my story finally...extremely triggering for SI and abuse.

My demons of my past taunt me. They disappear temporarily, But there they lie, Waiting to pounce on me. With the energy of 10 tigers.

I sit and wait, they say they are going out. (the parents) I know im in trouble. I try hard to reason with them, on why they should pay a babysitter. They don’t want to do that. My brother is quite capable of watching me. I tell them I cant stay in the same house with him. They call me a drama queen.

Sure enough they leave, and he starts his taunting. You are going to be called nuts. They will lock you up. Remember what they did to sean? They electrocuted him. Do YOU want that? Mom and dad will do that you know. I will make sure of it. And if you tell they wont believe you. They will believe me. Remember that. They don’t want you anyway so this will give them a good reason to get rid of you. Try it. (laughs)

Then he pulls his pants off and tells me to kiss him there. I back away and say its not right. He says “nobody else’s brother treats them as good as I treat you”. This is how your brother is supposed to act when he loves his sister. You don’t love me. I am going to tell mom how bad you were.

So fighting back the tears, I do this, I don’t like it. He grabs my head. Im confused. I don’t know what I am doing. (still don’t like anybody touching my head)I just know its wrong. After a while of that. He grows tired of it. And decides its time for more. He says he has a “present” for me. That I Have to wait for it. I believe him. After all, if I don’t, he will tell mom and dad and for sure they will send me away to be electrocuted. So If I don’t play his game, my parents will surely get rid of me. After all im not smart, and I don’t do well with piano or dance. They would surely have a good reason to get rid of me. So I wait in my room

He comes in, with no clothes on. And tells me to undress. I start to tear up. I don’t know whats happening, but it cant be good. It just cant be. Why does he do this to me? He jumps on top of me. Hes much taller and stronger. And starts to enter me. Its painful. I bled for a while. I cried. I fought him, but he smacked me in the face. Then proceeded to taunt me even more. He said mom and dad would think I was dirty and want me gone for sure. To shut up because this is how a brother loves a sister. How stupid could I be?

So I allow this. Out of fear of being sent away from parents who were not that good at making me feel wanted, I did this. It was my fault. All of it. It makes me sick to think that the person who should have protected me, took my virginity away. He took away all things good and pure about me, he took my honor. He took my life away.

Sick to my stomach, I took a bath. Watching blood in the water, I cried. Meanwhile, he sat on the sink talking to me, telling me it was ok. That this was normal behavior for a brother and sister. That if I talk about it, I can be in trouble. That I would go to hell.

Little did he know that I was in hell. This was MY hell. This was the hell that I would endure for the next 5 years. Then he invited friends in. He let them violate me too. They didn’t believe me, and I was so afraid to even tell them. I was afraid that I would be sent away. That’s when the SI started. That’s when I made up my mind that instead of feeling like a useless throw away *****, that pain was better. Physical pain was much better. I did it often, and he questioned it, and I never answered. He tried to get me to tell him. Im sure he knew why. He just liked to torture me. It was something he was very good at.

It was also right around this time, that drugs and suicide were looking really good to me. I spent a huge part of my teenage years addicted to coke and pot, and doing speed. I drank as much as possible and had a wonderful addiction to sleeping pills. That was the only time I was safe. Asleep.

Ive always felt used and cheap. He made it seem so true. He had ways of making me feel so washed up and used. He used every trick in the book to get me to comply and I did. Feeling worse and worse with each time. Feeling more and more hurt and violated. Ever since then I have thought of killing myself. It seems to be the only way to shut the demons out of my life, out of my head.

The feeling of a cut is very simple. The rush is undeniably great. The release of the blood when I cut is like a drug. Its like a line of cocaine. A rush of warm, a feeling of a high. A feeling of this will be better. Soon as I can concentrate on my cut. As soon as I can turn the focus on this scar. Its unfortunate that the feeling of a cold blade against warm skin and veins is more enjoyable than anything I can think of. The feeling of the blade, cutting the skin, the sting of the first incision, the sting of the warm blood coming into contact with the cold air. The feeling of this is OK. The feeling is better than anything I can describe. It’s the feeling of being in control. Even if for just a moment, a second. I AM IN CONTROL. You cannot control me now. I am the boss. I control the bleeding, the pain. I can stop it. I can continue. If I choose. That’s when his face and voice and body leave me alone. He could not violate me here. I am alone finally. Nobody can take this away from me. I can stop the pain. I can stop feeling worthless. By one good cut. I was getting good at finding ways to hurt me. Burning is best. The pain lasts longer. Days maybe even longer depending on the burn. I burnt my legs, my ankles, toes, whatever had the softest skin. That’s the best place. The skin that’s not exposed to the elements. No callouses, just soft milky skin. Warm and smooth. Yup that’s the best place to go. Sometimes, when I would get high, I would spend hours cutting. Once cutting so bad I thought I was going to die. And I was ok with that.

I figured…..why worry? Why bother trying to live. Why? Who wants me? Nobody!!!! That’s who. Nobody. You are a nobody and a nobody you shall be. You are no good. Not smart. Certainly not pretty. And generally miserable. Who would miss you? Nobody that’s who!!!! Just keep thinking…were on the right track. So far what do we have? A useless, trashy, stupid, ugly, and easy freak. PERFECT!!!! Nobody wants you anyway. You are a mistake. God hates you anyway. So who cares if you go to hell. you’ve spent 8 years in hell anyway. So whats an eternity to a useless freak such as yourself?

I still feel this way. Daily. Minute to minute. Day by day. Forever.

Regardless of how I felt. I was terrible at completing suicide. I couldn’t even do THAT right. I mean how sad am I? I cant even end my life. What a coward I am. At least I can be good at one thing. NOT completing suicide. You piece of crap. What a piece of crap. Cant even do that right. Just reiterates all of what they have said youre entire life. What a loser.

I used to sit in my room at night. With the lights off. Begging god to let me die so another family could come and take me away and love me. Why wouldn’t he just let me die? I hated god with all the strength I could muster every day. A man that was supposed to be loving and forgiving, just let me down. Ive spent a lot of time being let down and letting others down. Its no shock that I cant make heads or tails of myself right now. I no longer believe that god hates me btw.

Its no shock that I am still fighting with the demons In my mind. Telling them to let me be happy. But just as I want to be happy, they come rushing back in. Engulfing my every thought. Taking my every breath away. With each fell swoop, they take me in. Telling me how bad I am. How easy I was. How stupid I am. And I believe it. Its had to not believe it. After all, they are right. I AM cheap and easy. I AM stupid. And I AM bad. I already knew it. They were just making sure I didn’t forget. And I never will. They’ve won.

The one song that releases my feeling for my abuse is that in the song concrete angel.

Thanks for listening....again

Colleen

((((((((((((((((((((Cthomas))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry for all that has happened to you. It is horrible what people will do to each other. I understand your feelings and wish I could make them better. Just know I am here and I understand.

BB

thanks BB. in some wierd twisted way i think it helped to post it. it is on the beginning of a lot of abuse that followed but getting just that much out seems to help.

thanks again,
colleen

WOW! You are one awesome woman, Colleen! How brave of you to take the first step out of the hell that's been surrounding you for far too long. They say the first step is always the hardest and I hope telling your story is the breakthough you need to begin the healing process.

That rotten brother of yours couldn't kill your spirit! YOU'RE WINNING! Keep up the good work, Colleen ... he can't hurt you now.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Your new mother was very blessed to find you!

Wishing you the very best, the happiest and the healthiest 2008 possible!

Trying to be a GoodMama

C. I just wanted you to know that I read your story and I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. All of those things you've felt about yourself, stupid, easy, cheap, unwanted, worthless. Those things aren't you. If anything they describe your brother and his friends pretty well. You are a good person who endured a nightmare and none of it is your fault.

Posting here shows a strength and virtue that is inside you, hiding beneath the surface. I hope you get to know that part of yourself even more.

Cyran0

((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you had to endure all of this.
I love that song, concrete angel as well. The video makes me cry, every time. Another good song is dear Mr. Jesus, if you want to look into it.

"He took away all things good and pure about me, he took my honor. He took my life away.After all, they are right. I AM cheap and easy. I AM stupid. And I AM bad. I already knew it. They were just making sure I didn’t forget. And I never will. They’ve won."

I don't belive it. They didn't win, they didn't fully succeed, because after everything, you are still strong. You are still here, you are still fighting. As far as I can tell, you are still a good and pure person, You are not stupid, and you are not bad. They are trying to make you believe that, so that they may control and manipulate you. but you are stronger then them. They will never win, as long as you breathe, and fight, they can never win.

Good luck,
<333
Bella

Thanks cyran0,

I was toying with whether or not to show my face around here. Posted before i changed my mind. Turns out it was a good thing. Saw T today. and she said i was making progress.

Thanks for the positive feedback. I appreciate it more than you know.

Hugs to you.....How are yoU? barely seen you around much lately?
Colleen

Thanks bella.

That means a lot to me. A LOT....

never heard dr. mr jesus but I plan to look it up.

You have a great day!
Colleen

Thanks for the nice words. My T was happy with the progress of finally getting it out. It helped. We did some emdr therapy.

It was nice....

Thanks again,
Colleen

Hey C. Yeah, the past week hasn't been very conducive to the whole PC thing. Just not enough time and a lack of motivation when it comes to posting. I'm sure we'll see another flurry of activity from me in the near future.

Cyran0

(((((((((((((colleen))))))))))))))))))
kiya

thanks kiya. glad youre ok too. I was worried bout ya....

Hugs back......

Colleen

C . T Just wanted to say ........

You wrote a very powerful release,,, Well worded... Honest to yourself and your feelings ....

Not exactly what I would equate with being stupid or worthless by no means. . You Take CARE.

(((((((colleen))))))

I read your story with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry you had to endure all that....I hear you and sympathise..It wasn't a member of my family but I was sexually abused, and emotionally.

My mums lover who was a pdoc continually abused me from the age of 8 - 15, humiliated me in front of others .... my mum sexually abused me twice that I remember...I have dissossiative amnesia.... I was wmotionally abused from the age of 3/4 ....

I just recently decided to let go of my so called mother....she is no longer in my life....

I posted my story onhere a while ago, it helped me....I'm glad you did this.... it is a release in some ways .....

You are very brave and know I am here for you anytime if you need to talk..... I still feel the shame, guilt, no confidence..all the %#@&#! that goes with abuse..... but I am trying to overcome it all ..... we can do this together ....

all my love, Jinny xxxxxx

Thank you so much my friend for those kind words.

I have made so many good friends here at pc

Take care and hopeyou are well
Colleen

Jinn,

My friend.....you always go through the emotional aspect with us. You always seem to say the right things. Its soooo appreciated.
Love ya
C

Your very welcome Colleen
((((((((Colleen))))))))))
I hope you feel better.