his voice on me, but also beat me with the belt until I collapse crying for an hour or so after that. Not to mention the constant criticism and mocking of what I said and did. Now he cannot beat me (although I am sure he wish he could), but he still criticizes me, and raises his voice on me. I am limiting my interaction with him, but I keep thinking how he has treated me or would treat me if I go home and see them. I want to move on, but not sure how.

[IrisBloom]

I had basically the same issues. It helped me a lot to realize it was his problem and not mine. As kids we internalize criticism but as adults we can develop the ability to accept it or not. Knowing he didn't know the real me but his perception of me also helped. It's hard to have good self esteem when all you hear is put downs but if you can focus on your strengths it can get better.

Respect is a two way street. If you can respect them it might help your own situation. It's NOT admitting they are right about everything, it is not internalizing what they say. When I stopped responding to criticism it didn't stop it from happening but I felt better knowing it was his issue and not mine.

He passed away 2 years ago and I have no regrets. I respected him as much as I could under the circumstances. I'm sad that he passed but relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

You have a point. I don't want to have regrets, and this is actually why I am still talking to him, despite my anger and stress. I think I dwell too much on how he has treated me because I am unemployed and struggle right now, and I tend to blame him, at least partially, but it hasn't been this bad before. I am hoping when I find a job to not dwell on these past events, and try to focus on my life. But it's just not easy right now.

Today during a self-talk scenario I became angry and muttered angrily because I imagined my father criticizing me why I am not working and cannot find a job. I was triggered by the idea of him criticizing me, as I am always imagining him criticizing me, as he has been doing to me in reality. This isn't unusual to happen to me.