[Kiya]

life experiences

I’m not great at it (especially since most is only in flashback form) but here’s a short run down;

3yrs- Washed ‘inside’ by dad’s mom in the shower with her, and later by my own mom in the shower with her... mom confirmed "that's how babies are washed".

3-5 no idea - I have some non-dominant hand writings and pictures of that time that talk about dad and remember one tantrum where I didn’t want mom to leave me with him.

4 - let a boy touch me in the car on the way to swim class - knew it was wrong. was afraid his mom would see. knew i was bad for letting him touch me there.

6 - more non-dominant writings and drawings indicating dad

8 - kids wouldn’t let me play unless I “showed them” and let them touch me. This went on several times. A male teacher saw and threatened to tell my mother what I had done. I had a violent flashback (while eating) involving him forcing a boy on me in my mouth saying “you wanna be an adult? This is what adults do”.

8-10 - real bad flashbacks of this time indicating incestuous rape by dad, also terrible leg pains every night before bed as well as horrific migraines often.

11- mom was gone for 6 weeks (which she had to remind me about because I completely forgot) and more flashbacks of this time. One small apartment with the single bathroom having the main door and one to the master bed room - flashback indicating that dad would gain access either before or after my showers and bring me into his room.

12 - neighbors dad took his already abused and neglected daughter, my friend C....., and I up into his furniture-less house and raped us each in turn. This is also in flashback form - I have fairly solid reason to believed we were all drugged; my memory holds S......(his daughter who always seemed out of it) offered us “pixie dust” (what I thought was powdered candy) and had us go to her apt. Things got fuzzy and just after we got there, S.....laid down on the floor, smiling blankly as usual, he put his hand on my shoulder and closed and locked the door and everything dimmed to black. I have faint recollections- confirmed by C....- of him and his house even though, as far as I know, I’ve never stepped foot in there. I was forbidden to go there and usually did as I was told. I couldn’t remember what he looked like even though mom did, and I still can’t remember his name for more than an hour or so.

18 - dated K....., very abusive. Said things to me like “You’re 18 and I’m 17, so I’ll have sex with you and claim it was statutory rape.” “You’re gonna have me my little girl. All I want is my little girl - and then I’ll kill ya.” he’d smack my legs, undress me when ever we were at his house, physically wipe off all my make up roughly, demand that I remove all jewelry and shave my legs. He “went down on me” (first time I had this -- I had told him no repeatedly, just like with everything) and then ridiculed me.

And just for extra fun, I had an attempted kidnapping at 11, a possible one at 9, and a stalking at 15. Oh and 2 attempted muggings in 1999.

i can't believe i just wrote everything. is this where i turn into a pumpkin or a toad or something? I feel like the secret police are gonna burst into my room and lock me up for spawning lies about my good-standing family. I wonder if i will ever get over that sense of impending doom.

[Cthomas]

Kiya, thanks for posting that. Im sure that was difficult for you but know that im here if you ever need to talk.

(((((((((((KIYA))))))))))
Colleen

[pachyderm]

> is this where i turn into a pumpkin or a toad or something?

Has not happened yet, as far as I can tell.

The sense of impending doom is familiar, too.

[selfy]

kiya honey nothing will get you, you are safe.
im sorry u had to go thru that
im hear to listen to you
anytime alright?
BIG HUGS
dot

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((((Colleen, Pachy, Dot)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

yeah - that was hard to post - some greving and being curled up in a ball. Left the light on most the night. So far the only thing that got me was one of the harmful alters who was mad at me for "telling a world of complete strangers". Would have got me for telling people i know, too. There was some SI but really mild... to "teach me a lesson and not do that any more". I had sent the same list to my new T as well.

Thanks for listening and supporting. kiya

Kiya..

I'm so sorry you had to endure all that. I'm wishing you much healing and happiness.

[Cthomas]

Kiya,

Glad you made it through that. We are all here for the same reasons....no reason to hold back. (coming from ME whos still holding back...LOL)

Were here if you need us.

Take care and try to have a better day.

Thanks for the hug - back atcha
Colleen

[Cyran0]

(((((Kiya))))

[Kiya]

Forgot one - somewhere around 2-3 grade

mol. - spent the night at a friends and she traded beds with me so i was in hers - her dad came in in the middle of the night thinking i was her....

[Twilightzone]

((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))

[Kiya]

I had therapy today - I had emailed her the same original post i put here and then told her the forgotten update. She kept looking at me so intently - I didn't know what to say. I gues i was supposed to process that with feelings or something, but I didn't understand and couldn't have accessed that anyway. It was uncomfortable. She said i was under too much stress at work currently and not getting enough sleep, so she was "book marking" this and we;d come back to it later to focus in depth. Oh goodie, i can hardly wait.
At this point it's just all kind of numb. When i was dealing with the constant flashbacks, everything seemed like crisis. Now, i'm just numb to it and look at the list and go "yep. so."
Kiya

[Twilightzone]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
also terrible leg pains every night before bed

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I remember those, like muscle cramps, they were awful and I couldn't sleep because of them. The doctor said it was 'growing pains': my body was growing faster than my muscles. Does that make sense???

((((hugs))))

[AAAAA]

(((((Kiya)))))

[Kiya]

i now know the leg pains were *because* i didn't want to go to bed. If someone changed the game plan (like for a movie) they'd stop hurting instantly. The pain was in the form of terrible charlie horses - probably because my body was tensing up for the nightly fight - even when my mind couldn't process it.
Anyway...
In my current work place there are 3 major triggers that I am trying to avoid. one happens to be the name of one of my perps.
awesome.