I Was Sexually Abused By My Brother

It all started I believe when I was around the ages of 5 or 7, not sure exactly. Well the first instance I remember was when my parents were out at coffee or some such, and my older brother and one of his childhood friends was babysitting me and my older sister ( of course this is only what I first remember, but from certain things in my memories, I’m sure it was not the first time) anyways. I remember him taking me by the hand and yelling out to his friend that “we”( me and him) would be outside in his room( a camp trailer my parents had set up for him in the back yard) he drug my by the hand outside, and I just remember telling him “no, I don’t want to go” but he drug me out there anyways. When we got out to his “room” he began by telling me to take off my panties and get on his bed, and me as a kid, I was already scared, so I did so with no fighting, well anyways, he began my getting on the bed with me and unzipping his pants and getting on top of me, and telling me to spread myself open, and then proceeded to tell me to “tell me when it’s in” and of course I didn’t know what he meant by that(at that time I didn’t even know that I had anything down there but the place I went pee from)so without even knowing what he was talking about I said “it’s in” and he proceeded to move up and down on me(without penetrating me, at least I think so, but he did touch that area)then he said “ this isn’t working” and got off of me and off of his bed, I got down from the bed as well, and sat in front of him, while he was looking at dirty magazines and masturbating in front of me, then I heard a noise, I looked out the window of the camp trailer and I thought I had seem someone coming, I said to him “I think someone is coming’ and he said, “no, no one is coming’ (but someone was coming, it was my parents coming out to tell us that they were home) and since he didn’t believe me when I said I heard someone coming he kept on masturbating, and then next thing I knew my Dad was a the door of the camper trailer telling me “get in the house” and my brother to stay put, when I was in the house they had asked me what happened, and for some reason I couldn’t tell them, so they asked me if I could tell anyone, and I said “ I can tell RJ”(one of my older sisters)so she went into my parents bedroom and sat on the bed with me in front of her, and began to ask me what happened, so I told her well, the story of what happened.
That is not the only instance I remember, but this one I’m not sure if it was after of before that one. I just know it happened. Well.. We(me, my brother, and my sisters who was only three years older then me) were sitting in the living room watching television, I was beside my brother and my sister was on the other couch, he told me to get under the blanket that he had over him and suck on his penis, and I got under the blanket and he told me “don’t worry about the stuff coming out, it wont hurt you, just lick it off” and I did(being a kid I didn’t really know this was wrong),and from that point on is when it gets fuzzy again, I’m not sure what else happened or where it went form there.
I’m not sure where my parents were at the time(it might have been the same night or even before that night) I think that he was babysitting us again, but I’m not sure.
To this day some things are fuzzy but that is pretty much everything I can remember, I still have no idea if it when on for a year a week or even just one day. But I guess that the amount of time that it went on isn’t really important, just that it happened.

I kept all of this in until I was around 15 years old, I was in therapy for self-mutilation and my therapist had asked me if anyone had ever done anything to me that was unforgivable or some such nonsense, and I was totally by accident that I had said yes to him, and he asked me to tell him what happened, I told him I couldn’t tell him and then he asked me if I could tell a female, and I said “yes”, well he proceeded to call a former therapist of mine and well, I told her that someone did something to me that was bad, she never asked me to go into detail, but if she had I know I couldn’t have at the time.
When I finally was able to tell someone was a strange time in my life, I was dating this guy I met online and he asked me if I would give him oral, and I said no and of course he asked why so I told him.(I know this isn’t really relevant, but it leads up to how I finally told my Mom about it)He was the first person I told anything too(well not really, but the first person I don’t count, they were just a pig) and he told me that I had to tell my parents, and I told him that I kind of have already, and he told me that I have to tell them to their faces(I told them before by writing a letter to my Mom) so he kind of encouraged me into going to her one night when I was freaking out about it. I went to her and told her, and that is pretty much the extent to which I have talked about it. I have never talked to a therapist about it, not in so many words that is. But I plan to very soon. I know I need to talk about this and get over it before it destroys the rest of my life. I know if I deal with this and talk about it, it will get even easier to deal with and easier to get past. That’s it. That’s all I can remember. I want to remember more, just so I know what really happened and how long it really went on, but I don’t think I ever will. It has changed me from the person I might have been, but part of me can’t regret that, because the person I might have been could very well have been a horrible one at that, and I wouldn’t have what I have today, I wouldn’t have the love of a great man and the beautiful son that I have today.

A long struggle...you have already come a long way. I wish good healing for you.

(((((((((((marmarcat86))))))))))))

like sky says you have come a long way, i hope your parents protected you from your brother after you told your sister, and what your dad saw

welcome to pc

I'm so sorry that your brother did this to you, the fact you're able to talk about it so openly on here is a massive step into your recovery and I wish you all the best.

life throughs a hard punch sometimes it sucks that this happend to you i know it must be difficult for you to live everyday with those memories but you have came along way since then and you should be proud keep up the effort stay strong

Hey marmarcat,

I'm sorry about what your perverted brother did to you during the time of your life where you're supposed to be enjoying innocence and pure fun. ;[

I think it would be better if you have a close friend or a family who you can talk to about these things. So that when you feel like you can't take things anymore, you can just run to that person. It would also help if you seek professional help, since they're the expert on these matters. ;]

I wish you the best as you deal with this.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

Hey, I'm new here too..

One thing I can say is that I can totally relate to you because the same thing happened to me.. You're doing really well already, in talking to some people about it. It can take a very long time to get to that point and it was the same with me, but then again, no-one believed me, but that's another story.

I think you're doing well in getting help with it and with self harm.. You need to give yourself time to heal, don't be too hard on yourself..

I'm glad that you are happy and have a family of your own, it shows that you were able to move on enough to enable yourself to trust men again

Kirsten

I can relate too, because I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was about 8. I have scattered memories of a few different events, situations, locations, but I don't think that I remember everything. For 20 years I blocked it out of my head. Till it shouted to get out.
It is brave of you to write it and get it out.. We don't need secrets anymore.

Hope you find the answers cause I'm still trying to.

I am sorry that happened to you. Thats awful. I hope you find even more healing.

I was abused as well.. and then he moved back to town... had to see him and that just made things awful for me..

I'm sorry this as has happened to you!

I hope our felt relief to tell them and you are finding some way to heal.

I hope your brother is held accountable! That you find healing