wondering if life would be better if I didn't know!

Angry, ashamed and frustrated that I have been "stuck" for so long. Wondering if I never remembered that life would have gotten "back on track" like it always had in the past. Seems therapy only dug a hole in my heart and left me soo confused.

I only have a "peek hole" in things that happened. Not even enough to flatten me, but enough to haunt me. But enough to know that makes me not always know which side of me is true.

Life can be so complicated....I wish I had never walked in that therapist's office......Seems I am blaming my past on the T instead of owning it..

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font> - I am sorry for the struggle you are going thru right now, but I do understand and know how you are feeling.... please hang in there and do NOT loose the battle you must take on in order to find the REAL YOU again.

(((((((radioflyer))))))

I'm sosorry too.....I'm going through therapy also, brings a lotof pain BUT WE WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE,......there are days when I believe this more than others....but I am so determined.....

Just think when therapy is coming to an end....we'll never forget, but it sure as hell will be easier to live with and cope.... good luck sweetie .....here with you

Jinny xxxx

radio_flyer,

I know these feelings you describe. I have been there. I agree with what you seem to suggest, that we must "own" our past at some point. That has been my experience. When I own my past, I must deal with it and work to heal from it. Otherwise, it just haunts me and makes me all disfunctional.

I was struck by one thing you said though that made me sad. You say you feel "ashamed" for being "stuck" so long. I understand that, but I have come to believe that just like I don't have to be ashamed for what was done to harm me, I also don't have to be ashamed of my struggle to recover. I have not always done well or made the best choices in recovery. But I don't have to be ashamed for those failures, setbacks, or even trying to escape the recovery process. The process hurts often. And I am human. I didn't ask to be put here. But I can be proud of leaning into the struggle. I don't have to be ashamed of when I stumble in that process, and certainly don't have to be ashamed of the time and efforts it takes to heal. I hope that for you too.

Thank you for being here and for sharing and supporting us all.

be well,

mtd

tears.... such kind words... ty rhapsody, jinnyann and mtd

mtd .. maybe that is the key. owning my childhood. just there is such a strong resistance. like when two magnets are drawn together, but when you turn them around, they resist or push away. that is how i feel.. and the space in between the resisting magnets is that awful 'void'...

I sure hope I am not "losing" it again... Must find some positives to hold on to to refocus...I will be ok.. Just a few rough spots rained in.. The sun will shine again..

friend your so Will shine again
through all your hurting and such pain
Be strong like Iknow you are
In spirit I am with you from afar.....

Take my hand and sqeeze it tight
together we will find that extra light
So much love and care I'll send to you
Through angels care that's what they do...

Some day you'll be as one and live
give all the love you have to give
Always your friend through thick and thin
Don't let the pat leave you in a spin....

hugs always, Jinny xxxx

ty jinny.. ...you are gifted with "words"... just beautiful
huggs rf

Radio flyer. I remember everything that happenned to me
at 3 yrs old,like it was yesterday. I choose not to replay the
memories mostly. My brother did not remember and spent
most of his life in emotional pain and agony trying to figure
out why he felt so intense. Once when I told him or asked
re...he exploded in a murderous rage!!
Suffice to say he self medicated with dangerous poisons
He never made it to my age.He died from hepatitis C
and suspected self m.....
Im not saying that would happen to you or me but
just that maybe if he had known what was guiding his life
he may still have life.....(sorry to be a sad sack )
good intentions are meant by commenting here.
Keep a steady course as you fly...Jjulia

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
radio_flyer said:
" Wondering if I never remembered that life would have gotten "back on track" like it always had in the past."
I've often heard people say things like this in group therapy, my favorite reply was always..."the way things were is what got you here" the simple fact is growth is painful,and weather it happens in a therapists office or somewhere else does'nt matter nearly as much as your realization that change is whats needed...the key is to embrace it, not fear it ! easier said than done though right?

life is no walk in the park that is for sure.