[Twilightzone]

So I fell in love with Stevie Nicks. Not only that I started to look differrently at the girls at school. But..... Brian was in a gang and they used the beat up gay people and were proud of it. And I thought the devil had finally got a hold on me so I was hiding it. Until one night.... after dinner I went to my room to drool over my Stevie posters and my heart started pumping like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I started sweating, It felt ,like I couldn't breath, there was a tennis ball in my throat. I couldn't breath!!!! I was dieing heeeeelp. I came out of my room screaming for help. My Mom felt my pulse and said that it was too fast (add fuel to the fire), my Dad said:"She needs some fresh air" but my Mom called a cab and we went to the ER. They did some tests, my heart was fine but the doctor recommended more Valium. On the way back home I told her that I thought I was a lesbian. She said:"So??? As long as you're happy, I'm happy". Oh my God, what a relief, the devil didn't get me after all. Mom said it was fine so %#@&#! the devil. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brian made sarcastic jokes, Tommy didn't say anything at all and my sister told me:"No matter who you are, I will always love you". I didn't care, I was just happy that I could be who I needed to be. I told a girl at school that I was in love with her..... Bad move, she turned me down flat. Not only that, she told her whole class about it and I was treated like a paria. I went from the most popular because I made jokes all the time to a nobody.
Two year later my Mom died. Turned out she had ovarian cancer and she died within 2 months. She went into the hospital in June and died in August. That period was so strange for me, like it wasn't my Mom who died. I was the only one left at home and my Dad and I didn't exactly see eye to eye to say the least. OK, I hated him. It's bad, it's cruel to say but I did hate him. And guess what?? He hated me too. After my Mom it didn't take him long to throw me out. I had nothing, just the clothes on my back and some change in my pocket. But I had a very good friend who opened her door for me. We're not friends anymore but I'll never forget what she did for me, she gave a roof over my head.
By the time I was 23 I was so hooked on Valium and alcohol that I was partying every night. In other words I went out every night. And then I met her.... Mandy..... At that time she was the love of my life, I devoted myself to her, I was hers all the way, she was my first love.... and she took advantage of me. I was so gullible that when she said:"I've met someone else, please give me some time to spend with her. I'd always come back to you", I said:"OK, take as long as you need". But after 2 months I couldn't take it anymore. She left me alone with her 3 year old son, I took care of him. All in all were together for 6 months and she pretty much ruined lesbianism for me. She broke my heart, not only that: she asked to move in with her and I did, I gave up everything, even my cat. When I left her I had nothing but a b/w tv, a stereo, a phone and a floor lamp. I didn't even have a bed. But I had friends so one donated a mattress, another blankets and sheets and so on. Little by little I gathered stuff. I was heart broken but at least I had a roof over my head.
In 1988 by chance, I met Stevie Nicks. The sweetest person you can ever meet, so funny and sincere. We talked for hours and all my 'in love feelings' were gone. We had a lot of things in common and we shared the sense of humor but that was about it.
I'm gonna take a big leap forward now to 1996, I was 33 and such a drinker. I only drank beer so at first I didn't think I was an alcoholic. It turned out that I was. Also I hadn't dealt with anything. The dead of my Granddad, my Mom, Mandy.... it was all buried. So after drinking for 16 years I went into rehab for 6 months. I met a man there. His name was Dirk and my gut feeling said there was 'something wrong' with him. I listened to my gut feeling for 6 months and I didn't find anything wrong with him. He was following me like a lost puppy, he always needed my help etc. When I finally comitted to him it was Dec. 24th. On Januray 10th we were drinking again and that's when he first hit me. I knew the scenario: he would call me the next day, cry, say that he was sorry etc. And that's exactly what happened. I was just stupid enough to take him back again.... and again.... and again. It came to a point that he beat me up so bad that my neighbors and my own doctor didn't even recognize me. He cheated on me several times and gave me a STD but I thought:"If this relationship doesn't work, nothing ever will" plus I had the feeling that I deserved it. My Dad had thrown me out, Mandy found other people more interesting and..... my Mom had died on me. She %#@&#! left me when I was just a kid, I didn't know or understand any of it. So I put him for almost 5 years, put up with his drug use, his lies, his cheating and the beatings. After all those years I finally mustered up the courage to leave. When I did he said he was gonna kill me. I just laughed and said:"I dare you". He didn't do anything but I filed charges for abuse. He served 8 months......
And then I met Peg in 2004..... what can I say? She's everything I've ever wanted, she's the love of my life. She had it rough for a few years because I didn't trust her (I didn't trust anyone) but we're doing great now. We have a Jack Russell named Shakes and we've been together for almost 4 years.
Yes, I'm happy but there is a lot that I can't talk about, not even to Peg, or to myself. As for the drinking, I still drink but instead of every day it's once a week and as for Stevie Nicks she's still hot

[Nikki2000]

((((((((((((((((((Twilightzone))))))))))))))))))))

[Twilightzone]

Thank you, Nikki!!!!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((twilightzone))))

THank you for sharing. That took alot to share. I understand the abuse and running as a child. We ran every weekend from my stepfather for our lives before my mother would go back to him because he would make promises he would never keep. Being locked in closets and the fear there has brought so much anxiety that when I remember it today, I still cannot breath very well.

You have gone through alot but I wish you well. I am glad you are happy. Just know we are here when and if you are ever able and want to talk about anything.

cami

[Cyran0]

Twilightzone, I can really relate to a lot of the trouble you went through as a teen homosexual but really, I found your story to be inspirational. Is that odd?

Thanks for sharing this.

Cyran0

[Twilightzone]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
camilionwords1truth said:
((((twilightzone))))

THank you for sharing. That took alot to share. I understand the abuse and running as a child. We ran every weekend from my stepfather for our lives before my mother would go back to him because he would make promises he would never keep. Being locked in closets and the fear there has brought so much anxiety that when I remember it today, I still cannot breath very well.

You have gone through alot but I wish you well. I am glad you are happy. Just know we are here when and if you are ever able and want to talk about anything.

cami

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you so much. As you can see I skipped a lot of details because I can't talk about it yet. But I know what you're talking about: the promises.... They always promised it would get better and it never did. And my Dad always said he wanted to set me on my fire. Not anyone else, just me.
Being locked in that closet started it all, I think. To this day I need a light on in the bedroom. If I turn it off (and I've tried) I can't breathe, I start to panick.

[Twilightzone]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cyran0 said:
Twilightzone, I can really relate to a lot of the trouble you went through as a teen homosexual but really, I found your story to be inspirational. Is that odd?

Thanks for sharing this.

Cyran0

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't know if it's odd that my story is inspirational. If you want to write a book about it, let me know!!!!