[chaotic13]

I've always felt like I was different than most women. However today was one of those days where I realized that maybe I AM different.

I was asked today, "Who was your my first love?" I couldn't answer this question. Isn' t this supposed to be an easy question to answer. I don't know if I just have some unrealistic (TV) vision of romantic love; but no one's name popped into my head.

I could remember my first "official" boyfriend. I could remember the first person I had sex with. But I couldn't recall ever saying to myself... "OMG, I'm in love with him."

Do you think abuse can just destroy this concept?

[Kiya]

hmmmm that's a fair question o you think abuse can just destroy this concept?

I have not had a first love. I have had a few boyfriends and some crushes... but I don't know what I'd consider a "love". A woman i really trust, with the same background, told me she finally found her husband and they absolutely adore each other. she promises me that that can happen for me too... some day.

[x_BabyG_x]

I know it's different to everyone but, Maybe you just havent been in love yet..?

babyg xxx

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
hmmmm that's a fair question o you think abuse can just destroy this concept?


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, it can. Or it can distort it so that you never feel love. If love and pain are fused together, why would you search for love when you know all it brings is pain.

Love becomes a fear.....

[bchlyn]

yup

[Kiya]

heh - there was not supposed to be a smiley face in that line in my post. i had tried to show the quote with : and then said "do" and instead it made a smiley icon appear. weird.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Riptide said:

Yes, it can. Or it can distort it so that you never feel love.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think this is where I am at. At this point I don't think I have a clear definition of love and feel like at this point I should know how I define it. After all I am married with children.

For me there is this big disconnect between the physical and emotional aspects of love. I was trying to explore why I have this disconnect and others don't. The thought occurred to me that this separation in my mind may be a residual effect of my childhood abuse. Of course I also have to consider that maybe my perception that everyone else sees these two aspects blended together when they talk about love is if not accurate. It wouldn't be the first time I've made a false assumption about how different I am.

When my therapist asked me, "Who was your first love?" I didn't know what exactly was being asked. I didn't know if she was asking about my first sexual experience or if the question was intended to be deeper than that. I know I should have just asked her to re-state the question :-) but I didn't. I guess I was embarrassed that it was not clear to me what she meant. I didn't love the first person I had sex with and I feel uncomfortable about this. Sounds stupid I guess. I've just never been asked by anyone about my sex life. I'm not even sure if this is what she was even asking about! I may have automatically sexualized the question.

I was just curious if anyone else: 1) had a trouble defining love and 2) interpreting questions about your sexual experiences? If yes, do you think it is related to your abuse?

[Kiya]

"When my therapist asked me, "Who was your first love?" I didn't know what exactly was being asked. I didn't know if she was asking about my first sexual experience or if the question was intended to be deeper than that. "

yeah, i got that also from last t and i didn't know what to make of it. and t looked at me like i was an oranguatane (sp) or something. i felt pretty stupid, honestly.
as for your questions, 1.yes i have a hard time defining love. i also have a hard time telling people i "love" them, or even signing "love" to a letter or email. it makes me really uncomfortable. i am assuming it is related to the abuse, for i have no other context with which to assign it.
2. i have chosen abstanance all these years. well, "choose" is not quite accurate since for the most part i turn into a deer in the headlights with any sort of advances. but .... i've not wanted sex at all. all that stopped at age 12 and i never looked back (until therapy). i do have troubles talking about my abusive boyfriend who darn near pushed things a bit too far... and i could never say all the things he did. t's usually give up asking me questions.

[chaotic13]

Thanks Kiya, I also have trouble saying and writing the word. I do really feel stupid when I'm asked a question and I'm not sure if it is about sex or if it is intended to have a deeper meaning.

Here is another one she has asked me on two separate occasions. 'Do you think you had a normal sexual development?' What to you think that question was asking?

When she first asked it was after I has after I sent my abuse disclosure to her. It sent my mind spinning immediately with .. Is she asking me for specific information about when and who I've had consensual or non-consensual sex with?... Is she asking me to chronologically describe when I covered "each base"? Is she asking me about my physiological development or if I have any physical problems? My brain went wild trying to interpret the question. During that discussion I concluded that she couldn't possibly asking about details of my sexual experiences (she is a psychologist not a sex therapist) so I defaulted to the my comfort zone (anatomy and physiology), and simply said.. Yes, I consider my sexual development (biologically) as being normal.

A few sessions later she asked the same exact question, and my mind when off again trying to interpret what she wanted. Obviously my earlier response was not adequate, because my T has a good memory and doesn't ask things repeatedly unless there is a point to it. This time the stuff going through my mind had an hint of anger. "Hell, doesn't she get what I wrote, I started off on third! before I event realized what they were doing to me." "Is there a way to go back and have a "normal" sexual development after that?" "How the hell am I supposed to know what is normal and what isn't, is there even a normal?" I think my response that time was, simply "I don't know!"

Then this past week we were discussing my relationship with my husband and whether I thought I love him. I was being honest not evasive when I said, I don't know. She then started to back the timeline up in an effort to find "love". That's when she hit me with, Who was your first love?

I think I am have so much trouble with these discussions because the discussion of sex, even anything to do with the reproductive system, was completely off limits in my home. Until therapy I have never had anyone question me nor have I questioned others about their sex life.

[JxnChosen]

I have needed people, I have really liked people. As for love, I'm not sure.

I am with a guy now that I think I love. This is a different feeling.

I wasn't shown alot of love growing up, nor did I see what love looked like between two adults inside of a relationship. Friendship or otherwise. I'm kinda figuring it out now as I go.