[RACEKA]

To give you some background I was sexually & more abused growing up by my mom. I married an abuser. I'm in therapy dealing with it all. I'm in recovery for drug abuse. I've been clean for 2 years.

I took on a service job at my N/A meeting. I was given a key to open the church and start the coffee and get the meeting room ready. I would be meeting a guy at the church that I knew real well and trusted. I was not having any bad feelings about it or anything.

The first night I was supposed to do this I was getting ready to go all of a sudden I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't know why.
The more I cried the more I was getting madder at myself for crying. I just put my makeup on and I was crying it all off. I was starting to feel scared. I still wasn't sure why. I went to the meeting and couldn't stop crying all the way there. I tried talking to myself that everything was ok.

When I got there the door was open so I knew the other person was there and as I went down the steps he was in the kitchen getting the coffee pots ready and it all came back. When I was 16, I worked in a small diner and I opened the diner with a cook in the morning and he raped me. I had totally forgotten about that. I never told anyone.

Does this sound strange?

[Perna]

No, not at all! That's the way our minds and body's work. It's good to get that poison out. Have you been able to tell your T or anyone? What happened in the real church; did you go in and to the meeting, tell anyone there?

[RACEKA]

I don't remember anything about that night after that. I know I was there because I have notes about what to do to set up the meeting. I don't know if I should try this again or tell them I can't do this. I haven't talked to T about it. I will see him tomorrow.

I don't understand why I was feeling scared before I realized what I was going to happen.

[DePressMe]

Hi Raceka, I was sexually abused as a child and I have been sober for almost 2 years too.

Your reaction does not sound strange at all. The situation triggered memories of your past abuse.

Its good you have a therapy appointment. Maybe your therapist can help you decide if you want to keep the service position.

I am sorry you are going through this—I understand how difficult is to feel all of the emotions caused by your trauma. Hang in there….it will get better.

[silentangel]

Well how did things go with ur T?

[RACEKA]

My therapy got canceled because his wife had surgery and he was all booked up. I cried and slept all night. I did talk to him on Saturday and he helped me to get grounded. Just hearing his voice was so awesome. We will process this next week.

I need to still call the people from NA and let them know what I'm going to do. I don't know whether to try it again or just wait until I process this.