[AmericanAngel]

Hi,
I've been having these bad dreams, with my father in them. He's always trying to hurt/kill me... I really don't quite understand why I am having these dreams so very often. Its like I am afraid of him...and I don't quite know why. My boyfriend thinks I was sexually abused and I'm just not telling him...but...I think I would remember if I was,wouldn't I? Well I was looking at stuff,about children who are,and it looks like I was....all the symptoms and everything...but I don't understand. I use to be "daddy's lil girl" then like at age 3 I became afraid of him... I remember being his lil girl...and I remember being afraid of him, but I have no clue as to why. I know I was scared everytime he used his belt to whoop me.... the sound of it snapping scared me. But would that give me dreams and everything,and still at 16 be afraid? I remember when I was 3 or 4...I was playing with my dolls infront of my parents and my mom was like "What are you doing??" and I said "they're having sex!"I think I was rather young to even know about it.... but I did....so I'm really confused. I also remember asking my mother if I was fat,not long after that...and fearing I was pregnant. I begged my bro and sis to punch me thinking it'd just go away if I was pregnant. I know I was younger than 5. Do you think you can be sexually abused,and remember all of that, but not remember it happening....(being abused) or if it did?? Any help would be well appreciated. Thanks.

[inkblot]

It sounds like a possibility. You do realize, also, that being "whooped" with a belt is another form of abuse? I strongly suggest that you talk to a therapist about these things and get a professional opinion. It is possible to repress (forget) traumatic memories. It's happened to me. It can happen to anyone.

[AmericanAngel]

Really? No,I didn't realize that. I always heard being whooped with the belt is a normal discipline. I've always known it to be that way since I was 3. Okay. My Dr. suggested I talk to someone,cuz I had broke down once while I was there. But I didn't go..cuz felt a lil weird about talking to someone. Thanks for the advice.

[inkblot]

You really need to go and talk to someone. I'm having a little breakdown right now--because of a stupid phone call!

Don't wait, get in soon as you can. It will only help!

[Maya]

Most of my childhood is blank - and I am just now remembering sexual abuse (I am 57 so I have had no memory of my childhood before age 13 for a long, long time). You need to talk to your T about this - it is the only way to heal your wounds. It will be very hard to talk about and I agree you might want to give your T your post first. I did that - I wrote about it then we talked about it. I found it very difficult to write about and even more difficult to discuss and we don't go into it every week - it is still too painful but it has to be done in order for me to heal. Please, please, talk to your T about this.

[AmericanAngel]

I'm sorry to hear that inkblot. ((((hugs))))

Thanks mars. I'm sorry that you were sexually abused. Does T stand for Teacher,or Therapist? My teacher is my mom...so I don't think talking to her about it will help really...

[Maya]

T stands for therapist. He is a clinical psychologist with a PhD and the most patient and understanding person I have ever encountered. Dealing with these painful issues has really shown me how much he cares. He has given me praise for being willing to face the "hard stuff" and talk about it and that has helped me to continue doing just that.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Only you can really know what happened to you.

If in fact you were abused in time the memories will start to flood back and then you will have to deal with it.

Not everyone remembers stuff that happened to them, a long time ago they blocked out their memories, i've even done that even though i was never really abused as a child but when I was 16 and up.

It's hard to say hon, if you were or not. If you have memories of yourself being afraid of him and what not then anything is possible, you said he use to hit you with his belt? You were abused by him? Maybe that is the fear? The snap of the belt reminds you of the whipping you got from him... does that make sense?

[pitufanina]

Mars,

It is totally possible that you forgot. When I was 4 I was sexually abused by a friend of the family. At 16, I started having dreams about a man named Roby. It felt so weird. One day I woke up screaming and crying and the event just popped into my head, but I still didn't know if it was just a dream or what was going on. I just went up to my mom and asked her "Who is Roby?" Of course she was stunned, but then she told me that he was a boy that babysat me and my brother one day and he did sexual acts to me as my brother watched. He was prosecuted and everything, but I had no idea until I was 16 that any of that had happened. My mom wouldn't tell me the details. So I only have a few flashes in my mind as to what happened, but I did feel like I was going crazy with the dreams about a man I did not even know. I think some day you will know for sure, but it is very possible that the mind blocks things out for your protection.

~Christina

[Maya]

You are correct - it could have happened to me. I talked with my T about it yesterday. He says I have forgotten so much that happened as a child (good and bad) that it is totally possible that I was molested by more than one person, including being bound and blindfolded. I had dreams when I was 7 or 8 years old of this happening - and how would I have even known of such things at that age in the early 1950s? But my T is so gentle with his work with me that I can tell him things like that and he helps me - no threat from him at all, even if he is a man. I thank god I have found him to help me recover. Thank you for your thoughts and support.

[rainbowdove]

It's very possible to have these things happen but not remember them. Actually they are remembered, just in different parts of the mind. The mind is really incredible when it comes to survival and protection.
I have DID (multiple personality) and was convinced for many years that I was crazy or imagining things.
I'm not saying you have DID but you should talk to a qualified therapist who can help you sort these things out.
I wish you all the best.

[kimmydawn]

Hi there,

I agree with you that a child at such a young age would not be acting out in the way that you were...without cause. The same thing happened here. I was sexually abused by my older brother and acted out in what were considered inappropriate ways for such a young child. It might have been inappropriate or strange for the average child. however, by the time I was six, I wasn't the average child.

I also have no memory (or very little) of abuses. When a child is faced with something they cannot understand or tolerate, it sometimes is put away somewhere. It's hard for that child to continue a typical child's life when such things are going on. The child doesn't know what to think or how to deal with it, so subconciously puts it away somewhere until it can be dealt with. So, even if it's not remembered, abuse is possible and a child's actions will usually show it in one way or another.

I sure hope that whatever may or may not have happened is dealt with by and AND someone who cares about you. A good therapist can help you uncover possibly what you need to know when the time is right for you.

I wish you well and will be thinking about you...sending peaceful wishes your way.

Be safe,

Kimmydawn

[Maya]

I agree with all of this. I did not remember the abuse - but I knew I was different than other people with regard to sex and had VERY strong opinions about people who abuse children. It wasn't until I was in T that my therapist enabled me to remember what had happened. I am fortunate - the memories hit me in his office where we could deal with them. Now, suddenly, my behavior in the past makes sense to me. I know why I have felt different and I know I am not to blame for the abuse. He was a boy who lived next door and was 5 years older than me - started when I was about 6 and went until I was about 10. My mother always wondered why I always kept getting urinary tract infections at such a young age. Our minds are very powerful and will do whatever they can to hide things from our consciousness that we cannot handle. Then, when the time is right and we are in a place where we can handle it, the mind will release that information for us to process and recover.