[SweetCrusader]

i'm in an abuse & neglect class, and we watched videos all night tonight. one after another. showed spanking. showed scars. showed a kid who was talking about her mom hurting her. it was so triggering. i'm so sad. i felt hate, and sorrow, and sooo much anxiety. i feel like a scared child tonight. i want to hurt myself really bad. i have to do homework and i can't. i'm so scared. i'm so mad. i'm so sad.

i am not as eloquent about this stuff when i'm in such a state. sorry if i sound stupid

i hurt...

angela

[dalila]

I can't imagine having to watch such movies one after the other. You are to be commended for having even made it through such a day. I am sorry you had to experience that, I have been extremely triggery since my last therapy session although I was a bit of a mess before it. So I can relate somewhat. Take some time and do something just for you -- a comforting bubble bath or some comfort food. whatever it is that helps you feel grounded and complete. BTW congrats on having a full range of emotions, I still don't.

~D~

[SweetCrusader]

full range of emotions! lol!!! my T would laugh good and hard at that. i don't have them. but i had flashes of them tonight stronger than i can remember having since childhood. they are long since gone, now though. that didn't take long!

anyway, thanks for your understanding. i'm back to being pleasantly numb and unaffected. which is sorta bad, but good for now i think! considering i have no one here to help me!!

Angela

[ktp]

Angela:

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) if you want them.

Don't feel too bad for dissociating. I do it all the time too. Not exactly healthy but it's better than feeling everything at once, and the consequences of not being able to cope in that way.

I had a really bad night the other night and was grappling with some of the same issues you were fighting with but I made it through, though I don't know how. I just couldn't do it. Sometimes I hate my mother. Right now, numb and unaffected feels pretty darn good

Sorry that I turned this into a "me" post.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I sure hope you start feeling better soon. You help alot of people on here (including me) with your posts and btw: your post didn't sound stupid. It sounded like the truth....

Take Care

Kimberly

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks, Kimberly! (That is my little sister's name, by the way) (((hugs))) back.

Don't EVER worry about turning your responses to me into a "me" post. I do that sometimes, too. And personally, I prefer it that way. It feels good to know when you are not alone, doesn't it? Although I am sorry that anyone knows what it's like.

Angela

[wisewoman]

Hello, I read your post yesterday and didn't think of anything helpful to say but now I have so better late then never. When I was first trying to figure out how to deal with myself I was much older then you. I didn't know that what was happening was that I was having overwhelming feelings and flashbacks and would dissociate, Si or something else. I would just feel something overwhelming and be frightened. So for you, at your sweet young age to have such a self understanding of your triggers etc is pretty darn cool. You would not be human if you didn't respond emotionally to what you saw. That it triggered old feelings in you is very normal and healthy. That you recognized it and reached out with it shows you are processing it so that it won't stay with you and effect you in today ways. If you didn't see that then you might react inappropriately to a client when you eventually are doing the work you wish to do. You will always have to process and discuss the feelings that come up for you. You are healthy. or getting there quickly. Not sure I know anyone healthy. You done good girl!

[SweetCrusader]

Wow! Thank you so much, ww!! Your words mean a lot to me.

I do consider myself lucky that I was able to know people in my life (particularly my T) who could teach me about myself, and help me grow. I stumbled upon all of this stuff on accident, just taking an intro psych course for general ed when I was an English major. I am SOOO glad that I did. It has changed my life so drastically. I really am fortunate. And I do hope that all the hard work I'm putting in, not just in school, but in my own life, will benefit others when it's my turn to be the T.

Thanks again for your kind words!

((((((wisewoman))))))

Angela

[mandala]

Hi, SC,

I am sorry you were so upset by the movies. I hope that your teacher made it clear you could leave at any time... I had a soc class where that stuff was shown and I had to leave. But the teacher had made it clear that it was ok to do so. (Although maybe she didn't expect anyone to take her up on it!)

Anyway, hang in there, it's very triggering stuff.

((((sc)))))

[SweetCrusader]

Mandala,

my teacher was not even there. he was out of the country, so he showed videos in place of a lecture. he didn't tell us we could leave, so i was worried i would miss some information that we needed for the exam we have Thursday. i think he should've made it clear that the material was potentially triggering and we could leave at any time. i think i'm pretty much past it, at least for the time being. but it wasn't a good experience.

thanks for your input and kind words! (((((mandala)))))

Angela