It flares in every part of my life

I do not post often. I have spent my time raising a child whom I had for fourteen months. She was taken away from me a little over a month ago. I also spend my time with my quasi adult children and their crisis after crisis.

However, here is the hook. I was reacting to the emotional trash I was being slammed with from the foster care agency. We were ready to adopt this little girl. Bit by bit in the 2 months prior to their taking her away the people I dealt with were more and more abusive. Now of course I can smell the energy before I reach the door or answer the phone.

This whole thing has harmed me more then I have words for. My Baby MIGHT come home, I have an attorney who can now start working on that one. These people can act as they choose. I had a friend with me and she states that they were very abusive, that it seemed set up and that they all took turns knocking me to the ground. I don't work. I don't gather in groups, I have friends one to one because I can no longer deal with the way people act and the ptsd crap alerts to everything. I am being hypervigelent again, big time. Nightmares have made sleep impossible past 5:00 a.m. good, that means I am getting ready for her. I can't stand the tears and the fact that this is so much how I was treated as a child. Well now, no matter that they wouldn't say why they were taking her the licensing agency has cleared me. I have done nothing wrong. Now I want my child and when she is adopted I might feel safe enough to have a suit or work on reprimands for their behavior.

It just hurts, I am lonely, I am scared that I will have to deal with these people and that my old fight or flight reactions will kick in. Wish I could have the child back to whom I promised my motherhood for life, and be done with mean people.

I, too, cared for kids that I intended to mother my whole life & got them taken away, both of us, we have big hearts, I can tell....The positive is that you do have an attroney, right? I know what it feels like to be....'...slammed..' in many ways not just what happened with the kids I cared for I've been slammed other ways too and it hurts...

You sound so giving- spending time with adult children as well as the one you had for 14 months....update us, tell us more, I care........a lot of people do here....as you know....

I am glad that you posted, I have been worried about you... and I am so sorry and feel your pain to have your child ripped from you... and it would majorly trigger the PTSD... I also have that... and I used to worry and be hypervilgent about other people and their perceptions.. with my own son... because.. I was always worried about my ex.. ripping him away from me.. and he was my abuser... and the utlimate abuse would be to take my child away...

When you get her back.. you will feel so good.. your PTSD will start to relax.. I know it will.. I pray it will and I will keep you anf her in my thoughts...

Thanks to both of you. I am sorry that anyone has to know the pain of having a child ripped from them. And what of the child? Yes, here, sort of. It is like the written word is foreign to me. It is hard to write what I feel. I don't know what I feel half the time, I am heavy into not being here most of the time. And yet I imagine her return and the way I will do her room and the way to set her toys up. I want to have a big party after she has been home for a week or so. I want to bring out the real doll crib and not the plastic thing she has attached to the high chair and bath tub. So I need a wooden high chair for babies. I have a bathtub that really works. I know I want to surround her in beauty, real forever beauty. I want to give her something very special, these things are gone buried with one daughter and given to two others. So I will have to search. I can handle the meetings for the appeals for her being taken from my home because hubby and an attorney will be there. I just need her to come home so we can press cider and bake and do Halloween together. I want to watch her sled and even look forward to her fighting with me about bed, store treats, McDonalds. But I am also going to be easier. I will let her have more of the foods that make you fat and comfort you. I will relax on that. I want to build a play structure for her out back so she can swing and climb and jump. I want to see holidays come and go with her. I will even cook Turkey. And with her I will grow. I will see that I can be out and about in stores and at school. That will help the PTSD because I have done nothing since she has been gone. I shopped for food for the first time the day before yesterday and yes we were starving.

So okay, I missed those first days of school and picture day. I missed setting up her brand new outfits. I had planned on clipping them all together for each day. I missed all of that. All I can do is think positively that I will get my baby back. Please be positive with me. Help me complain and understand the PTSD stuff separate from her and my hope. Thankyou.

They are very separate.... and I did wonderful things with my son... that you plan on doing with her.. and it will be very natural... she as my son did.. made that so very easy..

PTSD will take care of itself.. I assure you...

update, it looks poorly right now. a lot of legal crap in the way and accusations. It hurts me to be accused of hurting a child.

I'm so sorry to hear the view of your chances is a poor one............

What is the legal crap that is in the way? And what on Earth are they accusing you of? My heart is with you, Junerain and I still am full of hope you will be decorating the child's room soon

She has been in foster care with us waiting for adoption. They took her away 6 days after I complained to the state that I had been verbally and emotionally abused by the agency during a meeting. I had a friend there who can verify more then I as I went away in my head and she heard more then I.I mean during the meeting as the PTSD drags me away. Anyway they said with my physical illnesses I couldn't parent, they thought I was not mentally stable, I was accused of breast feeding this 6 year old. Licensing went through with a fine tooth comb and a microscope and found a few things that I was in violation with but nothing serious. Now they are saying that licensing did not look at the breast feeding closely enough. ARGGGG I have been waiting so long. I am sick in my heart, I need to see her. So now we have an appeal with another district with our attorney representing us. The other district because ours can't be impartial. If we fail here it goes to the commishiner's office. I am not sure of next step except court and we surely can't pay. I am waiting to see if our mortgage refinance gets approved so that we can pay the attorney for the first two steps.

I am crazy must be. I mean what do these people think? I am fighting hard for a child with reactive attachment disorder. Why would we do this unless she was attaching and unless we loved her dearly?

Don't say you're crazy- don't be hard on yourself!! All you've got in this world is YOU ultimately....keep us updated, k? I can tell you love this child....and I'm sure the child loves you.......

Thanks Junerian, no, I am not crazy. I just want my child back. Now. Because my hubby has a conference and he is a presenter the first date for appeal has gone to the 25th. Soonest the attorney and the district director could meet with us since hubby is at the conference on the 19th. It makes me so sad. I want my baby back.

I've been following your story too, and I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to say other than just to send love and support.

Rap

I can't stand this, I am starting to be so scared and reacting like I am bad, hiding. I feel like a criminal. And I miss her so much. Lawyer wants a forensic psychologist to look at all of us but it cost $3600 and travel and testimony time. I had to tell her no, can't afford it. I feel so awful I want my baby, I need to look into other adoptions as I am losing hope here.

((((wisewoman))))))hope things get better