[Kiya]

want to post - but no words.

[DePressMe]

....hmmm...sometimes it is like that...hang in there.

[Kiya]

yeah... it took 3 days to get this far. the words are too far away

[mtd]

at times like this, I just have to breath, deeply, deliberately, to energize the soul, and give it space.

mtd

[altonwoodsdrphil]

It's a little like getting un-dressed in front of someone, trust us, you don't have any problem we have'nt seen before...and we promise not to laugh, unless you want us to. so, please...put your dirty feet up on our couch! we're all here to listen to and support each other.

[Kiya]

hmmmm well, i guess that sums up my issues. i *don't* get undressed in front of *anyone*, ever. maybe there really aren't any words.

i did like the idea of my soul being energized - even if the rest of me is down in the dumps.

[altonwoodsdrphil]

hmm, ever been injured or maybe cut yourself badly? our instinct is to cover it up! the next words we hear are "let me see it " we're scared to look, so we move our hand and after a quick glimpse close our eyes or turn away. still too numb or in shock to feel the pain that we know will surely come. When a person is seriously injured, all pretenses fall aside. There are no "right words" it's just what are you feeling? where does it hurt? and,"let me help you". I have no problem being open and vulnerable here, (naked-ish) I'm just trying to show you that it's a safe place here. I can babble on like some idiot about stuff that's really all my fault and people will still try to lift me up and offer me great advice. now, what were you wanting to say?

[Kiya]

...ok... i'm feeling numb, and it hurts really far away like layers and layers deep so that i can't access it... i barely know it is there (except for the anxiety, depression, and acting out). like in someone elses body - when you see a nail in their hand, and it causes you pain... but deeper, further.... like a knife twisting in to flesh so numbed out you know it's hurting, but you can't comprehend it.

[Rapunzel]

Kiya, that's dissociation. You are protecting yourself from that pain by distancing yourself from it, in your mind making it separate from yourself. I've been learning that when we dissociate, we are afraid of something. You are reaching out for help and understanding, while the pain is still hard for you to face. I think you will need someone with you to help you face the pain. Preferably a therapist. You don't have to face it all at once, but little by little when you see it and understand it you will be able to process it and move beyond the pain without it lingering over you like this.

(((((((love)))))))

just something everyone needs in times like this .... take care, hugs too

Jinny xxx

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((rap, jinny)))))))))))

I'm in therapy - we haven't even gotten close to it yet... freaks me out too bad and i just "go away".

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Dear Kiya, you mentioned "acting out " as being one of the symptoms of your "condition". you also said that you were in "therapy"...I believe that all of our behaviors stem from our basic needs, food/water,shelter, and love...we die without these things. therapy will help you to see how you've tried to get the last need met rather un-succesfully,and then try to re-direct you. Thats something you could actually do for yourself without drugs or 100.00 an hour head-shrinkers. In my opinion, you've had a "belief systym crash" something has happened that your present belief systym can't process so you're kind of stuck...heres the "quick fix" forgive everyone involved including yourself, start with a clean slate and move on. again, all of this is just my opinion,which I am entitled to...I hope it helps

[Kiya]

thanks phil.
yep, each to their own opinion.
i'm in therapy (thankfully, not out of pocket, but out of ins) because my other option isn't legal and would be very final.
one day at a time.

[Cthomas]

Kiya, im sorry you are going through so much. is there anything I can help with? maybe being online at the same time for a change and chatting?

Id like to help.

let me know.

Colleen

[Kiya]

((((colleen))))
picutre a feral housecat, cornered in.... that's me right now. all claws and rrrowwww. can't help a wild thing - it has to get through alone sometimes.
i don't have any words to explain myself right now =(