Why am I doing this to myself? (possible trigger)

I don't know if this will trigger anyone or not? But here goes.

Brief history - I was abused at the age of 8 and even all this time later the feelings of it happening are still with me. I had blanked them out for nearly 20 years, putting them away somewhere, like trying to pretend it didn't happen though knowing full well it did. Eventually I broke down and it has preyed on me. I've been trying to deal with it for a while but one thing which bothers me is though it has practically ruined my life, I feel like I want it to happen to me again, I want to be abused. I find myself in that position often. I keep revisiting the scene over and over. But at times it becomes distorted to the reality. The feelings are so intense. Why do I want to be abused?

Its the only way you can think off being in control of the situation, by having happen again even if only in fanasy.

It's "familiar". You were abused and lived through it, grew up with it as part of you and "know" it. Real situations or other ways of being are unknown and both difficult to imagine (since we've not experienced them yet) and, for me, to stand because they're scary. There could be worse things out there that I won't live through.

(((((((((Pingu))))))))))))))

We have such similar thoughts. I do think it's a control issue, and something that is familiar. It isn't sick or twisted or anything like that, it just is your way of dealing with the past.

ur the same as me i was abused when i was 8 for 2 years, i didnt tell as he sayed he,d kill the family. I blocked it out my mind till my son turned 8 then all these emotions came i started self harming depression and i will not let my husband touch me. It to a dam lot of courage to tell my counciller about it them my family, just to find out he also abused my brother, so this made me worse WHY DIDNT I TELL! the perv is now dead i have looked for his grave but cant find it i just want to crumble it likre he has done to my soul. I feel so disgusting letting him do this even though i was a kid i still some how blame myself.