[tearless]

I really haven't told much of my story here or anywhere else. To paraphrase, I was abused by my brothers from the ages of 8-12. It wasn't until starting therapy for depression that I learned what an impact it had on the person I am today. I have a very caring therapist for the past 16 months and I'm pretty sure that I trust her and feel totally safe when I'm with her.

During these months of therapy I have made some progress as far as expressing myself. However, I also know that I have been severely depressed the past few weeks and because of this, I am spending more time zoned out and disassociated from myself. I brought in something I wrote that explained all this to her. But, she seemed to bypass all that and suggest that it's time that I give her details of the abuse so that I can become desensitized from the trauma. Then she went on to tell me we have tried everything else and that my saying the words is the only thing left.

I just feel like I'm not in a good place right now to talk about it any further. Even when I try to speak, nothing comes out. My hesitation is that I will be re-traumatized or I won't say the right words, making it sound not as bad as it was. My first instinct was to run from her and the whole therapy process. But I hate to think of all these months of therapy wasted because of my fears.

So now I feel angry with my t. I feel betrayed. And I am terrified that if I don't follow through with going in to detail, she'll either give up on me or I'll give up on myself. She did tell me that it was my choice to give the gory details. But even so, I feel like because she is suggesting strongly that it would be best, that I'll let her down if I don't. I don't want to fail therapy.

Thanks for any help you can offer.

Do you think you could show you post to your T so you two could talk about it? Even just the last pararaph. I know that mine is good at calming my concerns when I raise them.

My concern is that when I say those words, she'll think it wasn't that bad and wonder what I've been so darn upset about. I tend to compare myself to others and minimize my own pain because I know what I went through was nothing in comparison to what others have had to bear.

I guess I need to follow my own advice, huh?

[ktp]

tearless - I really think you should print your post and show it to your therapist. You were comfortable with her so far, so just try to gather the courage to show it to her. I know it must be extremely difficult for you, on top of everything else.Your concerns are worthwhile. I wish you luck !

[SweetCrusader]

Your t is right that you will need to talk about the things that happened if you're going to get past them. But you also have to do this when YOU are ready. One of the keys to doing trauma work (processing through your abuse issues) is learning to trust your own psyche to guide you and protect you. So it is important that you do things when they feel right in your own timing. However, that doesn't mean it won't be scary to say things, even when the timing is right! I've been there!

I wish you the best of luck!!

Angela (SC)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Your T might be on the right track with this even though it's scary and you are afraid of the risks. You however have to go at your own pace. If you aren't comfortable yet dicussing certain things then you do not have too. But if it's avoidance because you are afraid to tell then that needs to be looked at. For me the more I talked about it the easier it got for me. YES it was hard and I did get alot of triggers and flashbacks, but it did in the long run help me to heal, and to recovery completely from PTSD.

Time heals, talking helps you get there, I wouldn't be saying this unless it was true. I know it's hard, but it does need to be discussed, but at your own pace.

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[tearless]

Sorry it took me so long to thank all of you for your replies. It really helped.

I did speak with T about my fears. She already knew, but I answered a lot of my questions. I guess I was feeling pressure because she recently told me that I was taking longer than most of her clients. I have a way of twisting everything that is said to me and I heard it differently. What I don't understand about the time thing is that I've heard many people say they've been in therapy for years and years before healing takes place. But, I can't expect to be in therapy with her for that long. I go to a community agency and pay next to nothing to see her. Also, this agency specializes in sexual trauma and there is a waiting list. Maybe my time is running out.

Anyways, last session I told her I'd write as much as I could about my memories and ended up doing just that. It was painful, but maybe I'll get a pat on the back from her. I mailed it to her because I hate when she reads what I write in front of her. So now I just have to face her next week after knowing what I told her.

My motivation was that she said that some people feel a sense of relief when it's told. It hasn't happened yet (ok, so I might be a little impatient).

Otherwise, my life is crumbling around me. Time is running out and I'm pretty sure what the end of the story is gonna be.

Thanks again.

[wisewoman]

Have patience with yourself

what is the end of the story? that makes me think you are not really giving yourself a chance. It's hard stuff and you really can't push it. Please be kind to yourself.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Don't feel bad about taking more time when coming to terms with this and talking about this. There is no set time. So your therapist I believe was in the wrong for telling you that. There is no set time in therapy at all. There is no deadline.

It took me 8 yrs of therapy ect to heal, some people it takes shorter, some people much much longer. Everyone needs to go at their own pace, and do what is most comfortable for them. Recovery is a slow process, again there is no set time, no deadline for recovery.

I felt a sense of release once I got all my problems out and talked about it. It was painful, it was hard, it was stressful and it did give me alot of triggers and flashbacks, but getting out in the long run does help. Writting it out has helped me as well, I've been doing that for 8 years with my psychiarist and had her read things, I still do that and it gets it out on the table. When you meet your therapist about this is going to be stressful, but at the end of the session i'm sure that you will be glad to get it out. It will feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Don't look at this as a negative then, but a postive thing, steps towards recovery.

[SweetCrusader]

That must have been really hard to tell her everything, even in a letter. You were so brave to do that!

When will you see her again, and talk about it? Be sure and keep us posted on how it goes and how you are feeling after, ok?

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! Safe hugs if you want them: (((((tearless)))))

Angela

[tearless]

I shoulda never said anything. trust is bad

[SweetCrusader]

Oh no!

I take it things didn't go well? Do you want to talk about it? (I understand if you don't)

(((safe hugs)))) <-- ONLY IF YOU WANT THEM

Angela

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Trust isn't bad, but trust is hard. It takes alot to trust someone about this kind of thing.

If you did tell you therapist and feel worse doesn't mean that it wasn't the right decision. Talking about it can be depressing, can trigger a person or let them recall certain things about the events that they have forgotten. But the more it is talked about the easier it will become, the first few sessions regarding this is always the hardest.

[tearless]

I'm having a really difficult time. I will see T tomorrow. There's other issues unrelated that are really weighing me down. Not a great time to expose the truth.

I was triggered yesterday by a dream (nightmare) dealing with abandonment and rejection by my T. I woke up with a panic attack that pretty much lasted most of the evening. The only way to get through it is to fight myself to stay numb. It's just not working anymore.

T eventually called me last night (she took longer than normal to return my call and I feared the worse). She knew by my voice message that I was in a bad place. I want to believe that she really cares but at this point I'm fighting it. She knows the truth now and I'm afraid what she will do with it.

Maybe I wasn't ready to tell the details? I remembered more than I thought I did. I tried to keep myself distracted from the truth, but other life stressors got in the way. It's all too much right now.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

You know what may have triggered the nightmare surrounding your T rejecting you could be just the fear of it happening. Seeking help, thinking that this will be a good postive expierence, the fear that something might go wrong, that it's too good to be true?

Does that make sense?

Sometimes T's just take awhile to get back, my psychiatrist can take up to a week to get back to me sometimes.

As for talking about details, no one is really ready to be honest, you have to look at it as something that needs to be done so you can start the healing process.

[tearless]

I met with T today. She asked if I wanted to talk about what I wrote. My first response was "no!!". And that was it.

She knows have a hard time expressing myself verbally, so she suggested we try collaging - finding words & pictures to describe my feelings of a particular subject. I even struggled with that. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and not be seen.

I regret now not talking about it. I didn't need to discuss the details, I just needed to hear from her that it was ok to tell and she's not leaving.

When is it going to get easier?

[SweetCrusader]

((((safe hugs)))) <-- if you want them

i don't know the answer to that. we all do things on our own schedule. i personally am still in the phase where it's darn near impossible to talk about my feelings about it. even though T knows pretty much all of it, i still can't do the talking thing very well. of course, i can't feel the feelings in therapy at all. they come over me when i'm alone. T says that's because it's safer there.

i think it becomes easier with trust, though. i do think i'm making a lot of progress, and my T thinks so, too.

i think you should tell your T that you just need to know she's not going away, and that everything will be ok. that will help you feel safer and trust her more, i think. and you might have to ask her to tell you that again and again. i know i've had to have my T tell me over and over again things like that.

best wishes and warm thoughts!! keep posting any time you want to talk about it, ok? i'll be here.

Angela

[Maya]

I agree that trust is hard and talking about it is hard. So many of my early childhood memories are gone from the danger and abuse of childhood. One of the first things I wrote for my T was how hard it is to trust someone but I was a place where I either had to trust and get help or die. I chose to get the help. It has been very, very hard but I do trust my T - he has always been there for me and for his other patients, as well. I write him pages and pages every week which he reads between sessions and we discuss things in them that he feels I have avoided. I have the right to say, no, to discuss things if I am not ready. I am fortunate in that many of my old horror memories come back to me when I am in his office (a safe place for me) so he can help me deal with them. Childhood abuse is so destructive to our psyche - it is insidious (at least for me) because it caused me to form a place where "I" go to escape and that part of me is not accessible to me somehow. Anyway, however painful the memories are, it helps to get them out and be able to deal with them. To understand (at first, simply to be told) that you are not to blame - that you are the victim of the abuse - that you did nothing wrong. It takes a while to come to actually believe that (I am still not certain I believe it 100% but I am getting there). When the time is right you will talk about it. In the meantime, talk with your T (or write about it) about your fear of being abandoned by him (her?). I have had the same nightmare and have written it for him, over and over. I think those nightmares and fears are very common to all of us who have been abused and abandoned in childhood.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

IT will get easier, the more you talk about it the easier it will be. It takes time to be able to be comfortable talking about it, I am not even comfortable with it still I tend to talk fast like I'm trying to get it all out at once. I let my psychiarist read what I have written and then she gets the ball rolling, I get nervous and what not but the more it happens the easier it is to do.

It took me almost 2 yrs to write stuff down and bring it into her, it wasn't easy and I was in denial alot of the time, but I knew this was something that was eating me up and I had to talk about it before it took over my life and it almost did for 8 years straight.

It's hard now, it always is at the begining but it does get easier.

[SweetCrusader]

Mars: I am so jealous that your terrible memories come up when you are with your T. Mine will NOT. I forget everything. And when T tries to get me feeling about it, it's darn near impossible. But when I'm at home, sometimes it comes back. I even get scared of the dark sometimes, just like I was a kid. And I feel very unsafe. Then I was my T was there.

Sundance: I do the exact same thing. I talk really fast, and I don't let T get a word in edgewise! That's when I'm really, really nervous

[Severina]

<font color="purple"> </font> I feel for you hun. I know how hard it is to talk about the memories. When they first would come back to me, I had to tell them in the third person, ie. There was this girl and they did this to her, etc. I guess it distanced me from it enough to get it out. Once I was accustomed to it, later it got easier to make it me, but its still hard. I don't even like to think about it, and when I do tell someone what happened, there is always this voice in me that says, "liar, you must be making this up. You don't know for sure that that really happened." As for taking a long time, if one is going to be functional in everyday life, they have to go slow with this stuff. You can only handle stuff a little at a time or you may end up curled up in a corner somewhere unable to do any thing. Thats why it has taken me so long. I've been in therapy for 7 1/2 yrs, now, 2 1/2 yrs ago, I found out that I had DID on top of my PTSD and severe depression, so that complicated the picture considerably and I don't know if I will ever be done. You take as much time as you need. If this therapist isn't willing to do this with you, you may just need to find someone who will. I know its hard when funds are limited. Good luck and God bless.

Severina