About blaming the abuse victim, blaming them for staying or for even getting involved:

There is usually some rationalization for blaming the victim, most commonly, that the victim could have escaped the situation or avoided it in the first place.

Victims may or may not be benefited by concrete assistance, but validation of their experiences are essential for sanity and growth. The tendency to blame survivors has some additional elements:

• Failure to recognize the simple fact that attempting to leave a relationship is blocked or punished by the primary aggressor most of the time. Someone who has not experienced this may have trouble imagining this.
• Confusion with the "duty to mitigate damages" from contract law. Abuse is not just a breach of contract, and human relationships are not subject to contract law!
• Confusion of submission with consent.
• Confusion of tolerance with consent. Most people endure some meanness from their partners because they consider it an aberration that won't be repeated. The systematic nature of domestic violence only becomes clear over time.
• Survivors blame themselves for the abuse (this is victim self-blaming). They of course are aided in this by the primary aggressor who is constantly blaming them. Therefore, they for a long time stay in the relationship and try to change their own behavior to end the abuse. When and if they retroactively reframe the experience as abusive, they deserve validation, even if they stayed "when something was wrong."
• Final clarity by a survivor that the relationship is abusive and unworkable can not be retro-actively applied to earlier in the relationship when the survivor was bewildered about what was happening.
• Even where the survivor recognizes the abuse and its inevitability, she may stay in a relationship because it appears to be (and may in fact be) her best option in life considering the difficulties and lack of support she faces alone. Where all options are bad, a choice does not constitute consent to the the downsides of any option chosen, rather just acquiescence. If later, better options arise, validation is warranted about abuse when options were all poor.
• The effects of abuse (confusion, low self-esteem, bitterness, lessened sensitivity to danger, etc..(many more)) are erroneously attributed to the survivor as personal characteristics that lead her to "choose" the abusive situation.

Staying where there has been abuse does not constitute consent or permission for the abuse!

Survivors of abuse need validation, comfort, compassion, understanding and most of all, to rebuild a sense of value, of self, of self esteem and self worth.

Victim blaming in no way shape or form helps the victim of abuse to heal. All it does is make one feel that much worse, for having fallen for an abuser.

Abusers can be MOST charming, they can lay it on THICK in the beginning, they can be MOST LOVING, and then change over time.... abuse can be extremely insidious, and not obvious at first.

So people who try and blame the victim for even getting involved with an abuser to begin with are barking up the wrong tree. ANYONE can fall for an abusive personality. That is written in psychology articles and books. Even the most intelligent and accomplished people can fall victim.

I do not like hearing, stop being the victim... that does NOT help the healing process after abuse. When someone has endured abuse, they ARE a victim, and they were victimized. Like I said, the victim needs validation and to rebuild their sense of self worth again and value.... not made to feel awful and stupid for having gotten involved.

People on here, on PC, who are trying to "help" may not be helping at all, and in fact, may be making things worse for the victim.

So please keep all of this mind, while you are trying to support an abuse victim.

[Travelinglady]

Thanks for the post!

"What is probably the biggest barrier to spotting potential for abuse early on, though, is an abuser typically hides behind a façade of public charm, said Nancy Virden, a mental health and recovery advocate and founder of Always the Fight Ministries in Cleveland. “Abusers believe they are right and entitled to admiration. Publicly, they present as put-together, fit into the environment around them and often pass as the nicest, if not the most honest, guy in the room.”

That charm makes it easy to court someone. Virden says it may morph into power and control over a partner."

I am NOT saying that warning signs of potential abuse cannot be detected. THEY CAN. And there are definitely red flags of potential abuse that are documented.

What I AM saying is that all too often, most abuse victims gloss over or don't think much or are unaware of these red flags... therefore, as is most typical, the warning signs get dismissed and/or glossed over in the name of romance and in the face of "love blinders"....

And what I am saying is that 20/20 is always perfect vision in hindsight.

I am NOT saying that we cannot learn about the warning signs in order to avoid a potential abuser....

What I AM saying is that the victim of abuse should never be blamed for having found themselves within an abusive relationship.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

"What is probably the biggest barrier to spotting potential for abuse early on, though, is an abuser typically hides behind a façade of public charm, said Nancy Virden, a mental health and recovery advocate and founder of Always the Fight Ministries in Cleveland. “Abusers believe they are right and entitled to admiration. Publicly, they present as put-together, fit into the environment around them and often pass as the nicest, if not the most honest, guy in the room.”

That charm makes it easy to court someone. Virden says it may morph into power and control over a partner."

This was my family, especially my parents. No one would believe the abuse going on at my home. And I presented as this perfect, high-achieving kid. No one suspected a thing. But I'm not making it up. My mom is much better now, and my stepdad talks about the abuse that my father did to my mother and he completely believes and could see that it was happening, the abuse to me. He sees it now even. His validation, without having seen it, has meant a lot to my healing.

Everyone else in my family (besides mom and stepdad) denies any abuse. And maybe that's because they don't know any better. Maybe they honestly think that's normal and healthy for people.

Doesn't matter what they thought. It was abuse. And it wasn't my fault. And no one knew or would have suspected because my dad comes off as a really nice guy and caring father in public. He wasn't. He's not.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

This was my family, especially my parents. No one would believe the abuse going on at my home. And I presented as this perfect, high-achieving kid. No one suspected a thing. But I'm not making it up. My mom is much better now, and my stepdad talks about the abuse that my father did to my mother and he completely believes and could see that it was happening, the abuse to me. He sees it now even. His validation, without having seen it, has meant a lot to my healing.

Everyone else in my family (besides mom and stepdad) denies any abuse. And maybe that's because they don't know any better. Maybe they honestly think that's normal and healthy for people.

Doesn't matter what they thought. It was abuse. And it wasn't my fault. And no one knew or would have suspected because my dad comes off as a really nice guy and caring father in public. He wasn't. He's not.

Seesaw

I hear you!!!! That is soooo very common... that the abuse is denied, that the abusers AND the victim present themselves well in public and/or otherwise... this is what is so awful about the reality of abuse. It is so often not even witnessed..... thank goodness you had a stepfather who validated the experience..... we need the validation.

No, it most certainly was NOT your fault. HUGS.

[Pat2019]

Thank you very much for this post! You have made some very powerful observations about victims! I have saved this post for future reference for whenever I deny the abuse that I have received, which I sometimes do.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

"What is probably the biggest barrier to spotting potential for abuse early on, though, is an abuser typically hides behind a façade of public charm, said Nancy Virden, a mental health and recovery advocate and founder of Always the Fight Ministries in Cleveland.

Thanks for the link. Nowadays I am very careful who to share information with, in order to protect myself from being re-traumatized.

Originally Posted by ennie

Thanks for the link. Nowadays I am very careful who to share information with, in order to protect myself from being re-traumatized.

That's good, ennie, and very important! Smart of you.

[Misery Business]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Survivors of abuse need validation, comfort, compassion, understanding and most of all, to rebuild a sense of value, of self, of self esteem and self worth.

Victim blaming in no way shape or form helps the victim of abuse to heal. All it does is make one feel that much worse, for having fallen for an abuser.

Abusers can be MOST charming, they can lay it on THICK in the beginning, they can be MOST LOVING, and then change over time.... abuse can be extremely insidious, and not obvious at first.

So people who try and blame the victim for even getting involved with an abuser to begin with are barking up the wrong tree. ANYONE can fall for an abusive personality. That is written in psychology articles and books. Even the most intelligent and accomplished people can fall victim.

I do not like hearing, stop being the victim... that does NOT help the healing process after abuse. When someone has endured abuse, they ARE a victim, and they were victimized. Like I said, the victim needs validation and to rebuild their sense of self worth again and value.... not made to feel awful and stupid for having gotten involved.

People on here, on PC, who are trying to "help" may not be helping at all, and in fact, may be making things worse for the victim.

So please keep all of this mind, while you are trying to support an abuse victim.

Thank You sooooooooo much for this. You said this perfectly.

Originally Posted by Pat2019

Thank you very much for this post! You have made some very powerful observations about victims! I have saved this post for future reference for whenever I deny the abuse that I have received, which I sometimes do.

You're welcome! I'm glad it helped!!!

Originally Posted by Misery Business

Thank You sooooooooo much for this. You said this perfectly.

TY! It needs to be said.

[Open Eyes]

The thing to remember about toxic people is they don't WANT to see reality, they NEED to see things in a way where they have the CONTROL. They can be nice as long as they are getting things to go THEIR WAY. They like to see things where the positives could not happen without THEM too. So it's always someone else's fault when there are problems. It's the other person who is wrong not THEM.

I had/have been dealing with an older sister that I have discussed who could ONLY see things her way, needed ALL the control and would literally go into RAGES when things did not go HER WAY. Once someone goes into a rage it's ALL EMOTION and NO logic. That's when everything is run by the amygdala that pumps all the energy into fight mode where the frontal logical part of the brain is not functioning. It's a "blind" anger. For myself, it got to the point where if my sister "felt" her obsessive control was threatened she would go into a rage and did not even care WHO was there that could be frightened by her.

Often the response to that is "just ignore, don't allow" statements which can make it VERY hard for the victim in that often these very statements come from individuals who have not personally experienced this person who needs things to go their way otherwise they go into one of their rages not caring who is there seeing it happen.

If you experience a person who has a tendency to rage like this you can actually see their eyes glass over, it's like this person suddenly is not "there" . This is EXACTLY what is actually happening in their brain where it's suddenly being run by their amygdala that is pumping their body into fight mode and their logical part of their brain basically shuts down. You can actually see it in their body as well, and often the reaction from most normal human beings is to want to get away from this individual. Engaging a person who blows up like this only makes things worse in that the individual is at a point where all they are operating off of is anger (emotion) and logic isn't happening as that area of the brain is over ridden by all the emotion and anger.

What I have noticed about this state of mind is the raging individual wants a reaction so they can engage in "fight" and literally blow off all the buildup they are experiencing that is pumping them up with adreneline. I had to be the one who stayed calm and create distance, yet, even when I chose to do that my sister would come after me NEEDING to release her built up anger STILL not even being logical where a normal person would choose NOT to display this behavior in front of others.

[Open Eyes]

What I posted above might not seem like it goes along with the topic. I meant to post more but I was too triggered. Lot's of flashes came forward where I was raged at and no one stepped up to help me and even looked at me like it was "my fault" it happened when I myself was frozen not knowing what to do. Yet, I also get the urge to run and get away from it. When experiencing someone who loses it and rages at you with that glossed over look in their eyes IT'S VERY SCAREY. When I talk about it and people respond with "just ignore, and don't give her power or don't allow" statements it FEELS like these people are blaming me for how it affects me when they have not experienced it first hand directed at them. Especially when it comes to trying to calmly walk away and this crazed individual literally follows me or chases after me. Suddenly this other individual needs ME to become their DAMIT DOLL and this anger is ALL THAT PERSON SEES.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Especially when it comes to trying to calmly walk away and this crazed individual literally follows me or chases after me. Suddenly this other individual needs ME to become their DAMIT DOLL and this anger is ALL THAT PERSON SEES.

Thank you for sharing, Open Eyes.

Some people have had the fortune of never having to be in a close contact with "abnormal" people. So they deny any unordinary behaviors by saying that you must have misunderstood/ misconceived the situation, or that you are being paranoid. Like you said, they have not experienced it firsthand.

[Open Eyes]

And for those who say "just ignore her, don't give her the power, just go see your parents anyway"? I did that and my sister came into that nursing home and seeing me got so angry and her behavior escalated scaring my mother and she literally chased after me and pushed open a side door and yelled at me to get the hell out and telling me I am NOT ALLOWED. She was the one behaving badly and an employee walked by and looked at me in an angry way saying to take "this" outside when I did nothing. (both my parents passed away this year).

I tend to get responses of "well it would not bother me, I would just, etc." which totally dismisses what I had to REALLY deal with.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The thing to remember about toxic people is they don't WANT to see reality, they NEED to see things in a way where they have the CONTROL. They can be nice as long as they are getting things to go THEIR WAY. They like to see things where the positives could not happen without THEM too. So it's always someone else's fault when there are problems. It's the other person who is wrong not THEM.

This really sums up the toxic people in my life.

[Open Eyes]

For someone who has suffered from a toxic abusive and controlling individual, that person was very disrespected. So, when the person talks about how they were abused and suffered, it's important that person get RESPECTED for their hurt instead of being dismissed in some way simply because the person they are reaching out to or happens to hear their challenge decides that if it's not important to them, something they never experienced that it's not worth respecting. So, in fact what a victim ends up with is a double wammy of being disrespected twice. So, in effect, this is what victim blaming means where someone is very challenged and hurt by someone who was very disrespectful and when they try to reach out for support or help they end up with statements that are not helpful, can even be disRESPECTFUL as if to play down and dismiss how they were treated so badly. Actually, it can even encourage this person to experience even more shame than they are already suffering from in that they somehow failed to stop the abuse from taking place in the first place.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I tend to get responses of "well it would not bother me, I would just, etc." which totally dismisses what I had to REALLY deal with.

Exactly. This person's behavior doesn't affect just your feelings but has real-life impacts, such as: Compromised reputation, disruption of relationships, loss of finances, etc.

These impacts are beyond feelings of being bothered.

[sarahsweets]

I think something else related to this topic is you do not have to tolerate people that victim blame and shame. You do not need to stay in relationships with them if they do not support you or have your best interests at heart.

[Open Eyes]

What is important to pay attention to is how much emotional baggage another person tries to dump on you. Often a person who wants to be good is helpful and caring and often it's this kind of person that others take advantage of where they begin to slowly dump their emotional baggage on the nice person. Life lessons tend to teach a person that carrying someone elses emotional baggage doesn't help to empower you or even gain you respect. Often someone is expected from an early age to carry a parent's emotional baggage and always please the parent or is expected to see dysfuntional interactions between their parents and stay quiet. So, not realizing it a child can develop the mindset that they have to carry the emotional baggage of others. A child can actually become very confused about what "respect" really means. This can make it harder on a person who struggles when they are disrespected into thinking they are the one at fault when someone else comes along and disrespects them. The truth is that there are lots of people out there that really do NOT know how to respect, they genuinely never learned what it means to respect others. It's always important to remember that just because another person doesn't show you respect it never means you don't deserve it.

[Fuzzybear]

Good post (((((((( OE )))))))))

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

What is important to pay attention to is how much emotional baggage another person tries to dump on you. Often a person who wants to be good is helpful and caring and often it's this kind of person that others take advantage of where they begin to slowly dump their emotional baggage on the nice person. Life lessons tend to teach a person that carrying someone elses emotional baggage doesn't help to empower you or even gain you respect. Often someone is expected from an early age to carry a parent's emotional baggage and always please the parent or is expected to see dysfuntional interactions between their parents and stay quiet. So, not realizing it a child can develop the mindset that they have to carry the emotional baggage of others. A child can actually become very confused about what "respect" really means. This can make it harder on a person who struggles when they are disrespected into thinking they are the one at fault when someone else comes along and disrespects them. The truth is that there are lots of people out there that really do NOT know how to respect, they genuinely never learned what it means to respect others. It's always important to remember that just because another person doesn't show you respect it never means you don't deserve it.

[Fuzzybear]

Good post golden eve Thanks for this thread

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Survivors of abuse need validation, comfort, compassion, understanding and most of all, to rebuild a sense of value, of self, of self esteem and self worth.

Victim blaming in no way shape or form helps the victim of abuse to heal. All it does is make one feel that much worse, for having fallen for an abuser.

Abusers can be MOST charming, they can lay it on THICK in the beginning, they can be MOST LOVING, and then change over time.... abuse can be extremely insidious, and not obvious at first.

So people who try and blame the victim for even getting involved with an abuser to begin with are barking up the wrong tree. ANYONE can fall for an abusive personality. That is written in psychology articles and books. Even the most intelligent and accomplished people can fall victim.

I do not like hearing, stop being the victim... that does NOT help the healing process after abuse. When someone has endured abuse, they ARE a victim, and they were victimized. Like I said, the victim needs validation and to rebuild their sense of self worth again and value.... not made to feel awful and stupid for having gotten involved.

People on here, on PC, who are trying to "help" may not be helping at all, and in fact, may be making things worse for the victim.

So please keep all of this mind, while you are trying to support an abuse victim.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

About blaming the abuse victim, blaming them for staying or for even getting involved:

There is usually some rationalization for blaming the victim, most commonly, that the victim could have escaped the situation or avoided it in the first place.

Victims may or may not be benefited by concrete assistance, but validation of their experiences are essential for sanity and growth. The tendency to blame survivors has some additional elements:

I find it ironic that people think a “tough love” approach is an acceptable way of “helping “ a victim or survivor. The “I told you so’s” seem endless both said and unsaid. Since when did shaming , scolding, blaming ever help anyone ever ? A victim doesn’t choose to be one. It’s not like they wake up one day and say “ today I think I will get in a relationship with an abuser”. Abuse is pervasive and sneaky. Abusers either trick you into believing them and their lies or they outright attack you.

• Failure to recognize the simple fact that attempting to leave a relationship is blocked or punished by the primary aggressor most of the time. Someone who has not experienced this may have trouble imagining this.
• Confusion with the "duty to mitigate damages" from contract law. Abuse is not just a breach of contract, and human relationships are not subject to contract law!
• Confusion of submission with consent.
• Confusion of tolerance with consent. Most people endure some meanness from their partners because they consider it an aberration that won't be repeated. The systematic nature of domestic violence only becomes clear over time.
• Survivors blame themselves for the abuse (this is victim self-blaming). They of course are aided in this by the primary aggressor who is constantly blaming them. Therefore, they for a long time stay in the relationship and try to change their own behavior to end the abuse. When and if they retroactively reframe the experience as abusive, they deserve validation, even if they stayed "when something was wrong."
• Final clarity by a survivor that the relationship is abusive and unworkable can not be retro-actively applied to earlier in the relationship when the survivor was bewildered about what was happening.
• Even where the survivor recognizes the abuse and its inevitability, she may stay in a relationship because it appears to be (and may in fact be) her best option in life considering the difficulties and lack of support she faces alone. Where all options are bad, a choice does not constitute consent to the the downsides of any option chosen, rather just acquiescence. If later, better options arise, validation is warranted about abuse when options were all poor.
• The effects of abuse (confusion, low self-esteem, bitterness, lessened sensitivity to danger, etc..(many more)) are erroneously attributed to the survivor as personal characteristics that lead her to "choose" the abusive situation.

Staying where there has been abuse does not constitute consent or permission for the abuse!

Especially as it pertains to physical abuse, when you live in fear and are threatened daily and harmed you are afraid for your life ! Of course it’s not easy to leave. And leave where ? People always say go to a shelter- assuming one is nearby and has room and allows your pets or children. Leave all your possessions to be destroyed by the abuser. You don’t want to go to family because the abuser know where your family lives. If you share finances the abuser may have all the money. There is no tough love with victims. They have it tough enough.

5 Victim-Shaming Myths That Harm Abuse and Trauma Survivors and Encourage Spiritual Bypassing