Physically tortured, sexually abused many times and more

MANY more things have happened to me as a kid as well as an adult and I am always looked upon as being SO TOGETHER in my real life. When I have told people of things that have happend like in therapy I get that ...why are you laughing or so ho hum. I am a freak no doubt but how many years can you scream out and cry?? Who is going to help you if your own parents don't? What do people want? Tears, a bad tude? I cannot even speak of a couple of things that have happened to me even to a T as its so abnormal and far out..sick.....I just feel so alone and when I reach out MOST of the time I am not seen because I am soooo together

Aww, I wish I could take all the pain away! But I can't all I going to say is only you can make it stop if its still happen. I've been abused before it stopped but will it ever happen again I dunno? Maybe find someone who had been in the simlar situation as you before and maybe you can just talk.....

Quote: "Were you been born to resist or be abused?"

I couldn't stop it from happening. Trust me I couldn't in some to many cases I was a kid before the age of 5. Somethings I was older. Thank you and that was sweet I am sure you would take it away and I know nobody can.

SleepsWithButterflies, I cannot even tell you how much you sound like me. You are NOT a freak, and you are certainly not alone. My heart aches for you. I am also too together for most people to expect me to have problems, but I have so many

*safe hugs* ONLY if wanted

i'm so sorry that you've been through so much and that you are in pain now.........xoxo pat

just a thought- if you're are not being seen and heard by the T and others:
maybe instead of the listing of the abuse and trauma as the first item go in with your perceptions of "this is how the abuse has affected me and continues to affect me . This is the nightmare I defend against day in and day out to pass as whole - I contain all the pain and shame and rage for the perpetrators and they continue controlling how I perceive myself- how I love and receive love, how I trust and struggle to trust, you (T ) didnt do the damage to my soul but I need you to help me start to repair it. Will you do that or must I hide to pass in front of you too? I've tried and suffered on my own long enough!"
I don't mean to put words in your mouth just trying to give you an idea to approach help from a different angle that maybe a T and others could respond from helpfully. All my best wishes and intentions to you.

All that I can say is that we all have our own personal coping mechanisms....If you scream out and let it go...folks wonder just how "messed up" you are.....If you choose to present a positive front..they wonder why you claim to have any problems at all....As a "proper southern girl", I can so relate.....hang in..grace

Safe hugs if you like, good wishes and prayers that your path be eased and smooth.

I can relate to you and the way you feel....
know that you arent alone. keep your chin up....we are here to listen to you.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Sleep~
I am like that. There are just so many things that have happened to me and I can say it with out emotion or in a joking fashion sometimes people think that I am lying. If you ever want to talk I will share with you in a pm but not on here.
Much Love And Understanding.

I know exactly where you are coming from, I finally told my best friend what had happened to me (well some of it, parts I still cannot tlak about either) and she was shocked, didn't believe me. I have always been so together and "normal" all well we all have our crosses, my heart goes out to you, if you ever need to talk......

I want to thank all of you. I will reply to each of you I hope tomorrow and the next day but I just had to say that I was pleasantly surprised by all the replies and you all DO understand. Thank you also for the tips and advice. I have to go now or I would reply.

Hi Sleeps,

I really dont stop in this forum very often because it triggers me. I came across this post and wanted to tell you how courageous you are for posting this.

((((((((((((((((((Sleeps))))))))))))))))))))

Love and hugs for you always,

Jen

Aw thanks JMO I hope it didn't trigger you....I have to still reply to all these kind people but remain behind and now I have to go shower but will be back....Thank you and it does bug me when I am told am together and I know I am BUT...IF I went around weeping and junk they would still find fault and say I have ISSUES and to let it go etc.....

I just wanted to say, "I hear you", and lots of folks here at PC hear you too. I just wonder if sometimes when we talk to our friends or family, it isn't that they don't hear us, maybe it because they don't understand or know what to say.. ... just a thought, as i try to remember back when i reached out for help. I just remember i sort of had it together, but when i fell apart, i've not been put back together right. lol.....Friends will say, "your just not right" .. in a loving way tho.. I am also the kind that laughs at my own pain, and make jokes out of it... but anyway just wanted to send you safe hugs and to let you know this is a pretty good support place... (((((((((sleeps))))))))))

Hi Sleepswithbutterflies,

I think I can know and feel what you are saying. My life has been similar. I am sorry for your pain. Sometimes parents are nothing more then an egg and a sperm and a lot of pain for the product. It is hard to imagine that you were and are a lovable child/adult who deserves kindness and respect. I am thinking of you.

(((Sleeps)))

May you find peace and tranquility, my friend. This is one area I have not been able to deal with yet.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Petunia

Usually I don't write much on this forum. I don't understand all of what you are going through because the abuse I have faced is so minor...especially compared to other issues I have, but I do relate in the trying to share and the reactions recieved. Everyone used to think I had the perfect life and that I was so together and happy. Slowly I started to break down as pain just kept building inside of me. As I started to get help and open up more people either thought I was lying or exagerating. Now I usually get the, "be happy, your life is so much better than mine"...if only they knew, but if I open up then it is because "your just trying to get attention." I ended up coming to psychcentral and for the first time in my life people understood and wern't treating me that way. I am so glad you are able to open up on here, and am proud of everyone for their ability to relate to and/or support the others on here.

BUMPING THIS UP...

FIRST I want to apologize for not putting a trigger sign on this when I did it I was brand new and didn't know what they all meant..as I like blue and it has a ? I used that ..I pray I didnt freak anyone out

SECOND I am soooo sorry I never did come back to give a thoughtful reply to each of you.,.I do that nowdays but back then I meant to and failed
I felt so much LESS ALONE because of your replies and have reread all of them ..thank you...I am going to move forward with this one and pay anyone who replies the respect they deserve

People often think I'm ok when they don't know about my past. I think mine isn't as bad as most, but it's all about being tortured by a boyfriend and sexually abused by many other men. I've learned how to shut off the emotion from everything that's happened to me, and I believe we have to do that to survive the horrors of abuse. I'm there with you, I really am.

Hang in there...

Thank you Lex. I do not know what you mean by yours is not as bad because bad is bad. Mine is a huge mix of really bad %#@&#! and *some* is SO freakish in nature that I have never read ANYONE on ANY psych board post close to it...so I didn
t ever tell my T.....or anyone and still can't bummer is I am glad I didn't tell T now cause being we dont see one another much I could have ended up feeling like he didn't fight harder to see me because of THAT ...He said he felt I didnt trust him once on this but I always felt and hold to the fact that it wasnt TRUST I would feel so ugh I cannot think of the word but icky to say what happened..I said MOST of it but not one huge thing...I will add to this but I wanted to get this off my chest

Hi Sleeps, What a kind, considerate thing to do, to come back here to pick up loose ends!!! I worry about loosing threads and being percieved as rude too. Fortunately everbody here is so understanding........ we all loose stuff, and it aeems like we're able to give each other some space around it. Ya know, not take it personally. At least I hope so........ (PS: I've got a couple memories I don't tell, too....... YUKKY POO KAKA) At least here we are so not alone, huh?

{{{{Sleeps}}}}}}

((((((((((((Sleeps)))))))))))))) I just wanted to say that I come across as very competent in my job and my personal life. However, that is far from the truth. I had terrible things happen to me too and am just starting to share them with my t. I didn't do so for so long because I was scared, I didn't want to be rejected, I didn't want to see the look on their face when I told them and I was so ashamed at how ugly it all all was to name a few.

I haven't shared very much with anyone because of the same reasons to even telling them I am in t. I hope this helps to let you know you are not alone. Should you ever want someone to talk to feel free to PM me. I have been told that I am very non-judgemental and a good "ear". Take care and I am sorry about your duress. Hopefully it has become better over the last few months.

Sleeps...

I could not share everything with T either. I did try, but the words just got stuck.

I finally just had to write the biggest yuckiest stuff down. I wrote them in black magic marker so I could see how black and cancerous they were, then I took them outside to the backyard and burnt them.

Did I heal from that? Nope. But a little bit of the poisonous infection oozed out and the fever broke.

Petunia