I Cried

I just had a session with my t and it was a very difficult one. We were talking about how life seemed so unfair. I'd just told my t a big thing about my manic depression (I choose not to use the term bipolar) and I mentioned that it was unfair and followed it up by saying that I knew life was unfair. I told her that I got through my childhood by telling myself I'd turn 18 and I'd be OK. Then I started crying. I'm 23 and I'm not and in addition to having the PTSD, I have a life-long disability which in the depression causes hurt, the same hurt because hurt is hurt whatever the unfair cause. She asked me to come home and write what I feel and this is it.

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I don't cry very often and I cry less often in front of others. I didn't intend to cry, I usually keep my emotions further back, to protect me from them. The hurt of manic depression with the hurt of the abuse just ended up magnifying the hurt of the abuse. I don't like feeling like that. How can that be beneficial? I don't care if I'm normal in my hurt, it hurts so much!!! Maybe it isn't the most healthy thing to put my hurt in a vault in a corner of my mind, but why isn't it? I can deal with it on the intellectual level. I limit the hurt of the abuse; what's wrong with my method? Why do I have to deal with it on the emotional? I hurt and I want it to go away and stop interfering in my other thoughts and feelings. I put the hurt back in the vault. It's a little less now, but the vault doesn't seem as secure today as it did yesterday. I don't cry very often and I cried in front of my psychologist and I don't want to do it again.

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Your T understands that your crying shows that you are truly hurting and it is so okay to cry... Those experienced from our past hurt and they hurt deep into our core. The 'vault' has been opened and it will never be sealed as tightly as before especially for that pain - in a waynow everytime you can feel some of that pain and share it with your T - it will lessen and start to heal you. But you don't have to cry infront of your T again if you don't want to - when you feel the tears coming on - tell yourself - in your mind that we can cry in so many minutes (however much time it will take for you to get out of the office and into a safe place) and when you get to that safe place - let it out. Cry out the pain, the hurting, the fears and all the feelings that go along with abuse.

Merlin, I am 46 and am still working on abuse issues and I wish I had the strength to have dealt with these things earlier in my life - but I spent years denying all issues of my life. because like so many, i was raised with the belief "that no one has problems, bad things don't happen, that didn't happen in this family"...

You know what? Life is unfair, it really is and that is really hard for me to deal with. But we have to take the time to feel the pain and release it and let it heal. If you can do it at the wonderful age of 23 - maybe I also can work through this at the age of 46.

Keep pushing forward with it... and this is for you...