[bchlyn]

the past several weeks i have been struggling with a memory... or memories...and si...some of the memories i have know are real... i know happened... but these feel different... more dangerous.... unreal...but real...it started with the memory of a smell... the smell of freshly washed and ironed sheets... the smell of air dried sheets lightly starched... i haven't smelled that smell since i was a teenager at my grandmothers house... it triggered a barrage of memories... but not like ... first this happened and then that... it was pictures that seemed to flash and then the realization that i had seen those flashes in my mind before... but this time i realized that it was my dad's room at my grandmas... the reality of what he did isn't as much cognative as it is sensory... in my body... and if it happened there he was one of my abusers... and that brought together other "normal'memories that now don't feel "normal".... and all of this just makes me want to si.,, is this real? or am i making it all up?

[Cthomas]

Sounds to me as if you are having wierd flashbacks. i have had those same kind triggered by a smell or a sound.

Its not in your mind. If its there, its there for a reason in my honest opinion.

Im sorry you are feeling so triggered lyn, but im here.
Sending hugs your way. you can get through this. i know you can

colleen

[Kiya]

Lyn, I've also had those - that's how my memories started coming back. I was so scared and not understanding. It was body sensory that i got back first... then flashes of pictures that were gone before i could get a good look at them. but they left me feeling the most awful i had ever felt. I had not started injuring then, or i would have for sure if I'd already known about it.
((((((((((((((( many safe hgs to you )))))))))))))))))))))))
pm any time if you need.
kiya

[bchlyn]

its like...if i can get a clear enough look i will know... but i can't keep them there long enough to focus

[Kiya]

Any better today?
Tonight in t we talked about some of that stuff for the first time. This was really different than other times because of t's stance from it. I mean, she sat as close to me as possible (i almost felt claustrophobic) but did not say any sorrys or oh my gosh that shouldn't have happened to you, she didn't get bad at the perps... and it was easier for me to contain because of it. she just listened with her typical stern look and i told her more than i expected to. so now, i'm not having a reaction to it -like i would have in the past with other t's. i told her two memories. thankfully for me, i'd already gone through the horriffic "flashback from hell" stage several years ago. i just hadn't really processed them.

I'm concerned for you - i know what those are like - so scary and real, and feel inside your body, and you can't get away. Keep holding on to reality, remember there's us out here who care, remind yourself that was then and now you are an adult... remind yourself that you're "with you" now - when before you didn't have that. you were just there and it was being done to you. but now you "have you" which you didn't have last time... if that makes sense. grab a stuffy to keep close...... thinking of you.

kiya

[bchlyn]

ty..i am glad you had such a good appointment and that your t knew just how to keep you safe... i have my appointment tonight... he told me that he wasn't going to make me talk about it... if i would start to write it out... so that is what i did i started.... i wrote around it... we will see what happens...the urges are constant... i don't know if i can keep them in check until after my appointment on thursday....lyn

[Kiya]

what ever happens, i'm right out here with ya.... om any time or email. =(
((((((( lyn )))))))
if you need distractions or someone to just be there -I'm here.
kiya

[bchlyn]

my homework this week is to journal more around this... but what i need to say... is too hard to write... knowing it won't be a secret after i do... lyn

[Kiya]

you don't have to show it to him.
you could use invisible ink.... like crayola.

[bchlyn]

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( lyn ))))))))

[bchlyn]

ty

[bchlyn]

kiya i guess he can read invisible ink... he knows i am keeping a secret... next week will be fun...lyn