[onlymedid]

I told my bf tonight that I didn't want him in the room with me tomorrow when I see T. I tell him everything, so naturally he asked why. I told him that I am having flashbacks of what my step-grandfather had done to me. I told him that there are just some things that I can't tell him or talk about in front of him. He kept pushing asking if I was mad at him or if I didn't trust him. I told him it's just not something I am comfortable talking about in front of him.
He pushed again, just asked if it was too painful. I snapped and told him "I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT!!!!"
I tried to tell him afterward that it is just very shameful, embarrassing, not something I talk to ANYONE about, etc. He seemed to get it. Then he asked, "are you mad at me?" and I told him no that it was just one example of him pushing too far and analyzing too much (We had just had a discussion about this a couple days ago).
I tried to tell him that it's not something I can stop thinking about and not something that someone who hasn't gone thru it would understand.
Now I feel like crap for snapping at him. I feel like I should just try to talk to him or something, but I can't.
I am just totally rambling now, but I needed to just get it out because I am having a really crappy time with flashbacks and dealing with mom's death and dealing with being bipolar and just getting back on meds.....it's all too much right now!!

BJ

[Kiya]

you have to do what is right for you ((((((bj)))))
it is your right to want what you say to t to be private.
you and your bf are not glued together at the hip - you lead seperate lives and that is healthy. you have to have boundaries! boundaries are good when used right.
hoping you are ok - breathe - you can get through one step at a time.
kiya

[onlymedid]

Thanks Kiya. I guess he is just so used to me telling him EVERYTHING that is threw him off.
I agree with you, though....some things need to be kept private. I can't even SPEAK what I need to to T today so I wrote it down and am just going to let her read it.
Then I will probably tear it up!

Anyways, Thank you for reminding me to BREATHE cuz I forget sometimes!

BJ

[Kiya]

I had one of those days too - i emailed what i needed to say to t cuz i could never actally speak it. and then begged her and made her promise to delete it and not print it out. she emailed me back saying she respected my wishes and deleted and also not to talk about it with me in person.

hope it goes ok!!!

[onlymedid]

Well, my BF was in the room, but when I gave her the note that I wrote to read I told her that I didn't want him in the room if we were to talk about it so she said "I'm going to have to ask you to leave".
It was cool, we talked a little about it and then I had to leave.

So, all in all it went well!!!