a friend comes home, and I learn something surprising about me

Today, in church, I saw an old friend across the aisle, sitting in the back row. He had come in quietly. He had just been released from prison. This man, once a respected professional, had a fall from grace, to put it mildly. I went to him, gave him a hug, welcomed him home, and he fell apart, weeping uncontrollably, unable even to speak. I could see his fear in his eyes, unsure how he was going to be received in this community upon his return. I felt his alienation, from himself as much as anyone else. Ironically, I used to turn to him for advice in some of my hardest, most lost moments.

This moment was a reminder of so many things, but something surprising stood out for me by the end of this day. I became aware that I, too, travel in a professional world, but I feel a certain sense of isolation from it. I feel more comfortable with those in pain, those who have been hit hard by life, whether by their own error or at the hands of others, or both, and struggled to survive. That has been my story. Before I was 18, I knew my mother's disease and slow death, my father's remarriage and divorce within less than a year, horrific abuse, abandonment, psychosis, abject fear, horror, and if that wasn't enough, top it off with disgrace at my father's ultimate imprisonment for a crime that made national headlines. My daily world doesn't really want to hear my story, I don't think. Just yesterday, I was recounting the impact of my horrific abuse flashbacks to someone in my professional world. He waved it off, clearly uncomfortable with how raw the experience was that I was trying to explain.

I feel raw, with what I have been through and how I have coped. It's all too familiar. I think I fake it a bit, in my daily professional life. Inside, I can feel as lost and alienated from my surroundings as my friend did today. I feel a bit like an imposter, in a way, waiting to be told I really don't belong in world of normalcy.

Thanks for listening,

mtd

((((((((mtd)))))) You belong. You belong.

((((((( mtd ))))))))

You did a wonderful thing reaching out to that old friend of yours. I'm sure your gesture to him has touched him greatly.

I'm sorry you are feeling raw. I'm sure its a very uncomfortable feeling. I think a lot of folks put on a facade in our professional lives. The folks we deal with in our jobs are not usually the ones we want to know all our secrets eh?

I hope you find some peace and feel better.


sabby

mtd, I know exactly what you mean. I've always been connected to those who've struggled and I too fake it in the professional world. Give me the freaks, outcasts, cons, drunks, addicts, down and out artists, abuse victims, crazies, weirdos, underdogs, and hopeless dreamers. These have always been "my people" and I've always been an alien.

Cyran0

I feel so much the way you do!!! I am in the professional world and sometimes, it feels like at any moment, somebody is going to come and tell me “it’s a mistake, you don’t belong here.” Everything I have earned is going to get flushed down the toilet because I am not really a professional…I belong in the “other” world.

I find that most of my friends struggle with mental health issues—I think I relate to them better. They seem to be so much more in touch with their feelings and are better able to understand me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

One thing that amazes me is our level of compassion we have for each other. You sound like you have been through the wringer and yet you show such compassion…maybe it’s the compassion we have for each other that draws us together. If you think about it, you are a pretty amazing person, you have triumphed in a world that threw a lot of crap at you…who would not want to be your friend? Maybe some people who are a little superficial? No, they don’t want to hear our story because it would ruin their idea of the world.

I have decided that my professional life is my professional life…it is something I have to do to make money. I will never totally be accepted there because the “professional” people will never completely know me. That’s okay because I have plenty of other friends who know me, accept me and love me.

remember for every person you come across who isn't able or willing to hear about the raw experiences there are many more who DO want to hear, ARE willing to listen, and WILL do whatever they can in the moment as fellow kind humans.

stinks to come across the ones who don't get it but makes the times w/ those who do get it all the more special.

your heart and kindness are obvious throughout your posts mtd. thanks for when you do share here.

I though t I was the only professional to feel that way.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

CyranO;
Welcome to my world, thanks for being here.

"Today, in church, I saw an old friend across the aisle, sitting in the back row. He had come in quietly. He had just been released from prison. This man, once a respected professional, had a fall from grace, to put it mildly. I went to him, gave him a hug, welcomed him home, and he fell apart, weeping uncontrollably, unable even to speak. I could see his fear in his eyes, unsure how he was going to be received in this community upon his return. I felt his alienation, from himself as much as anyone else. Ironically, I used to turn to him for advice in some of my hardest, most lost moments."

mtd;

What a wonderful display of the restoration ministry of Christ.

Thank you, you helped me today.

(((((mtd))))))